Dear Neighbor, You Are Not Invited to
My Party

A furiously passive-aggressive exchange by comedian and jackass, David Thorne.

By David Thorne

A few weeks ago, a guy moved into the apartment across from me. I know little about him apart from the fact that he owns cane furniture; I saw the delivery guys carry it up. I bumped into him on the stairs once, and he said hello, but I cannot be friends with someone that owns cane furniture, so I pretended I had a turtle to feed or something. Last week when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbor had left me a note stating that he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud. The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn’t invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons, and that I couldn’t come. If I were writing a note to my neighbors saying that I was going to have a party but none of them could come, I would not add photos of ecstasy tablets, beer, and gratuitous shots of Lucius going down on men to show them what they are missing out on. I would make it clean and simple, possibly even somber, so they didn’t think, “You prick.”

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11:04 a.m.
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be for a child’s party—what with it being vibrant and having balloons—but I realize you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3:48 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David

Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like. Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5:41 p.m.
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,

Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don’t tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway, and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you, and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party, and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10:01 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David

As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.

Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2:36 p.m.
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,

I can appreciate that. Our apartments are not very large, are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house, so I have to jog on the spot, taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party, you are quite welcome to—if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow.

I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints, so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well, so I really didn’t have any choice, because he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just me, Ross, and Simon. Simon’s girlfriend, Cathy, has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David

Commentarium (30 Comments)

Apr 28 11 - 2:57am

Hilarious! I actually chuckled out loud!

May 28 11 - 8:36pm

I broke a freaking rib laughing! I love this guy!

Apr 28 11 - 6:51am

Love it!probably shouldn't have been reading it on the bus....people kept shooting me dirty looks...=]

Apr 28 11 - 8:27am

I'm just gonna go ahead and plug which is the portal of hilarity that this emitted from.

Apr 28 11 - 9:28am

It's actually from his new book -- but you guys should go to there ( and buy it. Perhaps the funniest thing I've read in recent memory.

Apr 28 11 - 6:10pm

thank you, i knew i had already read this somewhere else but couldn't put my finger on it.

Apr 28 11 - 9:07am

awesome of awesome by awesome

Apr 28 11 - 9:44am

I have a sense of humor but this just seems kind of douchy actually. jeez, just appreciate that your neighbor let you know he was planning on having a party, i think that's very courteous. Who cares about superficial shit like cane furniture and balloons on the note?

Apr 28 11 - 10:16am

True. But I think it proves Woody Allen's favourite mantra: '' Tragedy + Time= Comedy''!

Apr 28 11 - 11:00am

I agree, kind of douchey.

Apr 28 11 - 12:21pm

but it is funny.

Apr 28 11 - 12:21pm

Douchey? Maybe... Hilarious? Definitely

Apr 28 11 - 1:35pm

people who end everything with 'cheers' are douchey...this is hilarious

Apr 28 11 - 2:51pm

Actually, you don't have a sense of humor.

May 28 11 - 8:38pm

@baa - no guff! The guy has no sense of humour at all! This is creative passive-aggressive dry humour at it's best. Amazed me that the guy in the other apartment didn't realize he was being baited...

Apr 28 11 - 3:56pm

why did i find this under love and sex?

May 03 11 - 3:11am

Cuz its by Dan Savage and he is a L&S columnist

Apr 28 11 - 3:57pm

The thing is, Thorne makes most of his stuff up. He actually writes both side of the email exchanges. On top of that, his persona is to be a total "I'm smarter than everyone" asshole.

Apr 28 11 - 5:49pm

Oh, Hi Scott.

Apr 28 11 - 6:37pm

Firstly, @Belinda : you just made my day. Shine on, you fantastic being, you.
For the uninitiated :
27b/6 is why I love the internet. I mean, except for the porn. That's pretty nice, too.

Apr 30 11 - 4:21pm

Ha. Thanks MP. Scott also stars in the article which is hilarious.

Apr 28 11 - 4:41pm

Hilarious! loved it

Apr 28 11 - 6:36pm
Utterly classic

Totally hilarious, thanks!

Apr 28 11 - 8:14pm

Oh my Gods I laughed out loud during the whole thing and had tears in my eyes by the end...I was in a crowded coffee shop and didn't care- actually shared it- everyone LOL'd!

Apr 29 11 - 12:20am
long time lover
You must...

Apr 29 11 - 6:35am

Is this the David Thorne that takes peoples money and then ingores their e-mails?

May 04 11 - 1:46pm

He takes people's money and sends no book in return. He then ignores people's emails, and if they complain on a public place such as reddit, he posts their private information in retaliation! A charming individual all round.

May 05 11 - 2:15am

He also hacked the playstation network, kicks puppies, pops kids balloons, and farts in crowded elevators. Oh yeah and he writes funny shat. Cheers mate. Love, Matthew

May 06 11 - 12:16pm

Get a life, have your own party, don't get so bent out of shape because he didn't give your hungry greedy butt an invite- go to a movie, take a bath or something! Learn to enjoy your own company.

May 09 11 - 1:56am

Wow, David Thorne is fucking prick.