Talking to Strangers
Nerve asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
Spencer, 25
What do you do for a living?
I'm a copywriter.
Does this job get you laid?
No. I don't want to date anyone I work with. Especially because I'm a freelance writer. I don't want things getting out about me.
Do you have something to hide?
Maybe...
What's the craziest sex position you've tried?
I don't know about crazy positions. I've had more crazy situations than anything.
Such as?
Well, there was this wedding in Atlanta where I mysteriously disappeared for a few hours and came back with bite marks on my nipples, deep scratches down my back and sides, and was covered in bruises. To this day, no one knows what happened.
Were you mauled by a wild animal?
You could say that.
Do you have an age limit when it comes to dating?
Thirty-five, but even that's still up there. I will not date younger girls. I have a narrow window. Honestly, personality is more important than age. That's why I can't date young girls, especially ones in college.
What's the problem?
I may sound like an asshole, but they're still working through issues I've already figured out. Like, I just got out of a relationship with a twenty-one-year old. Whenever she had a big test, she'd get super-quiet and bitchy; she didn't know how to manage her stress and emotions. She had a lot of growing up to do. Plus, I think she was a virgin.
You "think" she was a virgin?
We only dated a month.
Is that really a relationship?
In New York City it is. People don't want to take anything slow here. You can go through a lot with someone — mentally, emotionally, physically — in a month here. More so here than anywhere I think.
What's the worst move a girl's put on you?
This actually happened recently: there was this gal at a birthday party I was at who was aggressively trying to talk to me. I like aggressive women, but I wasn't attracted to her. She finally smashed a piece of cake in my face so that I had to walk into the bathroom to clean up. She followed me in there and asked me out.
What did you say?
We went out a few times.
So that's how women should get a guy's attention?
I figured she put two hours of her evening into trying to ask me out, I might as well give her a shot. I later found out that she's a blogger — she blogs about her failed relationships. I checked and wasn't up there. I was kind of upset.
Blair, 21
What do you do for a living?
I'm a senior in college for art history.
What's the craziest sex position you've ever done?
My boyfriend at the time and I were in a park and I was leaned up against a fence. It was in the middle of the day and there were definitely people around.
Weren't you afraid of getting caught?
Yeah. That's what made it crazy.
Do you have an age limit when it comes to dating?
Thirty-five. I can't relate to certain things if someone is older than that.
What's one sexual thing you want to do before you die?
I want to be tied up or handcuffed and totally taken advantage of. I'm a women's-studies minor, so it makes this totally taboo, but that's what makes it more desired and erotic. I'm not in any way saying that all women secretly want to be raped. There needs to be consent. You need to talk to your partner about it beforehand. But it's true that a lot of women I know have this fantasy.
Is sex better when you're in love?
Yes. When you're with the same person, you know what they're good at and what they like. It goes the same for you and your wants. You're not afraid to experiment with this person. Or tell them if you don't like something. Also, it removes the awkwardness of one-night-stands.
What's your most attractive quality?
I'm a nympho. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality and need to have sex three times a day.
Three times exactly?
More is always welcomed. I'm also very sweet to the person I'm with. I make sure their needs are met. It's actually hard to find a guy able to keep up with my needs.
Have you ever had sex with someone you shouldn't have?
Beyond yes. I had sex with a heroin addict once. And was with a guy my best friend was in love with. That was pretty shitty of me. But I don't feel guilty really. I don't regret anything I've done because now I'm dating the love of my life. If I hadn't made those mistakes then I wouldn't realize how lucky I am to have the man I'm with now. It made me realize that I want to spend my life with him.
Patrick, 24
What do you do for a living?
I'm an actor. Technically, an office assistant for an actors network.
Does the job get you laid?
It can — I meet a lot of people. But there's always a risk. You don't want people to talk and you also don't want to screw someone who could potentially screw your career.
What's the craziest sex position you've done?
It's not a position. But my girlfriend and I were on my parents' washing machine. They were home, so it was risky.
Was the washing machine on?
Nah.
Too bad.
Why's that?
Trade secret. Do you have an age limit when it comes to dating?
It's very liquid. I recently hit it off with a woman at least ten years my elder. It was just a random conversation at a bar, but I totally would have dated her — we had a lot in common. But definitely not someone younger, like nineteen. She needs to be able to drink.
Why is drinking important?
So that I can take advantage of her, of course. By the way, would you like another beer?
No, thanks.
I'm just kidding. It really has nothing to do about drinking or not drinking. There's an experience gap when someone is younger. That's why I say it's "liquid." Depends on the person and her maturity level.
What's your deepest, darkest fantasy?
Sex in a church. I grew up a Bible thumper in a rural town in Texas. That's what makes it so appealing; even though I don't believe in all that stuff anymore, it's still in the back of my mind as sinful. Ergo, hot.
What's the worst move someone has put on you?
