Love & Sex

The Top 5 Sexiest Professions In The News

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Everyone knows firefighters, yoga instructors, and bartenders have no problems dating, but what about the rest of us?

Everyone knows the oft-cited tales of firefighters, yoga instructors, and bartenders who have no trouble getting people to join them in bed, but what about other less blatantly libidinal professions? Based on our highly scientific survey of recent news stories and academic articles, here's our Top 5 list of sexiest professions, ranked from least to greatest.

5. Mail carrier

"Package" innuendo aside, mail carriers don't have the sexiest of professions. Professional sex addict/gigantically hirsute comedian Russell Brand recently claimed to have become a postman for sex, and even he couldn't pull it off: “I was a mail man for a little while – it didn't go well. In my mind there's a cultural illusion that this is an opportunity for early morning conjugal activity…I thought the housewives would open the door with a gesture to the nether regions. It turns out it's not a window for sex. They just want the letters basically." Sucks for Brand, but take his dismissal of mail-appeal with a grain of salt. One Nerve employee claims to have had a longstanding crush on mail carriers from a young age. Perhaps if USPS allowed their workers to don short shorts we'd get connubial around snail mail more often.

4. Musician

Although they don't belong to an unconventionally libidinous profession, I'm justifying including musicians on this list because recent research and news stories have both confirmed and complicated the conventional story about our favorite Apollonian horndogs. For one thing, actually playing music doesn't seem to be relevant. This hilariously academic article takes a formal look at the appeal of music makers to conclude that dudes who carry guitar cases are perceived as more date-able than their bagless or neutral-bag-carrying peers. In the study, a man approached random 18-22 year old females on the street to ask them for their digits and a drink. Even though they were strangers, 31% of women gave their numbers away to the guitar case carrier — double the number of digits exchanged when the same man went bagless. This article is great for a bunch of reasons. For example, the first paragraph describes wingmanning as "a foot- in-the-door technique for a courtship request addressed by a male confederate." I am also really into this quote from the article:

After making his request, the confederate was instructed to wait 10 seconds and to gaze and smile at the participant. If the participant accepted the confederate’s solicitation, the confederate noted her phone number, said “See you soon,” and left the participant.

So that's how you nonabrasively get a pedestrian's number—thanks French psychologists.

On the other hand, if this recent hour-long interview with singer/songwriter legend Joni Mitchell is to be believed, free love was actually just a way for Woodstock bros to take advantage of women. The point being: yes, musicians are sexy. Just watch out that you're not falling prey to a ruse. 

3. Astronaut

The media has been kind to astronauts lately. Apparently astronauts do not actually like Tang, they DO like David Bowie, and they are more than happy to tickle your mustache+space suit fantasies. The Biebs recently announced he'll be taking to the skies; it would be all easy to assert that space is about to get a whole lot more/less sexy. But abate your teen star controversy machines: short of a message like "Johannes Kepler would have been a Belieber," I just can't be bothered with the world's latest No-G hair helmet player. I'd rather focus my sexual daydreams on classic babes like Mike Valentine in Stranger in a Strange Land or Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica.

 I feel very strongly about this.

Nevertheless, astronauts are being demoted to a paltry #3 on this list for the prohibition NASA has placed on space sex. Yeah, fuck you too, NASA. If this entire Wikipedia entry dedicated to space sex is too much for you, here's the tl;dr: astronauts shouldn't have sex in space because it will make things emotionally complicated in closed quarters. Also there are technical difficulties resulting from low friction and zero gravity. I've run across multiple reasons for why space sex is unmanageable, but the best one probably comes from Slate's "Explainer": "[P]eople normally experience lower blood pressure in space, which means reduced blood flow, which means … well, you know what that means." I've also heard that you'd need some kind of restraint (either a sleeping bag type deal or a third person) in order to thrust without getting literally carried away. As long as mandatory threesomes are NASA's main rationale against space sex, I don't see the problem. Loosen up, squares!

2. Pizza delivery person

So your porny fantasies of delivering more than just pizza didn't work out. The good news is that pizza will always be there for you. Queue the unfailingly wonderful reddit feature Ask Me Anything: this two month old AMA proves you don't need to be pizzasexual to get off on a good pie. The reddit article, written by a current pizza delivery guy, is titled "I just had sex with some uncooked pizza dough and it was AWESOME" and includes choice details like, "I didn't ever mean to fuck the dough at work. That would be unsanitary" and, "Someone came in who was getting pizza for a birthday party….None of them knew." As long as this stays sanitary, I'm all for delivery people getting their pizza on. And think of the potential sex-factor of someone who knocks on your door with hot pizza, a smile, and often a bright-colored hat.

1. Politicians

Between Newt Gingrich's lust for polyamory and Anthony Weiner's apparently redeemed dick pic proclivities, going by news alone you'd think politicians were getting laid in the style of CNN—24 hours a day. My one request? Ladies, get out there! I'm glad congressional titanesses like Elizabeth Warren haven't been involved in any political scandals, but let me say this: Elizabeth, if you find yourself tapping your foot in some bathroom stall, ditch the covert op and just go for it. Mm, yeah, question those bankers, just like that.