Love & Sex

15 Stories: Meeting the Parents

Pin it

                 “My parents are in town, sweetheart. I think we should grab a drink.”

I was watching a movie over at my girlfriend’s house, and she fell asleep on the couch. I was in a chair. Nothing was going on; it was completely innocent. But then her Dad, whom I’d never met, came home, flung open the door, and shouted, “What the hell is going on in here?” For a minute, I sat there, scared shitless — until my girlfriend woke up and said, “Oh, he’s just fucking with you.” Later, both of her parents came down and said hello. They were quite nice. — Brandon

My parents left to go see a movie one night, so I had my boyfriend come over while they were out. My parents had never met my boyfriend before, and I had no plans to introduce them at that time. So my boyfriend came over and we started messing around in the kitchen. I started to give him a blowjob in front of the refrigerator, when all of a sudden my boyfriend pushed my head away and frantically started pulling for his jeans. Apparently the movie my parents wanted to go see was sold out, so they had stopped by a Blockbuster and rented some movies instead. My parents then sat us down on the couch in the living room to tell us the “rules” of the house, none of which allowed BJs in the kitchen. — Kelly

When my boyfriend introduced me to his parents, he was also coming out. So, high stakes. I was terrified we’d end up re-enacting a scene from Le Cage Aux Folles and swore that I’d come off as confident and not overly gay. I was especially nervous about his dad, with whom I kept trying, and failing, to start a conversation. Finally, mid-meal, I said, “This fish is really good.” “What?” he shouted. I repeated myself. He still didn’t hear. My boyfriend’s mother, taking pity on me, grabbed her husband’s arm and said, “He said, ‘The fish is fabulous. It’s de-lish!” There they were, the queeny words I’d vowed not to say. His dad didn’t respond, but just gave me a bewildered stare. I stared at my plate. — Ben 

I was at a house party with my boyfriend and had too much to drink. My boyfriend decided to bring me home to his parents’ house to sleep it off. He had forgotten his key, though, so we had to ring the doorbell to be let in. Right as his mom opened the door, I threw up all over her feet. That was our introduction. — Madie

My girlfriend was moving. I’d planned to come by and help her pack, and then take off before her parents came. But they arrived early. After I helped her father carry the heavier items to his truck, he insisted that I come with them to their house, an hour away, and eat dinner. Of course, he also insisted I ride with him instead of in my girlfriend’s car. We arrived, and I was promptly escorted to the keg he kept in his garage. Six-odd beers later I was encouraged to play catch with his son — a baseball player. The first pitch caught me in the face at fifty m.p.h. — Shawn 

For years, my parents and I had joked about meeting my first boyfriend. When I found myself with a guy, we put our plans into action. My dad placed a baseball bat, an axe, and a rifle in strategic locations around the living room. When my boyfriend arrived, my dad sat him down on the couch and had him fill out an application. My mother and I laughed quietly in the kitchen. He was a good sport and answered the questions to my father’s satisfaction. Then we had a lovely dinner. He left with my parents’ blessing. — Alanna

It was six weeks into my relationship. I went over to my girlfriend’s parents’ house after Thanksgiving dinner, and joined a group of people who were talking with her dad, who’d had a few drinks. He was in the middle of a story, so I sat there, smiling and laughing at the appropriate parts. Abruptly, he stopped mid-sentence, turns, and says, “Who is this kid? I don’t like him. He’s just all smiles and no words. I don’t like him at all.” I just kind of got this stupefied look on my face and backed out of the group. Later in the night, he walked into a room where I was hanging out with his daughter. He looked at her without acknowledging me and said, “Oh, he’s still here. I don’t like him.” And then walked out. The next morning he claimed to her that he really liked me and had no memory of confronting me. — Mike

I was dating a girl named Dani in high school, and the first thing she said to me before I met her parents was, “My dad’s kind of sensitive about his height, so don’t like, wear boots or anything when you meet him.” Naturally, when I went to meet him, I wore Chuck Taylors, because this guy was short. Like, 5’4″. I’m 5’8″, not exactly Shaq, but also tall enough to have him lose the dad-intimidation factor. That is, until he said, “I’m Tom,” and I said, “Hi, I’m Short.” Might have been able to play it off by telling him my middle name was “Round” and that my parents were big fans of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, but I didn’t react swiftly enough. Needless to say, not a lot of dinners at Dani’s house were in my immediate future. — Alex

I’d been dating this guy casually, but he obviously wasn’t into it anymore — not returning calls or texts — and it sucked, because I really liked him. One night I went to a mutual friend’s art showing, knowing he’d be there. I gave him this whole “I’m too good for you” speech, very impassioned. When I’d finished, without missing a beat, he grabbed two sophisticated and well-dressed individuals at his side, and introduced me to his mom and step-dad. — Jessica

The first time I met my boyfriend’s mother and sister, my boyfriend wasn’t even there — he was at work. I was really nervous, especially because the restaurant was my pick and they gave us the worst table — we were practically inside the bathroom. Luckily, we bonded over the one thing that brings all humans, regardless of class or creed, together: rosemary fries. I think we talked about rosemary fries for a good hour. The restaurant is now out of business, but we’re good friends. — Cait

My boyfriend was moving into a new apartment and had asked me to help him decorate. I had big plans to take him throw-pillow shopping when he called to say his dad was in town with nothing to do, and would I mind bringing him along? So the first time I met my boyfriend’s dad was dragging him around Crate and Barrel. FYI — men, regardless of their age, suck at throw-pillow shopping. — Carly

Once, my girlfriend and I took a road trip out to Chicago to spend the afternoon checking out art museums. My girlfriend is originally from the area, so before we left to go home to Wisconsin she informed me that her parents had invited us for an early dinner at their house. It was such a spur of the moment thing that to decline the offer would have been rude. On the drive over, I nearly had a panic attack: all I knew about her parents up until that point were that her Mom had a Xanax prescription and that her Dad possibly had Mafia ties. Of course, they turned out to be charming — her Dad was very jovial over a meal of beef steaks and french fries, and afterwards her Mom gave me a tour of their giant collection of Pez dispensers in the basement. — Austin

I wanted to take this girl to my high-school semi-formal. I was a freshman, this innocent little fourteen-year-old — I’d never even kissed a girl before. In order to take her to the dance, I had to go over to her family’s house for dinner. After dinner, her father pulled out a binder, told everyone else to leave, and then grilled me on religion and sex for about half an hour. He made sure I was Christian, told me I shouldn’t make friends with people of other religions, because we wouldn’t have enough in common to sustain a relationship, and then told me that his rule regarding his daughter was “hands and lips off.” After the dance, her father and and her whole family drove me home in their van. In total silence. Hands and lips off. — Billy 

Seth, my current husband, first spoke to my dad when he called him to ask my dad to bail him out of jail. Seth ended up getting someone else to bail him out, but that was my dad’s first impression of him. When they finally met in person, my dad caught Seth staring at my boobs, and glared. Seth saw that he’d been caught, but instead of looking away, just stuttered out a question about a design on my dress. They are very good friends now. — Kristen

I’d actually known my girlfriend’s parents for my entire life — they were friends of my parents. But it wasn’t until I the second I started dating her that I “met” them. Everything changed. I started to act weird around them, and they reciprocated. There’s something about shaking hands with a man who’s daughter you’re routinely sleeping with. What had previously been a friendly relationship turned into stony silence every time I saw them. And it didn’t get better when we broke up. — Dan