Talking To Strangers: Miami, FL
Nerve asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
by Sarah Rammos
What do you do?
I bartend in Coconut Grove at a private club. My job never gets me laid. All my customers are all really old, that’s why they can afford a private club.
Do you have any crazy hookup stories?
I’ve had guns pulled on me. I was on a date and it was going really well, except this one guy friend of hers was not very receptive to our date. I kept asking her about it and she kept telling me, “No, we never dated.” Eventually, we're going to leave, and I get to my car with the girl and roll down the windows to smoke a blunt, when he popped up in my window with a Glock with a laser pointer. I was already really wasted because I won a pool tournament at the club and got this really crazy tab, which of course I spent on shots of Jameson with everybody. So I was at that point, but now I had a fucking Glock in my face. I happened to recognize the gun, and I was like, “Wow, you’re an asshole, waving a gun around with a laser pointer. First of all, it shouldn’t have a laser pointer, and second of all, it doesn’t have a safety, so you could end up shooting the girl you’re trying to impress in the face." I said all this while I had a gun to my forehead, which was not a good idea. Brought to you in part by Jameson. And then I told him that I didn’t understand where he could hide a Glock in his skinny jeans all night. I thought he had a huge, you know, but the gun was in his crotch, so there was obviously nothing else there. And then he got very upset and was waving it furiously and in my face. But I’m alive! All this, in Miami, for a lesbian.
Where’s the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?
In the parking lot of the Coral Gables police station. Honestly, we didn’t know it was a cop station parking lot until afterwards. We were just really in the moment and looking for a place to park the car. We didn’t realize until we were done that we were surrounded by pigs. I feel like I’m a cat and I’m on like my seventh life. Time’s running out.
What do you look for in a girl?
Someone who looks really hot in a dress but still can kick my ass. Like, someone who can dance to Latin things, who can still salsa, but could deck me in the face. I’m part Latin, a little bit. I mean, I’m Italian, but I grew up in Miami, so I’m Latin by association. The dating scene in Miami, as far as lesbians are concerned — I was just explaining this earlier — well, I call them "bro lesbians." They have ponytails, but they’ve plastered the top down or to the side, with these little curls coming out. And they have really baggy shorts, like below their ass, and they hump your leg and say, “Oye mami, dale mami, gasolina,” but that’s different from other places I’ve lived, like New York. In New York, there are some bro lesbians, but you can avoid them because there are so many that there’s like a separate bro lesbian party. Whereas here, they’re all combined and you can’t avoid it.
What’s one quality that most makes you want to sleep with someone?
Her ass. I’m sorry, but if I wanna bite it, I wanna talk to you. I walk into a party, like, [eyes downcast and darting around], like a German Shepherd looking for drugs. Just kidding. That’s horrible.
Do you have any dating dealbreakers?
If it’s our first date, or one of our first times going out to eat, and you order a salad or something really wimpy and anorexic, that’s it. We’re done. Order a steak, the rarer the better. I’m a total foodie, so if we’re out to dinner and you order something that makes me want to cream myself, I will swan dive into your crotch. I’m really easy.
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