Sex can be a dirty business, but this is something else.
Sex is messy, but most of the time you won’t take an unexpected crap in the bed. Most of the time. Our bodies can betray us when things come out that we wish would stay inside. When that happens to you or your partner, handle it with grace.
Hygiene wasn’t Olive’s greatest skill, but she managed to keep clean and hide her eccentricities. She never ate a booger when she thought someone could see her. She didn’t forget to flush the toilet on purpose. She chose not to shower after sex because she liked the memories the odor provided. Olive hid these qualities when she first went out with Ben, but on one fateful dinner date she gambled on a bean soufflé and lost.
After a tasty meal, Olive brought Ben back to her place for a movie and it quickly evolved into sex. Despite gentle beginnings, Olive quickly made a request. She bent over and asked Ben to stand at the foot of the bed, grab her waist, and ravage her as hard as he wanted. Surprised and somewhat delighted, Ben obliged. They positioned themselves, as Ben placed his hands around her and started to pound away. Unfortunately, with just the right amount of pressure on her stomach, Olive squeezed out a liquid fart. Much like the last bit of ketchup in the bottle, a brown, watery explosion hit Ben’s torso, neck, and chin with a slap. We all wipe our own poop away every day with a few dry squares of paper and think very little of it. However, when you combine someone else’s shit, the element of surprise, and innate revulsion, you can expect a poor reaction. Ben shrieked like a child. Olive called him a pussy and threw a pillow at him. Neither party handled the situation well.
Stay Calm and Carry On
Whether someone farts, queefs, pees, or poops on you during sex — and you didn’t ask for it — you need to remain calm. As much as you might want to get out of this incredibly uncomfortable situation, you have to talk about what happened. You can’t categorize accidental poop — during sex or otherwise — as deliberate. Neither of you wanted this moment to occur, and so when you ignore the moment, you make the mistake of judging your partner for a very embarrassing error.
When a body malfunction occurs, get cleaned up, table the sex for later, and talk about what happened. It’s okay to let your partner know you didn’t enjoy it — and assume she didn’t either — but you also have to make it clear that you don’t hate her for an unintentional error.
Don’t do this: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Grooosssssss!
Do this: I’m sure you didn’t mean for that to happen, so I’m not mad. I’m going to go get cleaned up, so let’s stop the sex for now and talk about it so we don’t have to feel really weird.
While you might have planned a less crappy evening, how you handle a moment like this can make or break a bond between you and your partner. If you can get past an unappealing body malfunction and continue the relationship, you’ll both gain the ability to be vulnerable with each other. Surviving hardships together strengthens a relationship, even if you seal that new foundation with literal feces instead of metaphorical glue.
When your body releases an unwanted gas, liquid, solid, or any combination of the three, onto your partner you should apologize. Regardless of your intentions, you still just took a dump on someone else while you were having sex. If you accidentally hit someone’s car, you would apologize. The same principle applies to body malfunctions.
That said, don’t take any abuse from the wronged party. You didn’t mean to poop during the throes of passion. You don’t want to react like Olive and get angry, but you should defend your integrity (even though you may not feel like you have any left). If your partner treats you poorly, ask him to take a moment to calm down and realize that you didn’t do anything maliciously or even intentionally. Give him time to relax — he deserves a few minutes to process what happened, after all—and then try to have a civil conversation about the event. Although disgusting, any rational person will understand that you didn’t poop on him on purpose. From there, you can discuss practical ways to avoid the problem in the future.
Reverse the Order
While you may run into an unexpected fart from time to time — the easily forgivable body malfunction — you should try to avoid the problem as best you can. When you plan to have a meal that might impact your sex life, don’t eat it before intercourse. Instead, have the great sex you want to have before you eat and then enjoy the meal when you and your partner have already achieved physical satisfaction.
Know Your Body (And, Specifically, Your Anus)
No human body works in the same way, but most people process foods similarly. Before you choose what to eat, you should know how your body will process the meal. For most people, significant amounts of red meat, coffee, beans, and vegetables cause gas. Foreign foods you don’t commonly eat can cause indigestion because your body doesn’t normally process them. You can find broad information about how your body will react to certain foods online, but you can learn a lot more by consulting a health professional. At your next visit to your doctor, discuss your diet and find out what you can eat to reduce your farting and pooping potential. While awkward for you, each and every body must excrete waste and gas on a regular basis. Doctors know this best.
If you have extreme reactions to certain foods, and body malfunctions happen to you on a frequent basis, you should work with your doctor to find the underlying problem. You may also want to visit a registered dietician to learn more about what you can eat so that you don’t soil the bed on a regular basis.
As the boy scouts say, “always be prepared.” While you’ll rarely get a positive reaction when you accidentally spray paint your partner brown, you can lower your chances of causing a problem by using these suggested changes and by having an emergency poop plan in place.
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Image via Veer.