There is nothing like sticking it to the man by sticking it in the man. It’s probably why generations of men and women have risked their careers in the pursuit of a good office fuck. “I think doing the dirty deed at work is a fierce turn-on because of the danger,” says Open For Business: Tales of Office Sex author Alison Tyler. “While many players will deny this, the thought of getting caught, of being seen, of being—oh, let’s just say it—exposed, can be highly erotic.”
But if you are going to plan a sexual dalliance in your place of employment, there are several things you should keep in mind. So with some help from a few sexual sherpas we compiled a beginners rulebook to gettin’ it on in the office. We can’t promise you won’t lose your job, but we can promise you won’t look at a stapler the same way ever again.
Look Out For Cameras
Even though the danger is the turn-on, the biggest rule when it comes to office sex is don’t get caught. Still, in our horny delirium we often overlook the extra eyes in the room: security cameras. A friend passed along an incident that occurred at his favorite bar. “A new barback was hot for the bartender he was working with on his first night there,” he shares. “They eventually went to the basement and had sex on the manager’s desk. They didn’t notice that there were several closed circuit cameras aimed at the desk. The next day the manager called a companywide meeting to show the staff the video.”
The trick is to find the right cubicle, the one that manages to escape the camera’s sight. Or a corner that is devoid of Big Brother. Maybe your office kitchen? And be sure to keep in mind the cameras in disguise. Does your company spy on you using your computer’s built-in camera? If so, you might want to make sure there are no computers nearby before you whip it out.
Keep Away From Windows
Just because you can’t see anyone doesn’t mean they can’t see you. Lights can easily deceive you to what nearby buildings can see. “Make sure if the office has a window that there isn’t a balcony or smoking area facing it. I made that mistake the last time,” admits program manager Jacob. Alison Tyler agrees: “One of my best office interplays was not my brightest. I worked in an office building that was entirely made of windows. My lusty partner and I didn’t seem to realize that we basically put on an X-rated show for anyone who had a view.” Plus, you never know who is going to have a wandering telescope.
Privates in a Private Bathroom
Most seasoned practitioners of office fornication will tell you that the best place to get it on is in the bathroom—ideally a private one. Most office bathrooms don’t have cameras, the partitions help provide privacy, there is plenty of noise to cover up moans, and you have the necessary supplies for post-coital clean up. Be sure to avoid peak times like right after lunch, and don’t forget to lock the door. Should you be forced to use a public office restroom, salesman Paul has a prime piece of advice: “Make sure someone’s feet are off the ground.”
But Storage Closets Works, Too
Should a bathroom not be available or should your office have multiple IBS issues (and therefore a crowded latrine) look for similar spaces without cameras or crowds. For personal trainer Gerome, that meant a storage room on a different floor. “He was the only one with a key,” he recalls of his partner. “So he knew exactly where to go for a mid-afternoon romp. Obviously he had done this several times before.”
Long (Hot) Days At The Office
You won’t even need an alarm to get out of bed when you arrange for some office fun early in the work day. Which is a good thing, because a quieter office means there is less of a chance of getting caught. Same goes for “working late,” though it helps to plan around those late-night cleaning schedules. Who knows? Your tireless dedication to the company might look good to your supervisor and even earn you the ultimate workplace sexaholic prize: a private office.
After Hours and Weekends Work
If you want to be certain no one will be around when you do the deed, consider coming in long after everyone has gone. If you know the security codes, you should be able to enter the premises without alerting suspicion. “I did have a slight panic the next morning when waking up on the floor cuddled up,” says IT specialist Andy about his Saturday-night tryst. “Thankfully no one else turned up early on Sunday, so we quickly locked up and then headed our separate ways.”
Always Keep Supplies On Hand
Rarely does the in-office affair happen when planned. So best play things safe and keep a condom (and maybe some lube?) on hand at all times. And be sure to keep them in a safe pocket of your gym bag rather than a company-owner drawer. You don’t want to go through all the work of protecting yourself from getting in trouble only to get in trouble for not protecting your private parts.
Beware Engaging Co-Workers
Sure, that handsome guy in accounting has been aggressive with the flirtation lately, but hold off before propositioning him in the copy room. If he rejects you, you run the risk of exposing your afternoon delights—or worse yet, alerting Human Resources. If you’re gonna get fired, you better get some action out of it first. And even if he is game for it, things might go sour when you’re both up for the same promotion. “Be clear about your emotions. If you do the deed at work, and your relationship fizzles, will you still be able to work side by side without the desire to email his love notes to the entire staff?” asks Tyler. We say play it safe and pick your playmates for the workplace outside of the office.
If You’re Doin’ It, Someone Else is Doin’ It
It’s important not to be naive when it comes to office sex. Don’t think you’re the only courageous soul at the company who has ever gotten the bright idea that the break room table would be perfect for a good bang. Non-profit employee Sam wasn’t shy to invite a friend of his by after everyone had gone for the day. “We had sex on the kitchen table,” he fondly remembers. “I still giggle inside when I see coworkers eating their lunch on that table.” So should you go through with the deed, be considerate of your fellow employees. Clean up after yourself. Thoroughly. You’d want them to do the same, wouldn’t you?