It wasn't always all men going after my mom, though. I was especially fond of Jessica as a romantic prospect, mostly because she had a huge trampoline in her yard.

This one breaks my heart. Jessica was my friend, and that's what I thought it was about, not even realizing she wanted more. Though, during the time I was friends with her, that's when I met Pablo and Matt and all that stuff. I was boy crazy. There was no if, ands, or buts about how boy crazy I was. There was never any pretense that I was interested in women. Jessica even babysat you guys when I went off to Mexico to meet Pablo. But, she had something else in mind. I remember she said, "How did you know I was gay?" and I said, "You play softball, you drive a motorcycle, and you never talk about dating men. Do the math." For years and years later on August 2nd, I realize it's her birthday, and it makes me a little sad. Why couldn't we have stayed friends? She was the one who ended it. She made advances after a little wine, things were awkward, and we never spoke again. 

I had fragments of memories of most of the men my mom had been telling me about, so I asked my mom to surprise me with a story about someone I had never met. I'm pretty sure what followed was something she had planned to take to the grave.

Hank. Hank is who you do not know about. So, I was out with my friend Ted the Puppet Guy who I had originally met on an AOL dating chat room, but there wasn't really chemistry, so we decided to be friends. Ted the Puppet Guy made marionettes, but he didn't really have a job outside of that. He actually squatted on someone else's land in the middle of Massachusetts and made a very elaborate pot farm. There was irrigation, it was solar-powered, and he got busted. This was all before we met. So, I think he was still sort of rich from being a drug dealer, but was now riding on the puppet thing. That's not even the funniest part...

One night Ted the Puppet Guy and I went out with a few of his friends and I met Hank. At the end of the night, Ted calls me and asks if it is all right to give Hank my number. I agree to it. We get to talking and he tells me he is a painter. Then later he told me that he didn't really paint. "Oh, what do you do, then?" I asked. "I'm a hustler. Do you know what that means?" he asked. "I think that word can have many meanings," I said. "Well, I date guys for money, but I'm not gay," he explained. The thing about it was, he was really handsome. He was like a bodybuilder and handsome, but really full of himself and not very bright. He practically only ate boneless chicken breast and it was pretty disgusting.

He would tell me the things he did with guys for money. He said, "I don't fuck and I don't suck," but there were other things he did for guys. Dates and maybe some weird kinky stuff. He pursued me for a long time, but he never got to meet my kids. When my cousin Sarah got married, I wasn't actually seeing anybody at the time, so I asked Hank to go with me. He gave me money to buy a dress because he didn't like anything I owned, and he came to my cousin's wedding. Everybody, I mean everybody said, "Oh my God, your boyfriend is gorgeous." I felt like saying, "That's cuz he is a hooker. My date is a hooker." But don't worry, we were never serious. He wanted a relationship with me, but I figured someone who did what he did couldn't be that emotionally stable. 

I definitely had a lot of fun on those four days of the month that you kids went away to your father's house and I had my own time. Those four days of the month were basically my teenage years. I'm not even telling you all the good stuff.