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May 23, 2011
15 Fictional Characters We Want To Sleep With
Our readers think inappropriate thoughts about made-up people.
By Nerve Readers
Without a doubt, I'd throw down with Lewis Skolnik (Revenge of the Nerds). First, I'm a total sucker for nerds. Pretty is nice, but smart is sexy. Second, the man was good enough in bed (or in the Moon Bounce room, more accurately) to steal the cheerleader from the quarterback. And as he says, when Betty Childs questions how he got he so good, "'All Jocks ever think about is sports, all we ever think about is sex." — Jessica
Jack Donaghy and I are perfect for each other. I would hate him. I would be a challenge. I’d be a page like Kenneth and he’d resent his attraction to me, but give me deep-voiced compliments anyway. They would haunt my dreams until we starting hooking up in NBC broom closets. I’d become too needy and he’d leave me for Arianna Huffington. — Caitlin
Mystique from X-Men: sure, she's scaly and blue, but she's sexy, despite her texture, and she can become any hot swimsuit model I want. Then, she can shape-shift into Louis C.K. and make me laugh. Perfect. — John
Jackie Ames from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. She's tall, beautiful, motivated, and at least twice as good at basketball as I am — what else do you need? She also bears a striking resemblance to Tyra Banks. — David
Dominique Francon from The Fountainhead sounded like she was a babe. — Mike
Josef Kavalier from Kavalier & Clay. He’s a trained escape artist, and an innovative comic-book illustrator to boot. He survives so much and effectively channels his suffering into his art — which is no small feat. He doesn’t really care about impressing the likes of Salvador Dali, but rather he makes amazing art because he has to. The latter fact renders him both modest and charmingly ill-at-ease in social situations. He’s tall and lanky. Oh, and he’s from Prague, so he’s got a Czech accent too. — Julia
The Addams Family matriarch has always done a certain "thing" for me, be it the original incarnation played by Carolyn Jones or the more recent Angelica Houston version. I don't know if it's the neo-Bettie Page thing with the porcelain skin and the pitch-black hair, or the fact that she has a carnivorous plant, but man, Gomez is a lucky guy. — Alex
Paul Denton from The Rules of Attraction. He’s rich, sexually conflicted, and knows where to get Valium. But, when he’s alone in his hotel room, he still puts on George Michael’s “Faith” and has underwear dance parties. — Ian
Esmeralda Weatherwax, of Terry Pratchett's books. She is tough, proud, smart, cynical, and like eighty-years old. Needless to say, there are very few female characters out there like her! — Niki
Batman. From square-jawed after-school-cartoon Batman (which was the best cartoon ever) to Christian Bale, I love Batman, in pretty much any interpretation. Minus George Clooney. He was not Batman. He was an E.R. doctor in a cape. — Rachel
Rufio, Rufio, Ru – fi – OOOOO!!! — Liz
My heart is Holden Caulfield's. He wouldn’t mind that my nails are bitten down and that I’m an illogical checkers player. If Sally Hayes won’t, I'll run away with him to Vermont and live somewhere with a brook and all, in protest of making a lot of dough and reading newspapers and playing bridge all the time. We could both go out west and pretend to be deaf-mutes, to avoid all the phony conversation. I’d slip into the closet in which he played piano, to assure himself he wasn’t showing off. — Tess
Michael Alig in Party Monster. He's damaged, slender, nineteen, and just gay of center. Would that be creepy in real life? Yes. But that’s why it’s fictional. — Ben
Though I have a history of dating slender and slight pretty boys, I get woozy and weak when watching Detective Robert Goren on Law & Order: Criminal Intent, as played by the big and burly Vincent D'Onofrio. Even though he's overweight, graying and a good fifteen years my senior, Goren gets me with his keen insight and incredible intelligence. I've caught myself fantasizing about handcuffed police interrogations, Goren's head characteristically cocked to the side as he draws out the thoughts in my head I've never spoken before. — Katarina
I'd go with MST3K's Tom Servo. He’s funny, he lives far away, watches shitty movies, can't get me pregnant, and would definitely bother my parents more than my becoming a lesbian or dating outside of my race. Also, I'd assume that as a robot, he wouldn't have any strong feelings about me sleeping with the rest of the people/robots on his ship, so I wouldn't really have to be bogged down by commitment. — Jenny
Submit to our next project: Office Romances. We're looking for stories about flings, affairs, and relationships that happened in the work place. Tell us your funny, specific, and amazing story in 300-500 words. Send to submissions@nerve.com or click here for details.
