Not one involves "What is Love?" by Haddaway.
Sunday morning post-game coverage usually consists of groggy reflections about that amazing song the DJ played that you can't quite remember, and, hey, what about that devilishly handsome man with the blue shirt you walked out with? You usually sigh, "Well, he came over and we were just hanging and then we did shots and it was late so, um, yeah." But what actually takes place within that weighted "Um, yeah?"
A new study released by The Journal of Sex Research has found that there are four identifiable patterns in the nightclub seduction process that lead to further "escalation processes" a.k.a. your one-night stand. Studying and interviewing heterosexual clubbers ages 18 to 65 in Portuguese nightclubs over 18 months, scientists broke down nighttime seduction into distinct steps: nonverbal seduction, visual seduction, verbal seduction, and acting. Women are largely in charge of initiating nonverbal and visual seduction, whereas men began more active cues like conversation and physical touch to ensnare a new mate, or at least, a dance partner. As the study notes, frequently checking up on your night's object of affection is quite important, because "if either person misses a cue, the seduction process can end." That means, miss one knowing look during the Ying Yang Twins and that lady in the green tank top is lost forever.
Nonverbal seduction, mainly used by women in the field, includes sophisticated, even provocative dress. Experts know this may include short lamé dresses, low-cut necklines, and spandex. Lots of spandex. Sophisticated nightclub wear is akin to a bird of paradise's unique plumage. Put enough colorful feathers around your neck, and you might get selected for a slow dance. But Lycra is not for everyone, as the study notes hilariously, "the strategy of shy women was not to show their body and to abstain from entering into the structure domain (marriage) with men that attended nightclubs."
Visual seduction, most often enacted by women 18 to 25-years-old, is a highly scientific process. It involves a woman, usually flanked by a circle of other women bobbing about with their gin in hand, seducing a man who meets all the desired traits — apparently tender eyes, strong hands, and a winning smile — through her eyes. As the study calls it, the "gaze, glimpse, and glance" strategy. While men do their own GGG dance, it's the ladyfolk who usually first lay their peepers on their chosen ones. This step involves a lot of pupil flicking and iris dilating, or so we presume. Pro tip: act like you have an eyelash stuck on your cornea, direct that towards the attractive corner of the room, and wait for the magic to happen.
Once your eyelids have sufficiently cramped, next begins the verbal tapdancing portion of the evening. Men largely initiate the conversation in a club, but on rare occasions, the ladies step up to the plate. Often times the conversation goes as follows: "Do you like Skrillex?" "What?" "I said do you like Skrillex." "Um, I think I might have a tissue in my purse." Then drinks are purchased.
The study saw three types of verbal seduction techniques employed by men including the provocative ("I wanna fuck you."), the complimentary ("Love your glasses."), and then the observational ("These lights are bright."). Roxbury-esque pick-up lines actually witnessed in the study included, "You are as good as corn!"; "I'd lick you all over!"; "Good fruit."; "Nice tits."
If somehow your stuttering corn compliments worked, you need to act on all that seduction you've been brewing. The last step in the nightclub seduction process involves caresses, touches, and kisses. Commonly started by men, initial touches start with the brushing of the hair or an arm around the shoulder. If a woman is the one enacting the touching, usually she does it through light brushing of the hand or resting her palm flat on a man's arm. Acting (you know, hair and elbow stroking), ultimately culminates in the "synchrony of movements" between two bodies. This involves the precise timing and coordination of your love interest's movements mirrored in your own. Though, I'd avoid that whole mime act. Once I thought a man was mocking my David Bowie dance moves in his attempt to copy my hip thrusts. Synchronization often leads to the "simulation of the sex act." I think what scientists mean by this is good ole grinding. Once you master sex simulation, you might be on your way to gradually escalating situations like kissing, penetration, and 11 a.m. waffle-purchasing.
Follow these careful, scientific steps, and you too could go home with someone from a nightclub. Or at least end up with an amazing series of Instagrams featuring a string of anonymous men and women in Lycra.
Image via Paramount Pictures.