It's always dudes. Not that I'm freaked out by dudes or anything. I'm just opposed to being hit on poorly.
Do you have an example?
I was at this whiskey bar. Whenever my glass got low, our waiter brought over a different whiskey for me to try "on the house." When he set down their most expensive whiskey, the fifth glass, he leaned in and asked: "Where does this bourbon tour end up?"
Is sex better when you're in love?
Yes. There's this Faulkner quote I love: "There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others." It's like that. Any sex is good. But when you've been together longer, it's just better.
Commentarium (61 Comments)
I think these children are very young. As dear Mr Albee put it, "how can you know you have a heart if it hasn't been broken?" And no, I don't mean some terrible person walked out on you after you had been together for an entire year.
I agree with AlanK, perhaps you should talk to older people, who have had the time to develop life/ relationship/ sex stories.
Man, i need to meet a guy like spencer
My goodness, the first thought that popped in my head after reading Blair's answer: "Major asshole"
Sex/relationship advice from anyone under 25 is usually a wet blanket... Seriously, it's either extremely naive or just boring. I've enjoyed past installments of this article, but this one is a snoozer. Some of these kids watched too much "Sex & the City" before applying for NYU.
Spencer....I'd hit it. Hit it good.
Blair is awful.
Goddamnit, Blair. Other peoples' feelings be damned!
I hope her best friend sets her face on fire.
Isn't Patrick that guy from House?
I am really really attracted to Blair. But I don't know what it is, I could just tell she wouldn't give me a second look.
Spencer: enjoy that hair while you got it, cuz in about 3 years you're gonna look like Jeremy Piven circa 1990.
I agree, the age range is a little on the young side. But it's interesting to hear their naive responses. It brings me back to when I was that age and think about what I've learned. It would be could to have one of these done at an "older" bar. Other than that, really cool questions this week.
Blair confirms what I've always suspected after having dated a number of hardcore womyn's studies types: the more they harp about respect, the more they like being treated like shit in the bedroom.
I really liked this bunch. Good work.
@guy: that's not true for all WS people. I was the Grad Assistant for the WS program in college, and I absolutely don't like being treated like shit in the bed. In fact, I prefer to be the one taking the reins. Are you surprised by that either?? I guess that's how it is when you're a feminist: whatever that woman's personal preference is - esp. in bed - there will always be people who use it to condemn her, and confirm their own negative stereotypes.
Lost of narcisissts in there. Actually all of them. Why are NewYorkers such assholes?
@MissHayden: I don't think he was condemning this girl's feminism- obviously he isn't anti-feminist if he's dated a bunch of them-, nor her preferences. He was just making an observation about the correlation between strong/powerful women and a tendency toward submissiveness. I'm female and I've encountered that with several of my hardcore feminist friends. And further, who are YOU to pass judgement on submissiveness (which is what that is) as negative?
@vh: Well said. But I also don't think MissHayden is passing judgement on anyone - sub or otherwise. I also don't think that "the more [womyn studies types] harp about respect, the more they like being treated like shit in the bedroom," as guy puts it. Maybe she's just pointing out that this way of thinking, or "stereotype" as she puts it, is not always the case...
@MissHayden/VH/ArborRain: Not only am I not anti-feminist, I'd dare say that I am indeed a feminist. As VH and ArborRain noted, I was merely making an observation based on personal experiences, one that Blair echoed. A former-dominatrix friend spoke often of the powerful, domineering white-collar men from the upper-echelons of business that would come in to be treated like shit. I wouldn't call her anti-men ; )
It's not surprising that anyone who's obsessed with power -- like "womyn's studies types", domineering executives, or whomever else -- would bring a BDSM/powerplay agenda into the bedroom, whether as doms or subs. I find all that stuff tedious, but then again I feel the same way about people who are obsessed with power: I guess it works for them. Meanwhile, I can't speak to whether women's studies majors are particularly submissive, but I can say that (at my university) the ones who were most polemical about it were also the first to get knocked up and married after graduation. It reminds me of how anti-gay preachers are frequently caught with rentboys; loud voices tend to conceal shaky convictions.
Nothing can lose my respect faster than saying "womyn's" studies.
" Lost of narcisissts in there. " — hey, if someone came up to you and asked you about your dating life, what you liked to do, and all about you, you, you, you'd end up sounding like a narcisist too!
Funny that Spencer doesn't want to date writers who could spread info about him, yet he's answering these personal questions for all the world to see, and with a photograph attached. Just sayin'.
These are all interesting. That being said, why aren't there any men's study programs out there. I would think in the interest of fairness, feminist would fight for the right for both sexes to study their past
@boss how can you tell when someone says "womyn"? Homonyms, no?
Joie: maybe take a break from the word "showmance" for a while. It's not helping.
