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September 16, 2003
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 1. Lip liner. To paraphrase David Cross: "Lip liner makes your mouth look like an asshole. You're talking and I'm imagining six different types of shit coming out of your mouth."
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 2. Instant messaging.
j_dunlevy_69: so do u want to go out with me? |
 3. Office cubicles. The ultimate in sexual frustration: a tiny little room too private to flirt with your neighbor and too public to pleasure yourself.
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| 4. Match.com personals. Fun-loving gal, 42, likes long walks on the beach, long Sunday afternoons at Linens 'n' Things, bridge . . . PLEASE KILL ME. |
 5. Lord of the Rings. The movies are fine, but did you know that if you read the trilogy three times in a year you actually get your virginity back?
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 6. Denise Richards. Sexy two years ago, but now looks like she's been ridden hard and hung out wet.
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| 7. Nu Metal. Musical genre or soundtrack for gang rape? The debate continues. As fads go, makes goth look positively sensible. |
| 8. Teddies. One time, a girl surprised us by wearing a satin teddy to bed. We excused ourselves to the bathroom and had a little cry. |
| 9. Livejournal. How I'm feeling: bored. Song stuck in my head: "Raspberry Beret." Air of mystery that once surrounded me: gone. |
| 10. Star diets. Has anyone seen the other half of Beyonce Knowles, Kate Winslet, or Christina Ricci? 'Cause it left with all the good parts. |
| 11. Drinks with "sexy" names. Bar patrons who order a "screaming orgasm," "sex on the beach," "blow job," or "long slow screw against the wall" are 77% less likely to get laid than the ones drinking beer. Wonder why. |
| 12. Heath Ledger. They fussed over him a while ago, but he just looks like your older cousin's dumb metal boyfriend from 1987. |
 13. Ashton Kutcher. Okay, the backlash started already, but it still hasn't been publicly pointed out that his neck is thicker than his head. Shit like that was genetically selected against a million years ago.
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| 14. Fan fiction. That gangbang between the Backstreet Boys and the cast of Buffy is much hotter in your head than on your website. Please keep it there. |
 15. Pilates. Yoga minus the kinky contortions. There are better ways to spend an hour on your back.
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| 16. Jenny from the block. Forget the "real" J-Lo. We'd rather fuck the one who demands white candles and 450,000-thread-count sheets in her hotel room. |
| 17. Valium. It gained fame as the drug that kept Donna Reed fem-bots from having nervous breakdowns and burning the roast. Except you're not cute like Donna Reed. You're just slurring your speech. Stop it. |
 18. Your cats. Attachment to a non-human mammal that doesn't give a fuck about you bespeaks emotional damage. It's the kind that transforms you from "alluringly quirky" to "certifiable."
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| 19. Little digital cameras on your cell phone. These are for taking dirty pictures and posting them online, not for snapping your fully clothed friends in bars. When will the populace understand this? |
| 20. Television. Despite the amount of reality raunch on the small screen, "Come over and watch a movie" is always going to be more of a jeans-loosener than "come over and watch TV." |
| 21. Over-grooming. Being clean and neat is good. People appreciate a white smile and trimmed fingernails. If you're spending time and money getting your asshole bleached, step back for a sec. |
| 22. Perfume/cologne. A throwback from a time when people didn't wash. |
| 23. Continentals. Everything sounds sexy with an outrageous accent. Sure, whatever they say seems profound, but that's because their 300-word vocabulary was gleaned entirely from Doors records. Context, people! |
| 24. The movie Unfaithful. Case in point. Only archetypal soccer moms get hot and bothered by the idea of an unkempt Gallic type who speaks in prose. Yuck! |
 25. Stillettoes. Exactly 87% of women who wear them hobble around like newborn foals.
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| 26. Martini glasses. By the time you drag your Cosmo or sidecar across the bar, there's 40% less liquid in it. |
| 27. Food — particularly oysters — as aphrodisiacs. Funny how all these vaguely genital-esque foods happen to be culinary Spanish Fly. "It kind of looks like a lady's naughty part!" he says. "Mmmm ... I'm eating it as if it were a big glob of come," she replies. "Perhaps we should go and do it!" they say and promptly leave the raw bar. A load of posh nonsense. |
 28. Smoking fetishes. Blowing smoke rings is a neat trick. So is the "French inhale." As for people who jerk off while thinking about this, in the same way that foot fetishists graduate to shoe fetishism, do cig pervs end up worshipping emphysema?
