I’ve always been one hot mama, with sexy men throwing themselves at me left and right, but since sporting a ring on my left finger, I’ve noticed that men are actually repelled. Which doesn’t do much for my self-esteem.
Now, the efficacy of body sprays is not exactly proven. While advertisers claim that their products act as aphrodisiacs, due to the presence of human sexual hormones in their ingredients, there is no proof that they actually have any effect.
Plus, I worried that using such sprays would mask my natural pheromones, which are supposed to indicate to males of the species my availability for breeding. (Seriously. My uterus is getting impatient.)
Still, I thought it was worth a shot.
I spread my body mists, pillow mists, spray talcs, and massage candles out on the bed before me. They came in scents as varied as plumeria, vanilla fields, botanical breeze, and more. Overwhelmed by the selection, I started spraying all of them on my pillow and inhaling. I was soon a bit light-headed from all of the mingling smells, but also sort of horny.
Was I supposed to attract…myself? My man wasn’t home. My vibrator was.
After finishing up, I sprayed myself with a cucumber-melon pheromone mist that reminded me of the fragrance mist I used to buy from Bath & Body Works back in high school. After all, I had dinner plans, and thought that — at the very least — I could hit on our waiter.
Dinner was a bust, perhaps because I smelled like a high schooler. Waiters usually love me, but this one barely glanced my way, except to ask if I wanted my water refilled. As he leaned in to fill my glass, I arched my neck in his direction. Nada.
Not willing to give up completely, I secretly sprayed my man’s pillow case with the Smooth as Velvet spray talc before bed. The scent was Champagne Rain.
As Michael joined me in bed, he sniffed the air curiously. Then he sniffed his pillow. “My pillow smells like something familiar,” he said, furrowing his brow.
“Like what?” I asked. “Your bad morning breath?” I was not yet willing to let on that I was secretly using him as a guinea pig.
“No. Like that massage oil maybe.”
Then he promptly forgot about the strange scent hovering around him and turned to me, all seduction. “You should make out with me,” he said, with a coy smile. (This is what passes for seduction at our place.)
“Nah, I’m tired.”
He started caressing my arm, and then my leg. “You should take off your clothes.”
“I don’t think so,” I replied, attempting to read a book.
“I want to put it in you,” he said.
“I’m tired,” I replied, finally turning off the light. I spent the next half hour trying to fight off his octopus-like advances.
Courtesy of the pheromones?
I sprayed on some more pheromone mist on Wednesday, but it didn’t help that the only time I left my condo was in the evening, to attend an exercise class with a bunch of middle-aged women. No wonder I’m not meeting anyone new.
Still, I sprayed Michael’s pillow with Silky Sheets that night.
When he came to bed, he sniffed his pillow again with confusion. “It smells like the beach,” he said. The scent was Botanical Breeze. He again tried to get with me, but he wasn’t as relentless as the night before. I wondered if the previous night had merely been a result of his typical, perpetual horniness. How would I ever know?
Unstoppable in my experiments, I sprayed Michael’s pillow again the next night, this time with a Vanilla Fields-scented Silky Sheets spray. He didn’t even notice. But he did inexplicably suggest that we give each other massages. Perfect! I reached over to my dresser and grabbed the single pheromone soy massage candle I had received in the mail. The scent was Vanilla Sugar.
It smelled delicious, like cotton candy. After it had melted somewhat, Michael poured some into his hand, and rubbed it into my back. Then I smelled delicious. It went on warm and smooth, and I was in heaven.
I didn’t get around to giving Michael a massage. Instead, I decided to let him know I had been surreptitiously spraying his pillow all week long. “You jerk,” he said, before inviting me to do all sorts of dirty things with him.
This morning, upon stepping out of the shower, I rubbed some Vanilla Passion-scented Body Dew into my skin [see picture at top of post]. It also made me smell delicious, like a lemon-tinged sugar cookie.
Michael is off today, for the holiday weekend, but he takes no notice of my succulent scent. Rather, he sits in front of the computer in his underwear, building websites and grunting whenever I say something.
No matter. I have to go pick up something at Bed Bath and Beyond. Surely this is where all the hot men hang out. See you later!
p.s. I have a ton of pheromone sprays to give away! It’ll be first come, first serve. Just comment with the top pickup spot you’d wear your pheromones to, and remember to include your e-mail info!