Annie, 23

What traits have become increasingly important to you, with age?
Really, they just have to have something that they’re passionate about. It doesn’t matter how much money you make, or what kind of job you’re into; I just want people to have different interests than I do, because I feel like I can learn and grow from the people around me. I dated a guy who was really passionate about fencing, and I don’t know a-ny-thing about fencing.

Fencing is kind of dangerous, isn’t it?
It’s not really dangerous, it’s just—they’re a little egotistical, number one, and they’re seriously competitive…and I probably don’t have a competitive bone in my body. So, he was just very, very driven for different reasons than I was, and so…his obsession with sports was impossible for me to relate to. I just don’t care at all. He took me fencing a few times, taught me a lot of things, and took me to competitions. I feel like I learned a lot from him, but it was more in the sports world.

Did he bring that sense of ego and competition into the relationship?
He’d just be competitive about silly things—about who got ready for dinner first, or for who…just anything, like “[growls] Oh, we have to catch this train right now!”, and I just don’t have that sense of urgency or that competition. I found that a little bit intimidating, and a little bit stressful to be around. Sometimes it was completely overwhelming. He was really high-energy—which was great—but he was just so competitive about stupid, mundane things, and it was very shocking to me. 

Was he high-energy in the bedroom, as well?
Yes.  Definitely. He was just really intense in bed, which was kind of beneficial for me, because he found the competition in pleasing me. It was never a matter of who can please who more—for him, “winning” was pleasing me, which was really great [laughs]; It was actually pretty good in the bedroom [laughs].

Is it harder to please you now?
Not necessarily, because I kind of know that it came from his competitive streak, and sometimes it was completely overwhelming. I don’t date very much, in all honesty. I’m a very career-oriented person, and so, for me—I just moved here…This was a relationship that was a year ago, but at the same time…I don’t know, they’re just not comparable; They’re just not.  

What are your dating deal-breakers?
When it comes to deal-breakers or red flags—I think I kind of have a skewed vision of  all of that, because I dated the same guy for six and a half years. Like, from when I was fourteen to almost all the way through college. We were engaged, childhood sweethearts, and he broke it off with no warning whatsoever.  We weren’t fighting, he simply just fell in love with someone else and wasn’t honest about it.  So for me, [sighs] I haven’t been able—I can’t even bring myself to compare the people who I’ve dated, or say what a deal breaker is, because I feel like I’m still exploring so much about myself. I feel like I’m sixteen, like on first dates I get all nervous. And so, for me, I think I have a different version than a lot of other women do.

What are some red flags you’ve overlooked in the past?
Because of my previous relationship (with ex-fiance)—I had no idea that he was cheating on me…no idea that he was in love with another girl. I was engaged to him and completely happy—so I don’t even take the “obvious” red flags very seriously, because who the fuck knows what’s going to happen next. You know what I mean? If they’re overly aggressive, that is really the only thing.  All in all, if they have qualities that outweigh the “red flags”, then it’s worth it. I try not to put everyone inside the same concept, where it’s like, “Oh…if you do this, it’s over!”—I don’t want to limit myself to that. I’m still experiencing people and experiencing dating on a very new level, so no, I don’t think there are deal breakers that are red flags, other than being aggressive.  I think we just over-analyze the people in our lives, like…ridiculously. 

“Well…he didn’t use the right salad fork”, or “Oh…he didn’t hold the door open for me, and I thought that was really rude”, or “Oh…he calls his mother every day”—or, I don’t know—people are different. We all have different experiences and things that shape us, and…I’ve never been like, “This is a red flag. I can’t do this anymore!” I’ve never really broken it off for those reasons. I’ve broken it off for distance reasons and things like that, but never from like, “You did this one thing and it really pissed me off and upset me”.

How did you find out he was cheating on you?
He broke off the engagement, and then…about three weeks later I found out from a third party. I had known her—they had a radio show together, that I listened to every week, so I don’t really know how long it was going on. I still don’t know all the details. And they’re now engaged. So that was pretty much devastating. I spent six months just being completely...my life completely turned upside down, because we had never fought, we never got into arguments, we were like that stereotypical high school couple. I love his family, I called his parents “mama” and “papa”…And so, I was completely devastated after that. I thought my whole world was going to end. 

Now, is this the fencing guy?
No, this is a different guy. The Fencing guy…we broke up only because he lived in Paris. He convinced me that either I should move to Paris—We broke up mainly for distance reasons. I know, it sounds very romantic, you want to get swept up “Oh, the guy from France, the fencer…”

All my friends thought I was insane for breaking things off and not wanting to stay.  But actually, instead, I moved to New York and I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself, because there was not enough time between the breakup with my ex-fiance, and the French guy, for me to even know what I wanted. And actually, I’m still friends with the French guy. So, he wanted me to move to Paris to be with him, and instead I chose New York.