Sal, 36

What do you do?
I'm a musician.

Does that help you get laid?
It doesn't hurt. When I was younger, I saw an informal poll where women were asked to rate their lovers by occupation. The bottom were computer programmers. Then middle managment, up through tradesman and people who had various crafts, until you got to the very top and those were artists and musicians. So I figured I'd better stick with my calling, if for no other reason than to improve my sex life.

Have you always made a living exclusively as a musician?
No, I've been a computer programmer also.

Have you ever gotten laid just because you were a musician?
Yes. We call it "cashing in." You don't make very much money in this business, but there's something about fulfilling a young girl's rock-and-roll fantasies.

Do you have any interesting hookup stories?
I once had sex while driving across the Brooklyn Bridge. I've also had sex in the broom closet at the base of the Acropolis.

I didn't know the Acropolis had a broom closet.
They do, for the outdoor cafes. We got walked in on when they started sweeping up around two in the morning.

Did they ask you to leave?
They said something. It was all Greek to me, though, honestly.

Ba-doom-cha! Okay, do you have any dealbreakers when it comes to sex or dating?
Children, animals, and dead people.

How about Republicans?
Oh, I'll fuck the shit out of a Republican.

Are you friends with your exes?
The ones I didn't break up with.

Do you have any crazy exes?
Yeah, those are the ones I'm not friends with. One took a crate of my records down to the street and said, "Who wants vintage soul music?"

What's the most you've ever done to get laid?
When I was in high school, staying at my grandparents' place, a girl I met was staying at her grandparents' place. I snuck out of the old folks home where my grandparents were and walked five or six miles through the swamps of Florida to get to the old folks' home that she was staying at, snuck past security, and climbed through the window. Also, I drove three states out of my way on a road trip once to hook up with somebody for an hour. I only had an hour to say "Hey I'm in town!" and then "Do you want to have sex with me?"

And what made this person worth going three states out of your way?
It had been a few days.

 

Lauralynn, 29

Where do you live?
I don't know. I'm splitting my time. I'm in town.

Are you homeless?
I've checked homeless on my food-stamp application.

Where are you splitting your time?
Friends' houses, currently.

In New York?
Yeah. And San Francisco. Well, Oakland.

What do you do?
These questions are hard. I'm an artist and an activist. I'm someone who helps make people's dreams come true.

Are you intoxicated?
Actually, no. But I do have a prescription for marijuana.

Are you usually this evasive?
I'm running from the law.

Do you have any interesting hookup stories?
My first long-term, serious boyfriend, who I'm with now — the first person I've ever taken home to meet my parents — he's an artist and he had an installation that was funded at Burning Man. So it was a big deal for him. It was a replica of a New York City subway bench, with a sound installation of subway sounds. We went by the first night and the subway sounds weren't working, so they had techno and dubstep playing. These things that the cool kids listen to. We rode by and two people on both sides of the bench were having sex with their partners and I was like, wow, you're a success. You made something that people want to have sex on.

So did you have sex on it?
Well, I wanted to. I thought we were going to. We went over there the next night when it was working and we were sitting on the subway bench and we were kinda like, um... nope. We don't want to have sex on a subway bench. This is too real. And I was like, "Congratulations! You did a good job with this installation. Even though we're in the desert, this is so realistic. There are a thousand places I'd rather have sex with you. In public, if we want to."

So your sex story is about not having sex?
Yeah. We went back to our air-conditioned tent and made love. Tenderly.

What's the craziest place you've ever hooked up with someone?
I've had sex with myself, like, under a desk.

In elementary school?
During a lecture, in grad school.

What was the lecture?
Philosophy.

Do you remember what the lecture was about?
No. But I was feeling it.

So when you were single, did you feel like being an artist helped you get laid?
When you have a boyfriend and they're an artist, you can say "Honey, let's not have sex on your art project." But when you don't have a partner and you hook up with an artist, you have to have sex on their art project. They definitely want you to.

Do you have any dealbreakers when it comes to dating or sex?
Well, if you're not my boyfriend right now, I'm probably not going to have sex with you ... if you have a penis.

Oh, but you'll have sex with girls?
I would be more open to it.

He wouldn't have a problem with it?
No. What he thinks it is, he thinks he would enjoy. But what it really is... would terrify him.

Do you find that women or men are better lovers?
Well, you always have the best orgasm with somebody that you love.

Good answer. Very diplomatic. But, really, men or women?
It depends what you like. If you like to be... pounded... all night long... with a cock... actually, that could go either way.

 

Mike, 24

What do you do?
I'm a graduate student at Columbia in Germanic Languages.

Does that help you get laid?
No. You spend all of your time with a certain kind of person and that person sees you as a colleague and not as someone who they would potentially want to have sex with. Why would I want to have sex with someone in my department? That would be so slimy and everyone would find out. It's a very insular world.

Have you ever used your German in an intimate setting?
Sure, in Germany. I've had sex with someone who spoke German as their native language. Does that count?

Can you give us some tips on sexy stuff to say in German?
Well, if you watch German porn from the seventies or eighties — what's really funny is that German is this incredibly flat and formal language. It's very expressionless. And there's this one German porn movie where this older dude is getting jerked off by this famous porn star — well, she was famous in the seventies because she looked twelve even though she was eighteen. And she's like "Das ist ein tolles Gefühl für den Schwanz?"  Meaning "Is that a good feeling?"And he's like "Ja. Fur mein Peni ist das optimal."

And what does that mean?
It's like "For my pee-pee, it is optimal."

You seem to have this porn memorized.
It really stuck with me.

Is there anything shorter and sexier that you can recommend that's not... creepy?
No, actually.

Do you have any interesting hookup stories?
Do you have any interesting hookup stories?

I'm interviewing you!
Then no.

Can we talk more about German porn?
I think people would assume that German porn is really perverse. But I think the truth is that American porn is by comparison really perverse. The women look horrifying and made-up. That whole Jenna Jameson look. Whereas, German people like a good story, I've noticed. The aesthetics of American 1970s porn carried over well into the late '90s for Germany. Pubic hair, they're into it. Okay, I have a hookup story. Once in Paris, my friend and I took MDMA with his girlfriend and then we all had sex. And there was also a third dude around.

Did the trip get awkward after the drugs wore off?
Not at all. We were all like "That was really great!" Afterwards, my friend's girlfriend went to sleep and the rest of us walked around — jeez, that sounds so scummy — but we walked around and we went to Notre Dame, to the Sunday morning service.

So you had a foursome on ecstasy and then you went to church?
We didn't go to church, we went to a church. And then we went to McDonald's.

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