Talking to Strangers: PAX Prime Edition
Nerve asks deeply personal questions to sexy geeks at the Penny Arcade Expo in Seattle.
BY Marguerite Kennedy
The Penny Arcade Expo is an annual gaming convention that's been held in Washington State since 2004.
Are you in a relationship?
I am. Been with my girlfriend for two years. She's the very attractively-dressed witch over there.
At a Harry Potter-themed drinking tournament, that's not narrowing it down. Is your girlfriend a gamer?
She's a game developer for [a well-known studio], so yeah. She's really into it.
What are some of the qualities you appreciate in a woman?
Throw me list of five attributes, and I'll rank them in order of importance.
Okay: great boobs, intelligence, knowledge of string theory, being a gamer, gives good blowjobs.
Being a gamer and boobs are first, because I'm looking for the whole package. Then good blowjobs, then intelligence. String theory, not important at all.
Do you ever think of relationships as like being like a game, as in, you have to "level up" or "score?"
I'm a big fan of ladder theory, but, no. I don't think the rules of gaming apply to real life. Fortunately!
When you're not in Harry Potter robes, what do you do for a living?
I'm a cable technician.
So, as a cable guy, I assume you spend half your time being seduced by hot, scantily-clad ladies who want you to "hook up their cable?" Or has pornography lied to me?
It's lied to you. Although, recently, I had this lady come running out to my truck after me, because she wanted to set me up with her coworker's daughter. It was kind of awkward. My life would make the most boring cable-guy porn. "Once, I went to this lady's house and I... fixed the problem! Oh, yeah!"
Have you ever gone to any extreme measures to woo a lady, or vice-versa?
Vice-versa. My current girlfriend went out of her way to design the buttons for Tri-Wizard Drinking Tournament — which I organized — in order to pursue me. But I was so dumb, I didn't pick up on it. I just assumed she wasn't interested, so I kept saying, "It's cool, no pressure, we can just be friends." I thought she was out of my league, and she was going to "friend zone" me, so I decided to "friend zone" myself.
No woman would make hundreds of buttons for a guy unless she wanted to get under his Slytherin House Robes, if you get what I mean.
I realize that now, but I didn't at the time.
But you finally came to your senses, and asked the lady out?
Yeah, this Tournament marks our two-year anniversary. You could say it's what brought us together. And, as an added bonus, I don't have to worry about buying buttons anymore.
NEXT: "I once dated someone purely for sexual attraction, and he ended up being really into Magic: The Gathering..."