Love & Sex

The Five Types of People I Will Always Have Sex With

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I don't have "a type." I have five. 

If there’s one thing I’ll always eat, regardless of hunger level, it’s pizza. If there’s one song that will make me sit in the car and wait until it’s over, no matter how late I am, it’s "The Beautiful Ones." If there’s one movie I’ll stay awake for, no matter how tired I am, it’s La Bamba.

Well, it’s the same with people I’d fuck: certain types will get me every time.

1. Hot people.

Claiming you’ll always have sex with an incredibly hot person is seriously dull, but it’s true. I will blindly look past all of your terrible personality flaws if your face makes me drool. Case in point: a while back, my cousin from Austin came up north on tour with his band. One of the band members and I began talking after their show, and I quickly found out he was really a shitty person. Even in the kind-of-flirting-that-will-definitely-lead-to-sex stage, he was wildly moody and spewing lengthy pseudo-intellectual pseudo-insights about my character. He called one of my best friends fat. He was an ass. But he was without a doubt the hottest man I’ve ever slept with, and I’m a pretty shallow person. It wasn’t even very good sex (and it ended with a cringe-inducing, "You rock, babe") but I still brag about it. Last I heard, he had a heroin habit and a baby named Coyote, and was on the run from Child Protective Services. I’d still have sex with him.


2. Emotionally damaged people.

It’s not unreasonable to say I’m a terrible person. I’ve been incredibly mean and unfeeling to people who have really liked me and I still complain about being lonely and never having sex. This is because I tend to be attracted to unstable men. If you’re young and you have your shit together, I think of you like a Wes Anderson movie: nice to look at, but I’m definitely going to fall asleep at some point. I’m turned on by emotionally damaged people because I like the thrill of never knowing if and when you're going to collapse into a pool of tears or flame up in in a fit of rage. If you had a fucked-up childhood, are desperately pining after someone else, or are just generally sad, I’d really like to see your penis. If you "can’t handle real feelings," are "incapable of sustaining any romantic relationships" or think "nothing feels right ever," please let me spoon your naked body.


3. People in a position of authority.

I’ve been in love with bosses, professors, and security guards at the library who tell me, "You can’t sit here." Businessmen on the subway have the kind of supple, unlabored hands that have me fantasizing about what’s under their Brooks Brothers suits. I was in a coffee shop the other day, and there was a man who was probably nearing sixty, sitting with his laptop and looking so put together he was almost rigid. I got the sense that if a trio of tap-dancing men with machetes danced in, he would just calmly pack up his things and go pay his taxes; in that moment, I wanted him. Badly. My above-middle-aged thesis advisor would always talk to me about Prince and Television and I loved him in an entirely sexual way. He would reminisce about shows he went to in the '70s, and I would just sit there wiping the sweat from my upper lip 'cause I was so horned-up.


4. Funny people.

Being witty and adept with situational comedy requires an understanding of human interaction. You can't command a room with humor unless you can recognize the ridiculousness of daily existence and grasp on hidden social anxieties. And if you can do this, you’re probably also a good lover. Being able to comprehend things like "complex irrationality" and "fear of dying alone," and then making people laugh about it, suggests intelligence and empathy. This is why there’s a huge Twitter community of lonely, sad people who tweet comically about their solitude and weird habits, and every one of their 20,000 followers has a crush on them. There are two problems with this, at least as it pertains to my life. 1) I’m not sure how to approach someone for sex on Twitter, and 2), the funniest person I know is my cousin, and I’m a close second.


5. People who look like people I've already had sex with.

Maybe in the same way people are sexually attracted to people who look like they do, I tend to gravitate towards men who resemble other men I’ve already slept with. Repeated sex with a large bearded man sparked a total lumberjack fetish; I did the naked dance fairly regularly with a lanky Filipino boy and now I eye-fuck every Asian I see. Two aesthetic opposites, but both have set some kind of standard that triggers my arousal alarm every time a doppelganger passes by. Is it because I feel more comfortable fucking people I already know? Yes, but I think this is also some sort of mental attempt to relive past sexual experiences. If I could just ball up everyone I’ve already sexed into one studly, emotionally-destroyed-but-still-stable Filipino lumberjack, I’d be set.

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