Talking to Strangers: San Francisco

Nerve asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.

By Alia Volz

 

Charlie, 27

You just moved to San Francisco?
A little more than a month ago. 

Have you been on any good dates here?
Oh yeah. This British girl has been amazing. I met her through a friend of a friend, at a bar down on Haight Street. We were just hanging out and she showed up, because she was in town from San Rafael. 

So what was the first thing that you connected over with her?
It's funny actually — it's kind of random. We both wanted to go to a strip club. I was new to the city, and she was just here on weekends. She had heard about San Francisco's underground sex scene, and what she really wanted to see was a live sex show. I'd never really thought about that possibility, but I figured if this British chick wanted to see a live sex show, I should go with her.

Where did you go?
It turned out that my best friend was in town that day, and he was not feeling the whole thing. I wanted to go with her — I really did. But I couldn't turn my back on my boy. 

That's respectable. So have you two fulfilled your fantasy of seeing a live sex show together?
Not yet, but we still plan on it. Because later that night, when she was done with what she was doing and I was done with what I was doing, we met back up at this hotel, and we really hit it off. We've been hanging out since then.

Did she seem inspired by the show?
I think so! I mean, that's the only explanation I can give for it, because I didn't know what was going on. I was just along for the ride... Hey, do you want a toke? I should have offered.

No, thank you.
This whole time I'm smoking and I didn't even offer, but I assumed you would have asked. Somehow I knew you didn't want any.

So is the weed better out here? It's got to be.
Oh my God! I got my medical-marijuana card, I'm set.

Day one?
As soon as I got an address and Cali ID.

How would you say the dating scene back home compares with out here?
Well, in Florida, there were a lot of strong lines drawn, as far as social status and that type of thing. Blue-collar people mixed in with old money. You just knew that if a girl was getting with you and you were at this certain level of economic status, she was just doing it to piss off her parents. It was like a stupid movie. Kids wrecking their cars and getting new ones the next day — and we're talking high-end, $60,000 to $70,000 cars.

Have you ever been scared by something a girl wanted to do in bed?
Uh, no. Let's just say I'm kind of a freak. Like this British girl, she was giving me head and she decided to stick her finger up my ass. And I was like, "Oh!" I mean, that's not normal for me. That's outside of my normal comfort zone, but I just went with it. It was cool.

Try anything once.
Exactly.

And if it works, try it twice. You're broadening your horizons.
Yeah, I'm on a roll. I mean I figured some crazy shit was going to happen to me when I got here. She didn't think anything of it, obviously, so I wasn't going to make it a big deal. I was cool with it.

She had nice short fingernails?
[laughs] It was very comfortable.

 

 

Angela, 23

Where are you from?
Anchorage, Alaska.

Where men outnumber women by... how much?
Three to one, or something. That's true for the rest of Alaska, but Anchorage is the biggest city. It's more like Seattle.

You didn't have the tremendous advantage in the dating pool that the rest of us imagine?
No.

How do you find the love scene in San Francisco?
I like the love scene here. I use online dating pretty often.

How has that worked out for you?
Great! I've gone on like seven or eight dates and had sex with like six people or something. It's wonderful. That's how I consider it a successful date, by the way.

So you're clearly a first-date kind of girl, when possible.
Yes.

What are your turn-offs? What might derail first-date sex?
I'd say that if men are overly shy, if they don't make the first move or are not comfortable with their sexuality, I feel like I'm wasting my time. 

What are huge turn-ons?
I like funny, clever men. I love if we can talk about politics and books. And it always helps if they're very, very pretty.

Doesn't hurt. So why is online dating easier than meeting people in person?
You can snoop on them. Okay, what do they believe? You can look at all their answers to the questions, and you can rule out certain things that are important to you. If you think the earth is bigger than the sun, or if you don't believe in polyamory, I think I'm going to steer away from you.

Have you explored some of the "sex positive" scenes in town?
I have been to Twist and Club Kiss. I'm actually going there tonight. It's an event at Mission Control, which is actually where they do Kinky Salon. It's only for couples and single women.

Have you ever met anybody at a sex club with whom you pursued a relationship after the fact?
Not yet. I will probably pursue a connection in the future. The last time I went, I met a very cute couple. I might hook up with them again.

Are you interested in a relationship right now?
I'm open to the possibility, but I'm not actively looking. If one comes along, I might go with it. 

Sounds like you're in a freaky free phase. Has anyone ever done anything in bed that shocked you, or made you not want to continue?
Premature ejaculators made me not want to continue. But having been scared? That's never happened to me. I'm pretty open about my limitations. The people I date tend to be pretty open to asking explicitly about things. Like, "Will you burn me with a blowtorch?" No, I don't want to burn you with a blowtorch. I really don't.

Has somebody you were sleeping with pulled out a tremendous surprise that you will forever remember?
No, most people are the same, I think. There were two guys who said they wanted to be fucked with a strap-on, which was kind of a surprise because they were big manly men, but I was only slightly surprised.

Did you comply?
Yes. 

Have you ever stalked anyone?
No. Well, this one time maybe could be considered stalking. I was texting with a friend of mine, back and forth. And I thought, ooh, he's texting with me right now, so he must be free. I'm going to pop into his house. So I did. And he got really uncomfortable and weirded-out by me just showing up.

Have you ever been in love?
Yes, with a few people.

Do you fall in love quickly?
Oh yes, very fast.

Are you sure it's love?
If it feels like love at the time, it is.

 

 

Engelbert, 30

You work in technology?
I work in software engineering, basically.

How long have you been in the city?
Five years. I'm originally from Michigan, and San Diego before here.

How are the ladies treating you?
It's always been hard — dudes, by the way.

Pardon me, I should never assume. So, I've always felt, as a woman in San Francisco, that the gay guys have it made, and the straight girls are losing out. Like a gay man has his pick of ten fine boys on any block.
The hot ones do.

But you're a good-looking gentleman. It must be a matter of your high standards.
Please repeat that into the mic very clearly.

You are an attractive man!
I just want that on the record. More than anything, I really don't like the Castro. I don't like the average gay bars, so it's harder. According to statistics, ten percent of the population is people that I could date, and then I don't like ninety percent of that population. So it's decimated.

So where do you find what appeals to you? Where do you look?
There are dating sites. I don't mean to spin this like I go to Craigslist and troll for booty. I did that when I was younger. But basically, unless they bump into me, it's probably not going to happen. 

What was your weirdest dating experience? 
I went out with somebody for about a month. We hung out — everything was going really well. He had a really big beard, which I wasn't really into. And then, after we had probably gone out for like a month, we went home to watch a movie, which is pretty much gay code for "fool around." And it turns out, without any warning, he had a vagina.

Wow! 
It was kind of terrifying.

And you'd been dating for a month?
I mean, isn't that something you would mention — if not on the first date then perhaps on the second or third?

I've never heard of it going that way. Isn't it usually you take a fine woman home and then find out that dude looks like a lady?
Nor had I, and I wish I wasn't here to tell the tale. Lady was a very convincing dude, that's for sure.

So what happened?
I freaked! I opened the door and was like, "No. Out. Leave." And it wasn't so much the fact that I had touched a vagina. But how do you go out with somebody for that long? If you don't mention that you have a vagina, and it's assumed that you don't, what other secrets do you have? It was the whole thing.