Talking to Strangers: Seattle, WA

Nerve asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.

By Marguerite Kennedy

Matthew, 26

Where are you from originally?
Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Do you find that there's a big difference in the dating scene here, versus Colorado?
Definitely. For one thing, Colorado Springs has a pretty small gay community, unlike San Francisco or New York or Seattle, or another "big gay Mecca."

Why did you choose to move to Seattle, instead of, say, San Francisco?
I originally came to the area when I was in the Air Force, at a base near here. 

You must be thrilled that Don't Ask, Don't Tell was finally repealed.
I was. It was long overdue.

Did you feel like there was institutionalized homophobia in the military?
Not nearly as much as you would think. Most of the people I served with knew I was gay, but it wasn't really an issue. Of course, I didn't tell them outright, because I couldn't. But it didn't really matter to anyone. We were more focused on our work.

Would you ever consider going back into the service?
I would, in a heartbeat. I loved being in the service. My being gay had nothing to do with why I left. I was just ready to do other things, like going to college.

What are you studying?
Education. I want to be a math teacher. 

Do you ever hook up with guys from your classes?
Not really. It's a pretty female-dominated major. But I've met a lot of girlfriends!

I've got to say, men in uniform are pretty hot. Did you ever date any guys in the service?
Only once. Mostly I went out with non-military guys. The one guy I met, we had to speak in codes to figure out we were both gay. For instance, he mentioned that he liked to go out on Capitol Hill.

Seattle's "gay neighborhood."
Exactly. And that was kind of a code word for being gay. 

Did you ever worry about being "outed"?
A little bit. When I was in, I knew one guy who was outed. His commander didn't care at all that he was gay, and neither did anyone else in his unit. He was really good at his job, and everyone liked him a lot. But, because of DADT, his commander was required to go through the whole procedure to kick him out. 

It sounds like the law didn't reflect the sentiments of most people in the service.
Not at all. 

What's something you really like about living in Seattle?
In this neighborhood in particular, I love walking around and seeing a lot of other gay people. I feel really at home here.

That sounds nice. 
Yeah, it's a great place. If we could only do something about the weather...

 

 

Queenie, 40

Do you hang out here at this gay bar very often?
I do, in part because I live down the street. I also go to the so-called "straight" bars on the block, but a lot of my friends are regulars here.

This neighborhood is very lively. Is it a good place to meet men?
If you're another man, it's great. But even if there were more than zero straight men around here, I've never been one to go out with guys I meet in bars. You know the saying, "Never believe a man in a bar after midnight?"

I've never heard that, but those are words to live by. If not at bars, how do women meet guys in Seattle? 
Like I tell my girlfriends, the three best places are a bank, a Laundromat, and the grocery store. If he's in a bank, you know he's at least got some money. If he's doing his laundry, you know he takes care of himself, and he doesn't expect a woman to wash his clothes for him. And if he's in the grocery store, you can tell a lot about him by looking in his cart.

How so?
First, you can tell if he knows how to cook. If it's all just hot dogs and frozen pizza, that's no good. But if he's buying actual ingredients, that tells you something. And you can tell if he has kids, if he's buying diapers, or those giant, family-sized boxes of cereal, or juice boxes. Grown men only buy juice boxes if they have kids.

What's the first thing you look for in a man? 
A 401(k). I can tell you everything you need to know about a man just by glancing at his 401(k) statement. I can tell you how much he thinks about the future, and I can also tell you what kind of personality he has. 

How can you figure out his personality traits from a financial document?
From the portfolio. If it's all in aggressive, high-risk investments, that guy's probably going to end up cheating on your ass. If he puts it all into slow-growth funds, that means he has a more cautious personality.

You sound like a detective. What do you do for a living?
I'm between positions at the moment.

You need a detective agency, and then your own reality show. 
I wouldn't turn it down if they offered.

Are you in a relationship?
No, thank you. I've retired from relationships. Now that I'm in my forties, I've decided it's "me time." I spent my twenties and thirties taking care of other people and raising my son. Now, it's my turn. 

How old is your son?
He's sixteen, going on seventeen. 

Is he already dating, and all that?
Yes. He and I have very frank conversations about sex. I don't tell him, "Don't do it!" Instead, I try to give him a lot of clear information. I give him condoms, too. Telling your teenager, "Just don't have sex!" is the easiest way to become a grandmother. And I'm far too young for that.

 

 

Sharim, 36

What do you do for a living?
I work in a hospital operating room, as a surgical technician.

A hospital, eh?  Is it just like Seattle Grace Hospital on Grey's Anatomy? Lots of attractive people constantly hooking up?
Not exactly. But I do work with a lot of beautiful, smart women.

Have you ever hooked up with anyone from work?
I haven't, but I know plenty of people who have. A hospital is kind of a fishbowl — like high school, only smaller. If two people hook up, or go out on a date, everyone ends up gossiping about it. Which is why I've avoided it so far, although I've been tempted on more than one occasion.

While performing surgery, do the doctors and nurses talk incessantly about their love lives, like on every hospital show ever?
Not so much, but there's plenty of talk about such things outside the O.R. 

Are you currently in a relationship?
I'm at the end of one. I was dating a woman for two years, but it's sort of winding down. But we're still good friends. 

Two years? That's a long time.
Yeah. She was just coming out of a divorce when we met. Neither of us was looking for anything serious at the time, but we ended up getting along really well, and one thing led to another. But there's no animosity, and she's still an important part of my life.

Still. Even in the best of circumstances, breakups suck.
So true. But there's a certain beauty in heartbreak. It's something so universal, so palpable. Something we can all relate to. 

Are you saying you like being broken up with?
Of course not, it's awful! Worst thing ever. But in the course of history, that pain has inspired so much great art, and music, and literature. Even hundreds of years later, we can connect to those people through that pain. I'm a songwriter, on the side, and some of my best songs have come from a broken heart.

Have you started dating new people yet?
Not really. A few weeks ago I met a woman who seemed really nice, and attractive. I got her number, but I never called. I just don't feel like I'm ready.

How did you meet the woman whose number you got?
Exactly the same way, and the same place I met you. She sat down at the table next to me, and I introduced myself, and asked her name.  

That's a good way to meet. Have you noticed that people in Seattle don't seem to talk to strangers very often? Maybe it's the Scandinavian influence here.
It's so true. But I'm not from Seattle, originally. My dad was in the military, so I grew up all over. But I moved here from Las Vegas about eleven years ago. 

What's the biggest difference in the dating scenes here, versus Vegas?
For one thing, Seattle is more pedestrian friendly. That helps. There's a sense of openness that comes from the fact that people interact with each other on a more human level, on daily basis. Just being in physical proximity has something to do with it. In Vegas, you spend all your time in a car, and I feel like that creates a sense of alienation. Also, the culture in Vegas is a lot more superficial. 

Las Vegas? Superficial? You're blowing my mind.
I know, right? Here, women seem less obsessed with their looks, and they're less likely to have fake... well, everything. Don't get me wrong, I like a woman who takes good care of herself. But not one who spends an hour putting on makeup in the morning.