Joe, 23

You, sir, have an amazing beard. Has it helped you attract people?
I was at a bar about nine days ago, and this guy came up to me, shook my hand and told me what an amazing beard I had. He then proceeded to buy me a drink. So I thought, why not. But while he was in the process of ordering drinks he kept wanting to pet my face, which was kind of weird. I went along with it because drunk people are always trying to touch my face, and I didn't want to have to knock this random fucking person out. And then I noticed he had on a wedding band, so I hoped he was loyal and there was nothing sexual going on. But then he ordered Jager bombs, and as he was doing that, as he's petting my face, his wife comes up with her hands on her hips, and in front of her this guy tells me multiple times that he wants to suck on my beard, which at that point he's trying to do forcefully. I took the shot and ran away.

And this was all in front of his wife?
She only came over for a second. She downed a shot and disappeared, so I'm not sure she knew what was happening. The guy was extremely intoxicated and from somewhere else; he was here in town for a conference of some sort. But he was pretty persistent in sucking my beard.

So in non-freaky situations, has your beard lead to romance? Do women respond to your style?
Yes and no. I'm not really striving for any particular style or statement with it. The beard is going on three and a half years, but I had to shave off two inches a few months ago because I accidentally lit it on fire. I'm a professional glass blower. So when it comes to romance, if anyone responds to it, my guess is it's not the beard itself but how I'm introduced to a person.

Has your beard ever brushed a woman's face while you were having sex with her?
Yeah, and it's also gotten in her mouth. Which is weird because I see it happen, I know the beard has gotten in her mouth, but she doesn't say anything. So I must not have been doing anything too wrong.

Maybe it's a new fetish.
You may be right about that. There have been a few instances where my beard has gotten me laid. They were the kind of situations where I think they were the type of girls who just wanted to take a picture with me, and figured me to be the type of person they had to sleep with to get it. Which doesn't say much for the girls. Or for me, really. [Laughs] I didn't enjoy most of those interactions. It was fun at the time, but the next morning it wasn't that great. I usually left my own house before they did, hoping that they'd be gone by the time I got back. It worked every time.

You make it sound like a sacrifice.
It's more of a mutual agreement.

The beard has that kind of power?
That's what I keep saying — it does and it doesn't. Only in Wisconsin does it seem to provoke that kind of attention. I get about ten to fifteen comments a night.

Why do you think women in Madison are more likely to be attracted to a bearded man?
Well, there's that saying that girls are attracted to what their father was like growing up. And I think it's partially true; it's this weird Freudian shit. So Wisconsin has long winters, and it's cold as shit and you have people drinking all the time. And you have these manly men who have beards, so women are used to seeing that.

Your theory would seem to only hold up in the winter. What about during the summer when your face is sweaty?
It's not my face that gets sweaty but my neck. And that's the good thing about the beard, because it conceals it.

What if a girl tries to kiss your neck?
Then I put a hand out and tell them to fucking hold it. I'm not into kisses or hickies or whatever. I don't allow anything around the neck area unless they are choking. Then I'm down with that.

Choking you?
Or me choking them. Either one.

Amazing. What is it about choking that turns you on?
It goes back to pregnant chicks, kind of.

I think you should take a moment to think this one over before you respond.
All right, let me think about this for a second... It's sort of an adrenaline rush. Kind of like having sex with a pregnant girl.

I think you should take another moment to think about this question before you respond.
Well, listen: pregnancy is a natural thing, and so is death. And choking is sort of the bridge between the two. Minus all the iPod and MTV bullshit of life, getting pregnant and dying are the things we are essentially born to do. From the beginning of time, people have been getting pregnant and dying. It's a rush. I can't think of the words. Help me out here.