Commentarium (121 Comments)
Definitely the Master from Doctor Who... and David Tennant as the Tenth Doctor... and Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who and Torchwood.... SO SEXY!!!!!!!!
Both Captain Jack and Captain John at the same time! Oh and why not throw in the Doctor, too.
Both ninth and tenth doctors for me, I'd do Jack but I don't yearn for it, and I could take or leave the Master.
Definitely Captain Jack and the Tenth Doctor ... at the same time (you know Captain Jack would be down for it)!
I actually am developing a thing for the 11th Doctor, so give me both him and the 10th incarnation and throw a bit of Harkness in on the side. Oh hell, why not let Amy in on it too?
i never see the calls for submissions for the 15 stories features, are they usually advertised on the right side of the site? is that where i should be looking?
Ian, I completely agree; Paul Denton is so sexy. Actually, can I have both Paul and Sean Bateman? Okay thanks.
um, you know that the role of Paul Denton was played by Ian Somerhalder? and that submission was submitted by someone named...Ian? I call Shenanigans!
Jackie Ames was played by a young Tyra Banks actually.
I thought the guy who said that knew it and was joking about the Tyra Banks resemblance.
Wait....that was actually Tyra Banks. Talk about egg on my face. Next you're going to tell me Rebecca Rmoijn can shape-shift.
Oh my god, I didn't know anybody else watched MST3K. I would probably do Mike and Joel too and make nerdy, obscure pop-culture wisecracks the whole time.
who doesn't watch MST3K? I don't wanna know 'em! yeah, i'd do the whole crew.
Even Cambot?
I'll put in a word for the heroines of two books, "The End of the Affair" by Graham Greene and "Breakheart Hill" by Thomas H. Cook.
Definitely agree with the first commenter - I would sleep with the Tenth doctor so fast it would...create some sort of time vortex? Paradox? Whatever, he's hot, funny, witty, protective, and a genius so I'm there.
Race Bannon from Johnny Quest.
Now it'd be Race, of course it was Johnny when I was younger.
Jack Sparrow- we would sail the seven seas having adventure !
WEATHERWAX!! Yes.
Uber yes!
Sir Stephen from the Story of O
:-O
Rupert Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
YES. Also Spike.
You know Giles is the shit. Joyce said so. Plus all that classic rock.
Michael Alig is real though. Party Monster is a based on a true story.
Hm, yeah, but I don't actually want to sleep with real 50-year-old in prison Michael Alig. I want to sleep with fictional 80s disco club kid Alig.
Oops, there goes my anonymity.
Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth Salander from the "Millennium series." I have a deep affection for crazy girls. ; )
How about Amy Pond from Doctor Who? Easily the best-looking companion on the 2005 series so far.
Crowley of Good Omens, by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. Sexiest demon ever.
Win.
HMMM so much choice....david tenant as the tenth doctor,ed westwick as chuck bass or ian sommerhalder as damon.something so sexy about their intelligence,devil may care attitude and charming smile .sigh
Jerri Blank from Strangers with Candy. Doggie-style. Hey, she likes "the pole AND the hole"!!
There are way too many. Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird is a big one. I have also had a crush on Ian Malcolm from "Jurassic Park" (in the book, not Jeff Goldblum) since childhood. That might be the weirdest one, unless its Ashitaka from "Princess Mononoke."
Me too on Atticus Finch!
Oh, and the hot teacher from "Never Been Kissed". Random I know, but c'mon, student-teacher fantasy, anyone?
Agent Dale Cooper on Twin Peaks.
Amen.
Hell yes.
Jessica Rabbit
Xenia Onatopp from Goldeneye...I think
Where is Tim Riggins???
Trent from Daria.
Jesus Christ.
