Spiked hair, tribal tattoos, board shorts, and generally douchey attitudes — everything I hate about the beach (and I live in New Jersey, so exacerbate that experience tenfold).
But you don’t have to be part of the problem, gentlemen! In fact, you can look cool, dapper, and old school, showing the normal ladies at the beach what an intelligent, worldly adult might wear (which is bound to be a breath of fresh air amidst the sea of orange tans and fist pumps).
Here’s a roundup of alternative items to wear to the beach, from top to bottom:
[28,350 yen (approx. $290), Honeyee]
Ditch those lame wrap-around sunglasses in favor of a thick-rimmed pair that screams 60s mod cool, like the Pursuit’s from Neighborhood. These glasses are the first sign that the man behind them is different from the other guys at the shore.
[$50, South Willard]
[$48, Urban Outfitters]
It’s all about the skin this summer, so trade in those dated board shorts (y’know, the kind that extends past your knees) for shorter swimming trunks à la James Bond. I’m particularly partial to the above pairs by Birdwell Beach Britches, a maker of classic swimwear since 1961, and Fred Perry. These shorts would be a sight for sore eyes, not to mention that they’d draw attention to your package more so than shorts that show less leg.
[$364, Alden Shoes]
[$225, South Willard]
Lastly, who wants to wear socks in the summer? Well, if you don’t want to have really stinky, damp feet, you probably shouldn’t wear shoes that are lined. And though boat shoes are unlined, they are also becoming way too saturated now, so why not give an unlined chukka boot or oxford shoe a shot? Simple, comfortable, and stylish; and you’re not showing off your unsightly toenails in Old Navy sandals like other dudes. Lord knows that no one wants to see that. However, a pair of blue shoes on the boardwalk are sure to draw positive attention your way.