Bad Sex: Bigger is Better

For her, size really did matter.

By Ssagala Ndugwa

The date was going well until she told me how big her first had been.

The actual word she used almost made me choke on my pasta primavera. "Gi-noooor-mous," she said, facing her palms towards each other in a gesture usually used by self-aggrandizing fishermen. "It was really painful the first time, but I got used to it after a while. I had to."

As a general rule of thumb, one should never discuss the size of an ex-lover's penis on a first date. Actually, one should never discuss the size of an ex-lover's penis ever, unless it's to say how puny and unsatisfactory one found it. It is a matter of basic decency, for a man's ego is a fragile thing. I thought every woman knew this, the same way all men know not to bring up an ex's giant breasts. I didn't know what to say. How do you defend your penis' dignity without sounding like an insufferable brag? Or worse, an insecure brag?

"I thought that was how big all guys were," she continued, pushing her food around her plate. "I thought that was, like, normal. Plus he was into all this kinky stuff. He had me doing all kinds of crazy things 'cause I didn't know any better. I guess that's why I'm so free sexually. If I like you, I'm open to almost anything."

"Well, if we ever get together I am sure I will not disappoint," I stammered. Sheesh.

I wondered whether I should follow her down this rabbit hole. Was she flirting with me or challenging me? I could not tell. I remembered that thing teenage girls tell teenage boys about women deciding whether they'll sleep with you within ten seconds of your first meeting, and tried to recall if I'd been that impressive in the first ten seconds after we'd met. It was doubtful. Had I written something appealing in the two e-mails we had exchanged before our date? Nope, they were all business: let's meet here, at this time, I am looking forward to it, that sort of thing. As far as I could tell, I'd done very little to warrant this level of candor.

"Well, if we ever get together I am sure I will not disappoint," I stammered. Sheesh.

"Play your cards right and I may give you a chance," she replied.

Now that is how you flirt.
 


We had met a week earlier at a dinner party. One of those dinner parties that starts off with the best intentions — a group of recently graduated twenty-somethings get together to share a meal, discuss politics and religion and who got voted off what this week — and soon descends into a puerile game of spin-the-bottle once wine-sipping turns into vodka-guzzling.

She spun and got me twice; I got her once.

She called it destiny and told me not to fight it. Our last kiss lingered longer than it should have, and might have gone on indefinitely had there not been catcalls and whistling from the rest of the circle. At the end of the night, as I walked her to her car, she quite matter-of-factly said that since I had already reached first base, the least I could do was buy her dinner.

"Next week, Saturday, I'll be free," she said. "E-mail me."

Before she drove off she leaned out of the window and demanded another kiss.

"Mmmmmm," she said, "You taste like a new day."

A new day. It was like she was reading from a script. All I could manage in reply was an uneasy chuckle. She was as self-assured as I was self-conscious; uninhibited and outgoing. I was intoxicated. And way out of my league.

Commentarium (23 Comments)

Sep 10 10 - 12:16am
88

great final line

Sep 10 10 - 1:25am
CodeNameDuchess

That was a classy gal.

Sep 10 10 - 1:42am
Pfunk

Who knew Lisa Lampanelli barked like a dog?

Sep 10 10 - 2:03am
jr

Needs Kegels

Sep 10 10 - 9:49am
LoveHandle

My guy friends tell me that ex-boyfriend TMI is really common on first dates. Do not talk about exes on first dates! Never ever! It never leads to anything good.

Sep 10 10 - 9:58am
Joe

Bravo, writer. I've never seen such a well-written article on penis-angst.

Sep 10 10 - 1:02pm
wc?

It just goes to show you that even with all your insecurities, size has nothing to do with it. Some folks are just "weird" at sex. Exhibit A: Yipping like a small dog.

Sep 10 10 - 1:20pm
jamie

fun romp of a read, though I believe the paraphrased quote is attributed to Twain, not Lincoln

Sep 10 10 - 2:13pm
theoomoom

Isn't this an old piece... are you re-printing stories now?

Sep 10 10 - 5:06pm
rm

yeah, i've definetly read this piece before.

Sep 10 10 - 10:22pm
S

Nerve has been reprinting stories so long this might be on its umpteenth go-round. Still rings truer than most though.

Sep 10 10 - 11:28pm
lc

i still liked it

Sep 10 10 - 11:28pm
lc

i still liked it

Sep 10 10 - 11:28pm
lc

i still liked it

Sep 11 10 - 7:56am
jg

April 6, 2009!!!!!

Sep 11 10 - 2:34pm
ta

@pfunk- good one

Sep 12 10 - 5:48pm
Shannon

Good on you. You had no reason to feel inadequate.

Sep 16 10 - 1:15pm
awesome!

as

Sep 18 10 - 8:54am
Anonymous Coward

You are a fantastic writer. Great comedic timing, and wonderful job.

Feb 05 11 - 2:02pm
vincent7520

good
funny
well written
shows how american men (an women) are so hung up with sexual performances…
that's why the ending is good

Feb 11 11 - 9:42am
my2cents

I had a couple of similar situations. I was 40, and handed this skinny 21 year old dishwater blonde my number and said, "Here call me if you like." The next day she called, and that night she was walking up my steps in white short shorts. After dinner, she made the first move and in no time things seemed to be on the right track. So the weird part came when I realized that my condoms were still packed away somewhere since I had recently moved. I said, "There are other things we can do", and she replied "I don't want to get that intimate with you." (Not flattering.) I wasn't sure if that meant I wasn't allowed to go down on her or not. So I decided to go exploring for condoms. I found one. Back in bed, we are a touching each other again and she says, "What's wrong you're not hard." We had had a total of maybe 5 minutes of making out. I said, "Well, it will be fine I just need a little more time." I was semi-hard, just not hard-hard. She said, "I've never been with a guy who wasn't hard by the time we got our clothes off." (She had revealed her sexual history to me, and up until that time had only had sex with young guys in cars or on a couch. She had one relationship for a while with a guy who was about 30, but was it.) So she had never had to help a guy out getting hard. I think almost every woman I'd been with in my life enjoyed that process and it seems like I couldn't remember the last time extensive mutual head-giving wasn't normal formal play. Oh, well. But she was a trooper and started jacking my cock and talking dirty to me telling me how much she wanted me to fuck her, and how she wanted to see my big dick all hard and ready. Maybe she was just barking orders, but I took it as foreplay. It did the trick, soon I was up and at it. Once we got started, I decided pay back was in order, so I literally wore her out. We went at it for over an hour, and I could tell she was not used to that. I never saw her again though. We just didn't click.

Another girl I dated about 2 weeks also didn't give head. She was good with her hand, and was open-minded about doing whatever I wanted to turn me on (except give head). She liked to be on top, and ride me for about 10 minutes, and cum about 6 times during that time. She was very mechanical, and didn't have a lot of patience for long "lovemaking sessions". I would be on top of her 10 or 15 minutes into doing her, and she might say, "This is not working for me, let me get on top." Eventually we just stopped calling each other.

Jun 10 11 - 5:56am
Yet another chap

You sir, are bloody fantaastic

Dec 05 11 - 2:13am
Jack

Cool