I thought the point of this was fictional characters. Most of these are about the real actors that portray them. I get it though, a lot of them are attractive and lend a little to the character itself. My pick are all the women from the album Mer De Noms; each and every one of them sound like they would destroy me.
I solicited submissions for this on Facebook, and my friend Morgan said, "Does Ryan Gosling count?"
On the note of Trent from Daria, definitely Daria. Definite definitely Daria. I'd love to make her question herself and deeply care about a guy.
Rhett Butler, the ultimate ladies' man AND gentleman in one.
Yeah, he, together with Mr. Darcy, is my favorite!!
Thirty-seven comments in and *no one* has said, "Don Draper"? Lady, dude, straight, gay, bi, pre-op, what have you: anyone who says they wouldn't fuck Don Draper eight different ways needs a seratonin transfusion b/c they've lost all joy in life.
On that note, definitely Peggy Olson. I like 'em earnest.
Seymour or Enid (or both) from Ghost World.
I second the Seymour sentiment, if only because I'm dating someone sort of like him.
Jason Bourne
fred and george from harry potter... can u imagene the pranks them two whould play in bed?? not to mention all that red hair yummy!
YES PLEASE!! specifically george because yea. not the actors though, the fictional characters
Josh Lyman
Oh, also Bonanza Jellybean.
i agree wholeheartedly in regards to Josh Lyman. I would also let Sam Seborn throw a few awkward come-ons my way.
Too many of my friends saw Cowboy Bebop and were like, "EIN!" I mean, "SPIKE!"
The best part is that if you go to Japan, the guys actually look like that. No joke.
I've always wondered which was worse: having a crush on a cartoon character--Kim Possible, or the fact that she's still in cartoon high school?
Leela
I was reading the first part of the article, thinking about the character of my dreams, Holden Caulfield, and then I saw that he had been submitted. I feel less absurd now.
Gregory House. Easily.
No one--NO ONE--has said Snake Plissken? I side eye your fictional-character-based fantasies most vigorously, internet denizens, because that is one fictional character I can totally get behind. And in front. And below. And above.
George McFly.
Glad I'm not the only one who had a thing for Rufio - his hotness created very confusing feelings in 12-year-old me, and kickstarted my taste for men in makeup with funny-coloured hair. Now, my personal choice would be just about any non-alien love interest from a BioWare RPG - Zevran, Morrigan, Fenris, Miranda, Jack... all at the same time, preferably.
Wash, from Firefly...Funny, smart, much better at driving than I am (and a ginger to boot!)
Yay for Wash, and Inara!
Bones aka Crispin Russell III
javier bardem's character from 'vicky christina barcelona.' go away to a spanish island with a stranger b/c "life eees short and life eess boring"? fuck yes.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
I'd totally do Mercutio from Romeo and Juliet. I also agree with whoever said Jack Sparrow.
Jamie Fraser from the Outlander books...
nice
I was about to add Jaime, but you beat me to it. Also, I think despite his homely looks, I could definitely get down with Ian. The younger, not the older.
Eddie Blake. So much blood...so much fun.
I was seriously into Joe Hardy of the Hardy Boys as a 10 year old girl.
Optimus Prime, Worf, Westley from the princess bride, Charlie weasley from HP.
Lol. Damn the hardy boys will always make me feel inferior...
_
http://googledisappointsme.blogspot.com/
So glad to see Esme Weatherwax on the list - she's awesome!
My list would include Fox Mulder (high school crush) - but not David Duchovny, he seems like a douche
Ramona Flowers! Always always always Ramona Flowers. She has a mallet, travels through subspace and in general kicks ass. Portrayed beautifully in the movie too. As fictional as it gets.
Fox Mulder... it isn't just that David Duchovney is hotter than hell, it's the fact that he never goes chasing after sex, because he's got more important things to do, and that he faces situations that would make most people freak out with impenetrable calm intelligence. And, of course, the facial language in conversation with Dana, which always says something quite other from whatever they're talking about.
Wow, comments on Esme Weatherwax... you've got to hand it to Terry Pratchett... who else could create a sexy 80 year old virgin?
I would LOVE to be with Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I'd also sleep with Holden Caulfield. I think I have a thing for guys with psychological issues. Scott Pilgrim or George Michael Bluth are more. The list just goes on...
