Nerve readers share their best stories from when they were told to get a room, and didn't.
Whether you're an exhibitionist or just impatient, public sex always makes for a good story. So we asked our readers to contribute their best, six of which you can find below. Stay tuned for part two!
My boyfriend and I were vacationing at his parents' lake house in Maine. I've always been attracted to the bearded lumberjack look, which my boyfriend was fulfilling in every way. We were in the perfect setting to match his appearance and the fresh air was making me frisky, so I suggested we "take a walk around the lake." This, of course, escalated into us getting sexy on a nearby patch of grass.
But halfway into my lumberjack fantasy, I saw my boyfriend's eyes wander and freeze on something several feet behind me. I arched my back in order to see what was so damn distracting, and my upside-down gaze met that of a rather large moose emerging from the lake. It took me a good ten seconds to realize that the enormous mammal was staring not because it was a voyeur, but because it was dead. A good few weeks dead.
Deciding that the moment was definitely ruined, my boyfriend and I got dressed and clambered over to get a better look at what was left of this moose. The head that was tilted oh-so observantly towards us was, by far, the most intact part of it. I saw bones as big as baseball bats sticking out of this thing.
A few weeks later, my boyfriend gave me a small, heart-shaped rock which he had polished and painted for me. I thought this was incredibly sweet until he told me it wasn't a rock. It was a piece of bone that he discreetly swiped from the dead moose because it made him "think of me."
We were on holiday in Kerala, India. We'd spent a few days hanging out with our local friend, but he was leaving us on our own for Christmas. We'd been staying in his family house and, what with all the cousins and kids underfoot, hadn't gotten a chance to get busy.
As soon as he left us at our hotel, we tore into each other. Our room had a bay window with a low seat, which proved to be the perfect height to bend her over onto. Unfortunately, during the fray, we failed to notice that A) the window was open and B) the curtains had fallen off. As soon as the dust had settled, we looked down to see a massive crowd gathered in the street below us, complete with cop car.
Cue a knock at the door. I answered the door to find a young hotel staffer. Embarrassment, shame and hilarity were fighting a three-way cage match on his face, but he managed to politely inform us that we need to move. They put us in the very back of the hotel — as far from windows as possible — but not before sending up a complimentary bottle of local beer.
My cousin was getting married in Lake Zurich and everyone was dressed to the nines. My then-fuck buddy agreed to accompany me and pretend to be my beau. After all of the shmoozing and carousing, we meandered off to explore. I was wearing a bright red dress and silver hooker heels. He looked at me and said, "Lose the panties," then proceeded to fuck me against the wall. From where we were standing, I could see my family on the dance floor, doing the Electric Slide and drinking cheap white wine. Ten minutes later, he came on my dress. I pretended that it was frosting from the wedding cake.
While vacationing in Granada, Spain, I met a charming Brit and became instantly smitten by his sexy accent and copious stores of cheap sangria. Since we were staying in different rooms with multiple bunkmates, we searched the hostel for the perfect spot to consummate our fling. We found it on the roof, where I attempted to sit on the railing, which would have no doubt resulted in me plunging to my death with one errant thrust. When that failed, we settled on the bathroom in the lobby. He left the next day, but I was able to pat myself on the back when another guest at the hostel openly wondered about the upside-down hand prints on the bathroom mirror.
I was on a cruise in college with about thirty other guys. One night, at one of those big dressy dinners in the ballroom, I got my waiter to bring a girl I'd been making eyes with a note on a napkin that said "Do you like me? Check yes or no," with a rose folded in it.
I got back a note telling me to meet her outside when the first course came out. My room was nearby, and within minutes we were tearing each other's clothes off and meandering towards the shower. She ended up against the wall with her legs wrapped around my waist under the now-running shower. I tried to close the bathroom door, since the shower was soaking everything, and accidentally slammed it on her thumb. She screamed, but didn't stop. We finished and went back up to the dining room, where we got a standing ovation from the first few tables and the waiter who'd carried the notes. We were absurdly disheveled and both completely drenched and giggling. Her thumb was broken.
He had been trying to hook up with me the whole year we lived abroad in China, but I never gave in because he had a girlfriend back in the States. After a year of celibacy though, my sexual frustration was reaching the tipping point.
We were with a large group at an obnoxious expat club, like every other Saturday night. He came up to me on the dance floor, aggressively kissing my neck and grabbing my breasts before dragging me outside of the club.
We ended up in a kiddy carnival. He had me bent over one of the rides (a flying car) for a while until we noticed the early morning light. We moved to a new location for more privacy, against a building shaded by some bushes. We thought we were in the clear for awhile, and I started to really enjoy myself, until I looked to my left. There, maybe four feet away from us, an old Chinese woman was going about her business, watering the bushes, completely unfazed.
Submit to our next round-up: Formative Porn Experiences. Did you brave the attic to steal your dad's old Playboys? Or stumble across a VHS copy of Basic Instinct? Whatever your first experience with smut was, we want to know about it. Send your best story (150-250 words) about your first experience with pornography, to email@example.com. We won't print your full name, so please don't skimp on the details, but please, no recaps or play-by-plays. We're looking for funny stories, not reviews of New Wave Hookers. (We've seen it, and it's great.)