Adrian, 30

What do you do for work?
I'm a marine biologist.

Fabulous! Does that get you laid?
I find a lot of people are interested, initially, with the whole idea of marine biology. It's kind of wet, it's kind of squishy.

I knew a biologist once — this lanky, sexy French guy. One day, I asked him exactly what he did in his lab and it turned out that he made extremely thin slices of sheep vaginas. So what do you handle on a daily basis?
I reach my arms into fish bins and pull out random samples and measure them. I take their parameters, if you will.

Would you say that's a little bit like dating?
You know, it is a little bit like dating, because you never know what you're going to get and it's usually slimy.

Do you apply some of the same analytical skills to dating?
I would say that there is definitely a parameter that I'm interested in.

Are you talking about measurements?
I am definitely into measurements, I have to say. And you have to be willing to dive in.

Well put. Have you ever met a sample whose measurements exceeded your capacity?
Well, I thought that for a while, but it worked out okay. You know, you realize when you're thirty, the parameters kind of change a little bit. And things that used to fit don't fit anymore, and things that you think maybe didn't fit in your life all of a sudden do.

Like what?
Well, I've exceeded my normal parameter of dating somebody older than me. When I was young... er, eleven years was way too much older. When you're sixteen, you would never date anybody who's twenty-seven. But now that I'm thirty, I'm dating somebody who's forty-one. And that exceeds my equation. My equation is whatever your age is, divided by two, plus seven. That's your age range.

And now that you have exceeded your pre-established parameters, what has been the reward? 
I'll tell you something in secret. I haven't told anyone this before.

I won't tell anyone besides our readers.
I had my first orgasm.

Congratulations! At thirty!
I know.

That's a long time coming. Pardon the pun.
Yes, yes, it has been. And it's been a new parameter that I just had never experienced before, that's for sure.

 

 

Sean, 32

What do you do?
I'm a comedian.

How does that go for your sex life?
You know, the number of comedy groupies is somewhat exaggerated by the media. All those images of comedians scoring all the time — that's not always reality.

I assumed that was mostly rumors spread by comedians themselves.
The degree of success I've enjoyed in comedy, limited as it is, was its peak while I was in a two-year relationship. So I had to turn down a lot of groupies. Okay, I didn't really have to turn down a lot of groupies.

Has it comedy ever gotten you laid?
Comedy? I think it's maybe gotten me to third base before.

Was there a particular joke that did it?
I think it's more my face — the fact that I have kind of childish features and I always look like I'm mildly ashamed of myself. I think it's the vulnerability more than the material.

You look a little like Paul McCartney.
Oh, thank you, that's very flattering. Yeah, so any woman who particularly enjoys the early Beatles — say if Paul McCartney had never grown a beard, and was never able to grow a beard — that's the kind of woman who would like me.

Has a joke ever ruined an opportunity to get laid?
I am certain that has happened. You should never invite someone you're interested in sexually to a show, unless you're really sure it's going to go well. 

Do you crack jokes in bed? 
Yes, I do. I feel like it enhances things with the right kind of girl. But definitely, it can make things terrible. Self-deprecating humor is not the way to go in bed.

I think laughter is nice in bed.
Yes, it's nice if people are relaxed. What happens for me is that I try to be legitimately sexy, or aggressive, or commanding, and that provokes more laughs than actual jokes in bed. I don't really sell intense domination very well. I don't know if it's just my eyes or if I'm not committed to it, but if I'm just trying to get real sexy, it just doesn't work.

Have you ever been scared out of bed by the sexual proclivities of a partner?
You know, I haven't been scared out of bed, but I have been scared out of returning to bed. I think I'm too polite to actually flee the premises.