Dean Winchester all the way. That cocky attitude and sexy little smirk...I would jump his bones in a second.
AMEN!
Tsunade. 50ish, looks late 20ish. And whoa that bosom. She is the Hokage, a gambler, a drinker and damn powerful. She heals too. Cellular regeneration has its advantages in bed too. No more lack of tightness if I understand it right.
Since the entire question is so absurd...Jessica Rabbit.
Pris, the pleasure model replicant from Blade Runner. Wouldn't you just want to know?
Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, as portrayed by Colin Firth in BBC's production of Jane Austen's " Pride and Prejudice." Wow.
Mosst definitely
Of ones that haven't been mentioned- Miles Edgeworth (it takes a real man to wear that many frills), human Greebo, Jareth from Labyrinth (I mean, David Bowie is win anyway, but with that hair and those trousers? Yes please), Westley from The Princess Bride (after he gets kidnapped by pirates and grows the cool moustache and gets all badass), and many others that I can't remember at the moment.
How the heck has Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly not been mentioned? He's one of the best characters ever!
I would have to say Albert Wesker of the Resident Evil video games and movies. He's so evil and sexy.. I mean, I don't usually go for the assholes, but his cruelty would be amazing in bed....
Jean-Luc Picard. What wonderful conversations we could have
CHRIS REDFIELD FROM THE RESIDENT EVIL GAMES.
Mogen from Samurai Champloo, CANT believe nobody said it!!!
Nelson Muntz. He's got that bad bad-boy-with-a-sensitive-side thing going on. Plus a sense of humor. HA ha.
Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager. Assimilate ME, baby!
*drrrrrrooooooooooolllllllllllssssssss........*
Mr. Big from SATC, Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights, The Phantom of the Opera (with the mask on of course), Zorro...
Drizzt. The 10th Doctor. Elbryan Wyndon. Tanis Halfelven.
What about Mr. Darcy? What is wrong with you people?!?!?!
Dagny Taggart from Atlas Shrugged sexy and smart, what else could you want.
Jessica Rabbit..enought said
Ok i know i spelled enough wrong..it was a TYPO
Major Richard Sharpe
Ron Weasley.
Madmartigan from Willow.
Rhett Butler. In the back of a carriage with a big big hoop skirt dress on and him with his white suit on!
Lex Luthor out of smallville. Even though he is bald, he is FIT!
I thought I was the only one with a love for Det. Goren. I watched every episode of Criminal Intent over spring break last year. It was the highlight of my grad school experience.
hoooooooooooooooooo
hoooooooooooooooooo
Alpha from Dollhouse.
And I've always had this thing for Pippin from LOTR.
Oooh, and definitely Future Luke/Clive from the game Professor Layton and the Unwound Future.
I just keep thinking of more. ｜D
Kar, from the book The Sight, if he was human. I loved him.
And Adrian Ivashkov from the 'Vampire Academy' series. He was my favorite character by far!
I promise this is the last one.
Ky Markham from the book Matched.
hmmm...lemme start by stating that I am predominantly gay in orientation...however there are many fictional women that I find appealing and strong enough...and as an equal to mate with...
Kahlan Amnell from Sword of truth....Selene in the underworlds movies...Erin Suun(claudia black's char. from Farscape), Nynevea and Faile from Wheel of Time...Marg Helgenbergers Char from CSI, Benson from SVU...probs a bit more
As for the hombres...
Perrin from Wheel of Time, Det. Stabler from SVU (Christopher meloni), about all of the typically good looking guys from True Blood...Edward Cullen (even though I like darker skin tones....he's not hairless and waxed like the Jacob...and having read the book voraciously...I never could choose "team jacob" knowing he was going to imprint eventually...also...probs vastly more...
Hm... Well, to start off with, Aragorn from LOTR because he's a total badass... Captain Jack (For obvious reasons... Kelsier the Mistborn trilogy... I absolutely adore the ninth and ten Doctors but I'd probably throw in eleven instead... Hikaru & Kaoru from Ouran Highschool Host Club... And, last but certainly not least, Reaver from Fable (2 or 3, doesn't matter.)
Loki