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 29. All-over tans. Frequently accompanied by a clean-shaved pubic region, a pot belly and a NASCAR visor. A deep-tanned penis looks like a dry-cured meat snack you bought at a gas station. Tan lines — hot!
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| 30. Coldplay. The new Portishead. By this, we mean they make wayyyyy overplayed sex music, the audio equivalent of a party van or bearskin rug. Like mad cow disease, Chris Martin's songs seep into your head and slowly mutilate your DNA until your brain is soup. |
| 31. Candles. Another lame sexual accoutrement handed down from our parents' generation, like Kenny G and bubble bath. Some company must market these items in combination as the Hot Lover's Fun Pak. Probably with a silk scarf and an ice-cube tray. |
| 32. Tongue Rings. You having a tongue ring in 2003 is like us prancing around in eight-ball jackets. After four drinks you'll slur that it makes oral sex feel amazing. It doesn't! |
 33. Lower-back tattooes. Lately, it seems that if there's no faux-Celtic design between your low-rise jeans and your baby tee, something's missing. Recently, we've been seeing girls with their names in thug font in that place. Must save a lot of awkwardness.
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 34. Burning Man. Thirty-five-year-old men with frattoos and goatees trek into the desert in search of hippie poontang. "Dude! Naked chicks!" By way of preparation, they throw on a String Cheese Incident CD (and take out the Insane Clown Posse) on the long drive from the Valley.
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 35. Friendster.com. For a few months, it was a secret cute-kid sex party. Then all your exes heard about it. Then Courtney Love got on it. Then strangers started insisting you'd shared some magical experience with them outside Tuscaloosa. You told them you'd never been to Tuscaloosa and that they must have the wrong person. Then they told you your pet hamster's name from when you were five and you started shaking.
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| 36. Employment. People always talk about "becoming their job," which is the most heinous thing ever. |
| 37. Headgear Trends. Trucker hats, paperboy caps and sweatbands look ridiculous on anyone other than truckers, paper boys and Bjorn Borg in 1976. You can be funny, but not with your head. |
| 38. Lead guitarists. Girls have THINGS for bassists, THINGS for drummers. But do you know anyone with a THING for lead guitarists? No. Too often, they cross the line between cocky and desperate. |
| 39. Novelty hip-hop. Clever modernist lit references + killer hook = suck. If Derrida and the RZA were meant for each other, they would have figured it out by now on their own. They're both smarter than us. |
| 40. Ann Coulter. Oh, look! Psychotic neo-Nazi tendencies and pretty hair! Isn't that cute? No. And think about it: it's not hard to be the belle of the conservative-pundit ball when all the other guests are Rush Limbaugh. |
| 41. Flavored lube. If God wanted us to taste like kiwi, he would have made us kiwis. (Also applicable to lip gloss.) |
| 42. The Mile High Club. You hear a lot about horny, uncreative couples ducking into airplane restrooms together. What you don't hear about are sprained knees, the smell of disinfectant, and the very real possibility of being sucked through the toilet to your death. |
| 43. Blogging about your sex life. People who do this are under two delusions: a) that everyone wants to fuck them, and b) that their writing is interesting. Which is worse: sexual megalomania or an inability to edit? It's a dead heat. The online equivalent of that excruciatingly monotonous blowjob scene in every porn movie ever made. |
| 44. Planned sex marathons. "Dude, we got a hotel room and didn't come out for three days!" This never happens. Even if it does, it's not cool. |
 45. Kim Cattrall. We're all for women retaining sex appeal after forty, fifty, sixty, or whatever. What we are not for: actresses displaying their identity crises by wearing bright green minidresses to the Video Music Awards while snarling supposedly seductive things about 50 Cent.
