Love & Sex

The 5 Bizarre Technologies that Will Finally Make You Datable

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Fair warning, keeping a sassy "decapitated mannequin head" at your home is a mixed bag.

1. A doll head that checks you for bad breath

Built by a Japanese group called CrazyLabo, this talking head, named "Kaori-chan," will be brutally honest if your breath stinks. Her phrases include, "Yuck, you have bad breath!" and, "Emergency, There's an emergency taking place! That’s beyond the limit of patience!” But fair warning, keeping a sassy "decapitated mannequin head" at your home is a mixed bag: sure, she'll check your breath; but her creep-out factor might outweigh her usefulness. Tread carefully.

2. A shirt that tells people where you like to be touched

Do you enjoy the touch of other humans? Are you whole inside and fully functional? If so, leave now. The robot future is only for those of us who shudder at the touch of near strangers. This sensory shirt uses biometric feedback and random PacMan icons (???) to indicate which areas on my torso you like being touched. Very useful (and weirdly sexy) for first dates or would-be courtiers. Charmingly, the study for which this shirt was designed concludes that most people prefer to be touched on their shoulders and upper back. I guess that's a no on the bellyrubbing of subway commuters, then?

3. A robot dog that tells you if you have smelly feet

Built by the same company that built the mannequin head, but I prefer a cute (if wirey) pug to a decapitated uncanny valley style head. Adorably, this bot-mutt communicates how your feet are smelling through nonverbal cues. According to the 2045 Initiative, "He'll cuddle up to you if you smell ok, but if you stink he'll bark, fall down and growl, or play dead." Both he and the creepy head were designed using commercially available odor sensors and were designed to rate your smell on a four point scale.

4. A GPS tracker to make you seem put together

This is one of those "why didn't I think of that inventions"– a GPS tracker, ringer, and iPhone app to help you keep tabs on anything you stick it to. Never be late to another date again! Can't find your wallet, your keys, your bike? Tile has it covered. It's also got a gorgeous minimalist design. Think of it as the domestic version of buying a Vespa: helps you get places faster and look damn good while you do it.

5. A robot that predicts when you want more beer

If you watch the video, it seems like this robot is mostly just good at opening fridges and guessing when you're reaching for your cup. But according to Wired's Gadget Lab, it'll also pour beer before you can even get to your cup. Sort of like a super attentive butler. Plus, try this pickup line on for size: "Want to come upstairs and check out my future-predicting beer pouring robot?" May you and your date never be sober again.