Evan, 22

So Evan, what do you do for a living?
I'm a graphic designer in Midtown.

Does that get you dates?
Absolutely not. I got my last date from someone walking into my kitchen — a friend of my roommate's. Dated her for a year and a half. I have a hundred-percent success rate with that method, so I'm just waiting for that to happen again. I have no reason to doubt that it won't.

If you like someone, how do you make it happen?
Stare real hard. Kind of open my shirt a bit. And then make a bunch of clumsy advances until they push me away or fall right in. It's fool-proof.

I love it. Is there a kind of girl you tend to fall for?
I'm trying to avoid the frizzy-haired Sarahs in my life. I'm avoiding the destiny that my mother planned out for me. Right now the archetype is volleyball players. Tall blondes.

Do you have any deal-breakers?
I have a lot of deal-breakers! Get ready! You can't use these words more than twice a week: "awesome," "awkward," "zeitgeist."

Have you ever offended anyone in the bedroom? You're laughing like it's a yes.
No, I just made a really imprudent comment. I'll never again poke someone's stomach and say "That's cute!" I didn't think it was tear-worthy, but someone else did.

Oh no, did she cry? That sucks.
Yeah, I know. See? Now you're making this well back up. Thanks a lot.

Devon, 22

What do you do for a living?
I'm a student at NYU. I have a double major in economics and film production.

Do you think the dating pool is better in one versus the other?
No, I haven't had much luck in either. I date outside of my majors. But I think film people, just based on this shared passion. With economics it seems a little bit more random sometimes.

Do you have any crazy ex-girlfriends?
I had a quick girlfriend in high school who was just...

I love that phrase. "A quick girlfriend."
A quick girlfriend. A few weeks. I think she just liked the image of me, and I think she just liked that if she was with me it meant x, y, and z. She was just obsessed with me for no apparent reason. Knew nothing about me. That was disheartening. That's the only one I could think of.

Have you ever offended anyone in the bedroom?
If I date women who are also with men, I think sometimes I ask questions in a way that's not sensitive. But more laughing offended, not hurt offended.

Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
Not really.

Any horror stories?
Actually, my favorite hook-up story... I studied abroad in Uganda, and Uganda's trying to pass a law to give homosexuals the death sentence. I was seeing a girl while I was there, and that was satisfying to just be with her there. It was secret and everything.

Were you ever worried?
No. No one was onto us.

That's badass. How long were you in Africa for?
For a semester. We met there. It was just a fleeting, short thing.

What kind of person do you consistently fall for?
Women who are well read. Someone with a lot of favorite authors and stuff like that. Also, people who have their own side projects outside of their major or specific job. Things that they're always working on or developing. I think that's hot.

 

Wade, 65

What do you do for a living?
I'm a photographer.

Does that get you dates?
I can't hear you.

Does that get you dates?
I don't take advantage of it. I'm not going to go around fucka-graphing people.

What do you look for in a woman?
Sex.

Sex?
Basically.

Is there a certain type that you go for?
Yeah. The one that likes to have sex. I'm not a deep man.

Do you have any favorite sex stories?
Yeah. I'm on a bus and I see this woman get on the bus, on Madison Avenue, and she looks just like Sophia Loren. Just like her. Really, just like her. I couldn't believe it. And I say to her, she's standing across from me, and I say, "You look like Sophia Loren." And she says, "What?" and asks me to come over and sit next to her, and I said, "You really look like Sophia Loren. I'm just curious, what's your name?" And she says, "Sophia." And I said, "Sophia what?" She said, "Loren."

So I said, "Oh, hi. Marcello." And she says, "What? What do you mean?" I say, "Marcello Mastroianni, Sophia Loren." And she says, "You little schmuck, you. You don't know who I am or who I'm supposed to be."

So I said, "Little schmuck? I think that's the end of our conversation." And she says, "No, no, no, let's go to your place."

Oh my God!
I said, "I don't think so. The little schmuck doesn't want to." So she says to me, "I apologize. I didn't mean it." She wanted to have sex. So we went over to my place, we go in and she takes her clothes off.

Just, right away?
Right away. And she's on the bed. So, I took my clothes off, and I'm a big boy, and she really looked fantastic. And if it wasn't Sophia Loren, it was a great impersonation. It was fantastic. She sees me and I'm as big as I've ever been. And she got frightened — and started shaking! She has never had a larger... you know, the guys she hangs out with. I could have been her little schmuck as much as she wanted.

I don't think we're going to beat that.
Most people say to me, "Was it really Sophia Loren?" And I tell them, "If she told me her name was Ed Koch I still would have screwed her."

Interviews by Meghan Pleticha. Photography by Sean McGurn.