Things I Never Knew About My Mom's Sex Life

For Mother's Day this year, I sat down with my dear mother and had her recount her love stories—the peculiar, the eccentric, and the crack addicts.


I urge you: sit down with your mother. You may not know everything about her.

It's been a pattern in my life that most of my true stories sound made up, and I think my mom is a big part of that. My mom has been married for thirteen years, is an accomplished nurse practitioner, a homeowner, and mother of four. By all means, she's a responsible, normal, and upstanding citizen. But before she fully got her shit together, she was a single mom of three kids and an ambling cast of characters ran through our lives from the time I was an infant to age eleven. My early memories shaped them into tall, carnival-esque figures, only informed by the half-recollections of a toddler. I wanted to know more about the real people behind these absurd myths.

For Mother's Day this year, I sat down with my dear mother and had her recount her love stories—the peculiar, the eccentric, and the crack addicts. My mom lived hard, freely, and sexily, and I love her for it. Here are some of her finest hours.

When I had asked her the weirdest thing she ever did for a date, my mom reminded me of the two years I spent omitting my birthday and Christmas from the calendar. Oh, right. Converting all your kids to an exclusive religion is kind of a weird thing to do.

I became a Jehovah's Witness for a guy. [laughs] Steve was the first black guy I ever dated, but that wasn't even an issue, it was more personality and life choices. It was more a chemistry thing. He was much younger than me, maybe about 20 years old when I was 26. At that age it was a big difference. His mom was a Jehovah's Witness and sheltered her sons and I don't even know if he had slept with anyone yet. Think about how guys that age kind of like that older woman thing. He was infatuated almost immediately, and I enjoyed the attention. It was intense. He got this fellowship from the church, so I became a Jehovah's Witness for a year. In reality, I thought I joined it as a way to be together, but then it felt like my thoughts were being controlled. For years we remained on-again, off-again, casual. Anytime he was being naughty and not being a Jehovah's Witness, we were together. I tried because I thought he was the love of my life for so long.

But that wasn't even the strangest thing I had remembered that she did for a man. I then begged her to tell me why she had once brought a man home from Mexico to live with us.

I wanted a souvenir nobody else could have. Haha, kidding! I went to Mexico on a little weekend vacation with my mother, and I met Pablo almost immediately at Fat Tuesdays—he worked there. He catapulted over the bar and started dancing with me. The next day I saw him at a hotel where we were staying, a really shitty hotel. We had a little vacation fling, and it was kind of an unusual situation for me to be able to do something like that with three kids. A couple months later, I went to visit him again at his house. The first time I met him, I realized he was a pretty smart guy who was only working at a restaurant. I said, "Why don't you go to college?" He didn't know how to do that. So, I suggested going to school in the United States.

A few months later, the most bizarre thing happens. He calls me on a Friday and tells me he will be there by Monday and asked me to help find him an apartment in Boston. I really didn't know my way around Boston, so I said I'd at least pick him up at the airport. He got in the car and I immediately said, "Listen, I had fun with you, I was on vacation, but I have a boyfriend now, so in the United States we are going to be friends." And that was true. I never actually slept with him when he lived with us! I had just started dating this man Matt and we were getting serious. But he still lived with us for a month before he got on his own feet. So yup, that's how I brought a Mexican home from vacation. When I graduated from college, Pablo actually came to the graduation party. Everybody misunderstood his name and kept calling him Paco. He never corrected them. I just thought you should note that. I don't know, he ended up being a jerk and I didn't stay friends with him for very long. 

Then there was the time my mom got crabs. I asked her what was the worst dating disaster of her life. I can't imagine any of ours involve pubic lice and a crack addict.

Dylan. He was gross. He gave me crabs and then actually accused me of giving them to him. I dated him really briefly. A relationship is doomed when you need toxic chemicals. Also, I didn't know this, but he was a crack addict. He stole my car one time and my ATM card. He took all the money out of my bank account and when he returned my car a week later, there was a crack pipe under the front seat. I never got the money back and after he returned the car, I never saw him again. I was young then, 25 probably. You were probably one year old. All I know is that under my seat there was something with tin foil, a pipe, a coat hanger or something. So, you know, I'd never seen it before, but I figure, crack.


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