What's the weirdest sex thing your innocent eyes have seen?
It was more like a vocal thing. It was somebody who was intensely into dirty talking. She was really demanding a lot of complicated hypothetical scenarios from me. It wasn't even sex. It was like a complicated masturbation scenario, plus some oral sex, but also telling a story —

What was the story? Give me the dirt.
So the girl was pleasuring herself. It was all masturbation, and my job was to tell an elaborate story, talk really dirty, but also basically, um, have my dick on her face. That was the whole thing. That was what I was supposed to do. 

Did you add scenic details? Did you create a doctor's office or an island?
No, it was basically just right there. Like you and me in the bed having sex, and this is how great it would be if we were actually having sex, but we weren't having sex. It was weird. And the response was that her voice got lower and lower. The more turned on she got, the lower her voice got. To the point where she was saying "Yes" in a way that just made me think "No!" And I was definitely getting freaked out, but I thought I couldn't stop talking, so was just like a weird stream of consciousness thing. I felt like I was being mentally held hostage.

Could she have been a man?
I'm pretty sure that wasn't the case.

But you were thinking it.
You never know in San Francisco, especially with modern medical science.

Have you ever taken a man home by accident? Does that actually happen?
No. I think you have to be willfully ignorant, at least on some level. No one is really trying to fool you. But I'm also very shy. 

Would you say that you're kind of the third-date guy normally?
Yeah, for the most part. It's shyness, and also sexual guilt. And I have to like the person.

That's a nice quality.
It's a weird, civil thing to say. I'm not opposed to casual sex, but I'm not into pushing for it to happen. I prefer to know someone as a person, for the feeling to be right.

 

 

Michael, "105"

What do you do for a living?
I'm a member of the Screen Actors' Guild and the American Federation of Radio and Television Artists.

Are you actively on television or radio?
I have been in the past. I've done movies of the week and voiceovers and several shows with the San Francisco Opera.

I'd imagine this career choice would be great for your sex life.
Oh, it's terrible for your sex life.

Why?
Well, because you're working all the time. You have long hours and you've got to keep your instrument in top form. You can't be dissipating your energies all over the place. Want to know what was good for my sex life? Working on the railroad. 

What did you do on the railroad?
I was a dining-car steward. Oakland to Chicago, for four years.

Did you have sex on the train?
Absolutely. As often as I could.

Weekly? Monthly?
Whenever I saw a young lady in the dining car, and she kind of glanced at me, and I kind of glanced at her, we'd step back into the Pullmans. And I had a room back there, because I was an important person, you see. So I could entertain after hours. This was a long time ago, before you were born.

Don't assume such things. How long ago?
1976.

Damn it, you're right. So I imagine you wore a nice uniform?
It was not a nice uniform at all. It was a red sport coat. Can you imagine anything more unappealing?

Right, it was the '70s. I keep imagining the '40s.
Exactly.

So what would you say to a lady on a dining car to get her to accompany you to your lair?
"How are you, my dear? You look lovely this morning. Did you sleep well?" I only dealt with first-class, only the Pullman passengers. Those are the cars with the sleeping rooms — little hotels on wheels. If you were in coach, you'd be back with the hoi polloi, babies throwing up and all that. I never trucked with them. So if a young lady comes into the Pullman, you seat her — "How are you my dear?" Yadda, yadda, yadda. And then when she comes in for dinner, you say, "I'd like to buy you a glass of wine. Come back after we close." They wouldn't always say yes, but more often than not, they did.

Did you ever get caught?
Never.

Amazing. Were the other employees doing it as well?
Well, there's only one steward on a train. I didn't like competition. I left those other guys on the ground.

Did you ever have such great opportunities after you left the railroad?
Well, I think it has a lot to do with your appeal as you get older. 

You're an attractive gentleman.
Thank you. But as you get older, you look for different things in the realm of sex. I look for humor, curiosity, a sense of play, compassion. I look for passion and physical attractiveness. Nice legs and hot shoes are always good.

Do you find your romance here in San Francisco, or are you inclined to look elsewhere?
I would never look elsewhere. One never has to look very far.