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| 46. Craigslist Casual Encounters (www.craigslist.org). The anonymously exposed deepest desires of urban youth. Mostly for hand jobs and Vicodin, always misspelled. |
 47. Teenagers. The aspirational age of our society is about sixteen. But a smoking-in-the-girls-room, fucking-in-the-backseat sixteen. Not a bra-strap-snapping, zit-popping, handing-in-math-homework-late sixteen. Market your lite beer however you want to market your lite beer, but know this: real teenagers are kind of gross.
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| 48. Pot. Many people will go on and on about how great stoned sex is. If by “sex,” you mean “eating saltines and watching infomercials,” then you're absolutely right! |
| 49. Man jewelry (any). Once, Carrie got with this guy who wore his grandfather’s old Russian war medal on a chain around his neck. It was meaningful and tasteful, but all she could think about during sex was Tony Danza. We're just saying . . . |
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50. The Internet. All those people. All that porn. All that time. Nothing you can touch. n° |
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Commentarium (75 Comments)
The one, and only thing, you forgot to include on your 50 unsexy list is...NERVE - you all are so full of shit that you cannot look in the pejorative mirror. Who are you? What are you? But a bunch of self-proclaimed sex experts who can barely proclaim to give good head, unless you read your own lame ass diatribe "The Big Bang." Blow smoke up someone elses ass for a change.
That was great! I posted a link to it in my Livejournal!
Grant, this is the first piece with which you've disappointed. Severely.
yeah, i'm kinda disappointed with this. it's kind of funny, but it also seems like it's trying too hard. it's not that clever. nerve is getting celebrity-obsessed.
This is a work of complete genius!
fabulous...and so life affirming
clearly nerve rises above the fray once again with wit, charm and warm and inviting elitism
i belong
i don't get it.
oh yah, irony and sarcasm.
right, cool.
excellent
Oh come on guys! You missed a gold opportunity with this article. Here's eight right out of the top of my head.
1--Madonna's kiss with Britney Spears (desperate plea for attention from the queen of fake publicity).
2--Guys who wear backwards baseball caps (a.k.a "fratus boyus", much worse than the guys who were truckers caps, a.k.a. "hipus faux workingclassus")
3--Bleached blond, fake breasted, belemic, bimbo women who are all the rage in the media (I guess this one is just obvious; kind of like pointing out how tiresome reality TV shows are)
4--Hipster "waifs" who look like they just finished shooting up that morning (sorry women who look like teenage boys make me feel like a pedophile just looking at them)
5--Glamour magazines (plastic looks for plastic people)
6--Wallet chains (no one is going to mug you in Smallsville, USA)
7--Guys with animal nicknames (grow the hell up "Snake")
8--Guys who drive big gas guzzling trucks & SUV's(we all know what they are compensating for)
yeah, irony, we get it. at least it was funny in some places. agree with the person who mentioned wallet chains and guys with animal nicks. gawd, reading this list you'd think it was uncool to ever get any...
What a great piece! It includes almost everything I hate except you missed the number one...The people (men and women) with their annoying flip flops. Your feet are not sexy and walking around in filthy NYC with them even makes you more unattractive.
number 51, taking the time to compose a list naming "unsexy" things. Get a fucking life. What are we, in tenth grade?
OK, so I did chuckle at a few of them...
Some were right (office cubicles, nu metal), but some were WAYY off base.
Kim Catrall and Denise Richards in stilletos with some pot is my idea of a pefect evening.
ugh...pasties and saltines? NOT a good idea! No wonder there's no sex happenin!
Dear lord, this is awesome. I am a pathetic livejournaler who has suddenly seen the error of my ways. Note to self: write less, be sexy more.
other things you missed:
mindless patriotism, especially American flags made in China. it had its moment, let's regain our wits.
hipsterism. this deserves a whole article unto itself.
believing anything you see or hear on television for more than three seconds.
fast food, especially veggie burgers that have more crap and fat in them than the equivalent meat ones.
Hot Topic.
How about lists defining what is hip and what isn't?
Get rid of Number 4 and number 35, and just come out and say "Pay nerve.com instead!"
Oh, and I think you're crazy re: number 29. Tan lines are evil.
Dear nerve staff,
Your attempts at sarcasm, wit, and humor are getting lamer by the week. Either that or you guys are dumbing down for a reason. Too many teenage followers? Adios amigos.
