What are your feelings about hooking up outdoors?
In the Midwest? I'd say it's more of a summer thing. It gets pretty dicey in the winter. A lot of hookups happen when you're drunk. It can get pretty dangerous during the winter. Bring parkas.
What's the difference between the summer fling and the winter fling?
People feel a little less guilt when a summer fling ends. In the winter you're already feeling down. By the end of the summer you're sort of coasting out of something, while during the winter you're already in this funk, and you're like, "Oh shit, everything around me is dead and I'm alone." By the end of the summer you're like, "Oh, school! I can hook up with so many more people!" or whatever.
Where do you meet ladies during the summer?
I met one while working at a summer camp. It was with a girl I'd known since high school and things kind of bubbled over.
Describe the bubbling.
Well, she was always hot in high school, and we'd hang out during the summer. It was me and our third friend, so there was this subconscious buffer in between us and saying we were a date. Then we phased out the third friend and started making out on a beach and hooking up. It was a nice, organic bubbling up. It was all very wholesome.
What is your opinion on summer grooming?
Are we talking pubic-hair grooming?
All kinds of hair.
Well, fortunately for me, I don't get hair on my chest. Maybe thirty years from now, I'll be a grizzly man. But pubes? I get kind of lazy during the summer. A little lethargic. You stay in bed until three in the afternoon. You don't have time to sit on the pot and do that.
What about with the ladies?
I think you're always going to need a little bit of grooming for my flavor. Maybe more than a little, depending on your philosophy. But I keep up appearances, too.
Have you ever hooked up with a lady who proposed something completely unacceptable to your standards?
Not yet. I look forward to that day.
What do you want her to ask you?
What do I want her to ask me? I want her to ask me to put it in her ass. What do I not want her to ask me? Maybe to shove my fist into my own asshole? I don't know. But really, the sky's the limit. I can think of an infinite amount of things I wouldn't do. A lot of them involve mutilation.
If you were to describe your style in bed as an animal, what would you be?
Probably a bonobo or something. It could be from any angle, like from a tree. And female bonobos are really into oral sex and anal.
There was no hesitation in your answer.
What can I say? They like it like we do.
How would you describe your orgasm in one word?
"Fickle?" Sometimes something incredible will happen, and then sometimes... there's a muscle that I have that women don't that attaches my testicles to my pelvis. For some guys, it's a lot stronger and more tense than for other guys. So if you ejaculate and your muscle is very excitable and tight (like some people), your balls may occasionally ascend above your penis, which is awkward and uncomfortable.
"Fickle" is such a sad word.
Well, fickle in the "ascending balls" way, but "awesome" I guess in the general sense. Even if that happened every time, I still wouldn't turn down sex. I'd be like, "Okay, let's take a break," and then, "Okay, let's do this again." I don't think any amount of pain would prevent me from staying the way I am. How do other people describe their orgasms?
Maybe some word in Latin.
Oh, that's so lame!
I'm assuming. You're the first person I've asked this.
How would you describe yours? Like a waterfall? But maybe I shouldn't say "awesome," because I'd like to assume that as I get older I'm going to get better at it. So hopefully these skills aren't stagnating.