@ AD: It is called masculinity studies. Despite its obvious reaction against the quasi-marxist feminist movement, it is an interesting field concentrating more on the unspoken side of what it means to be a male in societies that expressly put more weight on being male.
Patrick had me until he stole Richard Hugo's line. Citations, little boy.
Ah, early twenty-somethings, so bright-eyed and cute, I want to pat them on the head. I can't help but find their naivete endearing, especially considering that I myself was at least as arrogant and self-absorbed at the same age. The stories do tend to be a good deal less interesting and more homogeneous, though...
Ay ay ay. These people are so YOUNG! You know, those 21 year olds haven't worked out their issues...says the 25 year old. Love it.
Blair may, has, or will likely contrac HIV from her romps with heroin addicts....this is a frightening commentary...for any age!
Blair is terrible. And come back in four years when Lara looks 35, and not in a good way.
not all youngins are naive. just the ones they chose. maybe the venue.
I feel like Blair must be really insecure and feel like she has something to prove if she thinks her most attractive quality is that she likes to have a lot of sex. Lots of women like to have a lot of sex. That kind of attitude just ends up making sex all about performance rather than enjoyment.
I'm the only one here that wants to fuck Lara?
I always find it a little sad and trite when someone states they are a "nympho".
@snm no, it's just that all the self-preservation instincts are kicking in first and saying "avoid"
@snm - No you aren't
Blair sounds like a caricature - spouting things she has read in books. It is obvious she has not really lived, yet
Wow. Everyone is so mean to this batch. Don't you remember being young? Isn't it nostalgic, or at the very least, entertaining to read their replies?
Hanah is the kind of girl i would have pursued in college and let break my heart repeatedly.
Spencer is a douche.
The questions are better, or atleast different this time around...I'm 25, yet I feel like I am way older than these folks...they all seem so young in their answers..almost like they're trying too hard to sound cool. Maybe I just find them boring.
Lara looks like she's been around the block several hundred times. what a skank.
Does anyone else feel like they just read the same interview six times? Sigh.
Sorry. It's that Blair still thinks it's really transgressive to want to be taken by a man and even more transgressive because she takes women's studies classes. Just that she mentions taking women's studies classes is making me laugh.
I should be nicer, but I was such an idiot when I was younger. Maybe these just annoy me because they make me confront what an idiot I was.
I'm no jaded leather daddy but people's bd/sm fantasies bore me. Secondly everyone has them and finds them still risque. ...I encounted them when dating a high percentage of the time.
Wow...These people are idiots.
For me, the best part about "Talking to Strangers" is reading the comments. It is more informative that the original piece itself.
I turned 21 about a week ago. If "Talking to Strangers" (this edition and others) is at all representative, I will pass on bar-hopping in New York, because the people in my demographic are insufferable.
All three women are seriously flawed... and seriously hot. It'll never happen but, oddly enough, I could thoroughly take care of each of them - except for the skydiving, sorry Hannah.
If you got no action in Europe, it's because you didn't want any. Even unattractive American women can easily get laid, and by pretty attractive men, in Europe. Unless you only visited the Vatican. In which case you'd need to dress like a boy.
Blair; we can do the handcuffs, we can beat the fence trick by quite a bit, and you can come at least three times a day... four or five is easily in reach. As long as you don't mind me coming only once or twice a day. Stamina's no obstacle, but fluid production has its limits.
Spencer needs to learn what a "realationship" is.
this is lara and i just want to say that the woman who interviewed me totally misquoted me and twisted my words around. I did grow up fast and all that and yes, i have been around the block many times, however i have never had sex with someone on PCP, to my knowledge, thank you very much and i have been in a commited relationship for over 2 years now
wow too bad the interviewer was drinking when she took these interviews and made us all look like complete asshole scum
"I didn't get any action in Europe" Ha. Everyone gets action in Europe, at least in study abroad. Awesome, cultured, European action. I think she said that b/c of the guy. Although, for all I know, she's telling the truth.
All but one person in their early 20s? OH COME ON! Let's get an age range, folks!!!!!!!!!!
These interviews really, really bug me. Many people that are younger than I am (35yo) apparently have no idea what the word "privacy" means. It's become a Jerry Springer world! There's nothing attractive about airing any old intimate details about yourself for the world to see, never mind how grisly the details may be... and then of course you're also hoping for that audience applause.
I think it's cool how open and honest these people can be but this is one of those things that feeling liberating at the moment but may come back to haunt you later. Also, these people were portrayed as whores and jackasses, no offense to any of them and I think it's the interviewer's fault because they were ALL portrayed that way. Oh yeah, and I hate how people said their age limit was the early 20s because these were immature people whom they couldn't relate to; maturity comes in all shapes and sizes (and ages) and remember so does immaturity!
Hey, Patrick, Hey ;)
I find the sex lives and fantasy lives of 20-somethings really boring. Step it up, nerve.
Now you say something