Love & Sex

This New Vibrator Is Going to Make You Smarter, Apparently

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Mom, I need to go masturbate before I take these SATs.

Surveys claim that left-handers are not only more creative and intelligent than righties, but they have 71 percent more satisfying sex lives than people who happen to grab things with their right hand. The world isn't fair! How do we remedy this tremendous genetic disadvantage for the right-handers, who make up about 90 percent of the world's population? Today, luxury sex toy brand LELO announced the release of the Dextrüs, "the world's first right-handed vibrator that will make you smarter," according to the press release.

So, my future Mensa members, how does this little buzzing ball make you smarter? The design for the Dextrüs leans a lot on a 2013 study from the University of New England that suggests that when right-handers make use of their left hand, it stimulates the right hemisphere of the brain, boosting creativity and memory recall. But this very special vibrator is not meant for any clits, it's built for the hands. LELO explains that each time you squeeze the Dextrüs with your left hand, "the Right-Squeeze technology causes a whisper-quiet vibrations to travel through the left-arm and stimulate the right-side of the brain." 

Now let's get this straight: You are supposed to continuously squeeze a stress ball that resembles the Death Star as your partner and you are going at it? "Pay no attention to the silicone orb in my hand, honey, I'm just trying to prepare for my dissertation on pre-Columbian architecture while I make you come."

A closer look at the research shows that the Dextrüs was supposedly made in collaboration with Sinister College, Oxford, which Google gladly informs me is faker than Dorito cheese. Perhaps LELO is getting a head start on April Fools' Day, seducing all those crazy right-handers to believe that clutching a vibrator in a conference room is going to boost their brain. Sometimes, you're just the weirdo compulsively squeezing a vibrator in a cubicle.