Great list, can we get a 50 sexy things list?
You guys hit everything on the head except for #6. It should have been: Justin Timberlake, not Denise Richards. And even if you're implying that by being with Charlie Sheen she is now in the permanantly ragged-out category, so be it. She's still fine as hell!
amateur, pop idolized jibberish. if you hate them so much...why such and obsession?
hey! chuckleheads! (i''m talking to YOU, feedbackers) this is opinion, not new legislation.
Thanks for a great laugh!!! The list was sooo hilarious!!!
Let's review...you dissed your competition (Match.com, Friendster.com), you insulted people who own cats intimating they are mentally unbalanced, teenagers (that's okay, they're not old enough to become premium subscribers anyway), folks to choose Pilates to stay in shape as well as those who light candles, drink martinis, listen to Coldplay, read Tolkien and play lead guitar. Conclusion: an amazingly humourless and mean-spirited "list." Would #50 include your "premium" offerings as well?
im guilty of livejournal, friendster, and craigslist....
its a sexy unsexy, however
Wow! This feedback is better than the article...
Very amusing I must say...Especially #43...the entire LiveJournal experience is full of moments that should be saved for one's diary, therapy sessions, and/or conversations with friends for whom the minute detail of your day is of interest. Please do not subject the online community to tall tales of your sexual bravado (or lack therof).
enough with the percentage points on everything. use that device once, then get creative with other ways to say what you're saying in a funny way.
oh my god, do you mean "proverbial" mirror? Oh my god I have to lie down. oh my god everybody scroll down it's too funny.
Oh no! I'm an archtypical soccer mom with 5 cats that is considering a lower back tattoo...I may never get laid again! Lighten up people!
Jesus, do you really likes sex? :P
Meh, there were a couple of good points in there, but for the most part a pretty weak list.
Here is how I expressed my opinion of your Unsexy List on my "genital-retracting personal sex blog":
http://www.search4friction.com/archives/001109.html
Actually, I agree with some of your choices, but for an online sex magazine (yes, I realize you have a a printed version too), there seems to be a strange bias against Internet sex and technology in general.
I get the impression your "staff" are growing older and less culturally in tune with your readership, or they don't get laid much and are pissed.
Yeah, this was pretty weak... come on Nerve, you're better than this! Basically a rehashing of this year's trends and a lame attempt at pointing out the stupidity (and unsexiness) of each one. I expected something a little more witty.
Are you KIDDING ME?! This is lame lame lame. Since when was Friendster SUPPOSED to be sexy? Or Burning Man? Or LIVEJOURNALS?! WTF?! Hey, you know what's not sexy? people TRYING TOO HARD TO BE RELEVANT...
UNSEXY: uptight daddios who take jokes so literally they can't laugh at themselves. This ace list had me emailing the URL to a friend before I'd even finished reading it! And for what it's worth, I got the link via LJ. From someone who got the joke. ;)
Oh, you've disappointed so utterly with this. You've done no real research at all. If only you all were having as much good sex and as often as "Lord of the Rings" fanfiction writers on LiveJournal. Seriously.
#51. nerve.com - lameass losers with nothing more original in their bag than a lot of cheap disses. is this what you have to stoop to in order to find new material? who even comes to your meaningless site? if you imagine that you are any less vacuous than the next site on the internet, then you are sorely mistaken.
Excellente. A notch above the usual media "list". Kudos!
Sorry, but you are so wrong. Who made you the arbiters of sexiness, and who narrowed your minds to the equivalent of fundie dogmatists?
I've got an idea of what is un-sexy: Looking down your nose like a righteous know-it-all. So there!
I'm sorry, but that Backstreet Boys/Buffy crossover gang bang I posted on my website? It so was HOT AS HELL >:0
Ha! lipliners come in shades for a reason. It wasn't intended to give a person 'ring around the lips'.
Some of those are true, but I love Coldplay, and lead guitarists. That is all.
i agreed w/ everything except the lead guitar players...you are DEFINATELY wrong there, the pot, and the hotel sex marathons..
everything else was dead on
the best list written up that practically all of my friends and i can sit around and totally agree on. it was awesome.
