Love & Sex

The Bizarre Confessions that Came Out of a New Sex Survey

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"Help me sue Steve Carell for the humiliation I now have to face."

Earlier this week, The Guardian reported about a national survey which basically concluded that people aren't having nearly as much sex as you think they are. Those stats pegged a solid 20 percent of us as dry spellers which, c'mon, was reassuring for all of us who've most recently cuddled with a down comforter. The Guardian, being the sprightly publication that they are, posted their own experimental sex survey at the bottom of the article. I myself took it and forgot about it, until today, when the absurd results were released.

What was supposed to be just a fun user poll ended up being a fact-checking survey, as an overwhelming 20,379 Guardian readers responded, bumping the month-long dry spell quotient up to a whopping 43 percent of respondents. Either the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles' data was wildly skewed, Guardian readers just don't get laid that frequently, or virgins love them some online quizzes. 

But the best part of the impromptu survey was the write-in box. The prompt above the empty field was a vague yet enticing, "Anything else?" And, oh, was the anything else as strange, candid, and heartwarming as you'd expect from a group consisting of at least 32 sexagenarian virgins. 

Response 39: "Yes I've had sex in the past 4 weeks, but before that there was a gap of 6 years…"

Response 2510: "I had a burger for lunch."

Response 2607: "I feel deprived."

Response 2734: "Husband and I both had colds."

Response 2991: "Genuinely happy not to be sexually active any more!"

Response 4,567: "I'm ugly."

Response 11, 893: "Help me sue Steve Carell for the humiliation I now have to face."

Thanks, peculiar Guardian readership. Now I don't feel nearly as bad about sleeping alone last night and I'm craving a veggie burger with sweet potato fries.

[h/t The Guardian]

Image via Universal Pictures.