Sigh. I just finished an MA in Critical Theory, and intended to get back into the studio to bust out hot rhymes like "harder core than a backdoor porno, kickin negative dialectics like I'm Theodor Adorno"...and then see that doing so is the 39th Unsexiest thing on Nerve's list.
And I really thought that battling DJ Spooky over what I consider to be his misreading of Gilles Deleuze would be what got me my (Christopher? Lafayette?) street cred.
I'm assuming that I can't put www.soundclick.com/oldscratch on this form, but I'll give it the old too-much-college try anyway.
Also, the attacks on Match.com and craigslist just feel sort of...petty. Territorial. The sorts of asides that I grumble about when I read them in the great NYPress "Village Voice pigtail dipathon" every other week.
And what's wrong with eight-ball jackets? People used to get shot for them, so they MUST be good. When was the last time someone was shot on a subway platform for their Yamamoto slacks?
nice work! who is the author- i want to read more
i think these comments are funnier than the list.
what's your email boym (for that whole topic unto itself)
Odd that this piece would riff on "Match.com", when Nerve (or "Springstreet") Personals have become a sort of synonym for sleazy and pathetic hookupism.
Re: Ann Coulter: "Everyone else looks like Rush Limbaugh".
Huh-what? Let's catalogue this:
Conservative women: Sabine Herold, Laura Ingraham, Michelle Malkin, Virginia Postrel, Kathy Kinsley - all women who can out-write Jimmy Breslin and out-fuck Bill Clinton, not that any of them would touch him.
Demcrat women: Molly Ivins.
Nuff said.
Hey, I can do irony and sarcasm, too!
pardon my ignorance...but what the hell is a frattoo?
this was a great read and very funny
Just had to say you rule and you made my mundane morning! I know, get a life.
This list sucks ass.
who ever made this list sucks. you're probably too busy beating off to anime porn to read this though.
Ann Coulter is a piece of work. Smart. Sexy. And she cna kick your ass any day. She would run circles around anyone in a debate. Don't mess with her
I almost snorted water out my nose while reading this. Hilarious! And I am over Denise Richards too. eeww!
that was so funny.
bravo to all that composed the list.
Has the person that wrote the "blurb" about Burning Man even ever attended? It sounds to me like the un notioned assumption that runs rapid in the minds of perverts who actually can't afford to go to Burning Man.
STRING CHEESE INCIDENT RULES ASSHOLE!
This list is bland, boring and too long. Luckily after i gave up reading the whole thing after number seven and skimmed the rest I found some humour in the lead guitarist. Kinda funny because i could relate...odd, seems to me the people writing this had no life. I'll never get thst 10 minutes back now.
Great article! The best part is when you stole content from much more entertaining sites and didn't credit them! BRAVO!
http://www.shortandhappy.com/amber/
geezus, i read some o the feed back an you guys got a bit an ass-woppin eh? so um, wadda you expect? oh well, to each there own, but the attitude that drove this list should be no. 1 on it.
Just like some people don't like cats, cats just don't like certain people. I can always tell a complete asshole, even when they are on their best behavior and are seemingly charming by whether my cats like them or not. They've never been wrong. Dear author, you have my sympathy.
Did it really take he entire Nerve staff to come up with this?! I can see why no individual wanted to take credit for it. Shame! Shame!
18. Your cats. Attachment to a non-human mammal that doesn't give a fuck about you bespeaks emotional damage. It's the kind that transforms you from "alluringly quirky" to "certifiable."
WRONG. I suppose you guys are dog people, huh? Come on. Dogs are just overgrown lemmings, which is not sexy because, well, independence is sexy. Cats are a hell of a lot sexier by far.
So funny and yet hilariously true, you said all the things the rest of us cant say and that is what makes stuff like this a funny thing to read, aint life just one humurous head-fucking event.
Your writing is simple great, Especially for beginners!
Hello! deebgck interesting deebgck site!
nice, you wrote a nice one.
It's really provoking point of view.
ha-ha-ha-ha! That is standart point of view, be more original!
This article was aweomse! It kinda reminded me of this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGNya6fePKc&feature=sh_e_sl&list=SL
pls hny i need ur help/
Now you say something