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March 8, 2011
Fifteen Ineffective Pick-up Attempts
Our readers sent in stories of romantic overtures gone wrong. We picked our favorites.
By Nerve Readers
I was flirting with a business guy at the bar where I cocktail, because that's what cocktail waitresses do. When he left, he made a big deal of handing me his signed receipt. I thought he had left me a big tip. Instead there was a name, phone number, and the phrase “I want to play with your tits” written — bafflingly — in Spanish. — Kelly
I was at a big warehouse party and approached a young gentleman waiting outside the bathroom. “Are you in line?” I asked. He said no. When I came back out of the bathroom, he was still waiting. “You’re still here.” I said. He nodded forward, a bit drunk, and shouted, “I was going to follow you in, but I figured it would be rude to all these people waiting in line,” just as the song dropped off. Everyone in earshot laughed.
— Ben
My coupled friends are always trying to get me laid, either out of affection or just to get me to shut up about being sexually frustrated. I went with friends — a married couple — to a restaurant and the three of us flirted with the waitress shamelessly. Then at the end of the night, they wrote my name and phone number on the twenty we used to tip her. When they told me (after we'd already left) I said, "You guys are adorable, and also it's clearly been a long time since you've been single." — Peter
One day, a giant bouquet of roses arrived at the restaurant where I work. My boss said they were for me; I ran over, practically glowing. Until I saw they were from Timmy — an unattractive, older regular. Not only was it less than flattering, Timmy was also notorious for bringing crazy gifts for his favorite waitresses — Chanel boots, Prada heels and so forth. One of my coworkers had hawked his gifts on eBay to pay her rent. No such luck for me — it was the day after Valentine’s Day, when leftover roses sell for fire-sale prices. — Lina
Once, before my English was very good (I’m Hungarian), I went up to a girl I’d never met, handed her a single red rose and said “You are so very attractive." She left, nearly at a run. — Andrija
In the West Village, in bridge-and-tunnel central, I passed a group of three guys, all wearing identical short-sleeved, button-down collared shirts — made of mesh. As I passed, one shouted “Schwing!” — Rachel
I was sitting at a bar a few Saturdays ago, when a man came up behind me and asked me to dance. After I politely declined the offer, he attempted to keep my attention by asking if I'd like to see a magic trick. He then pulled two coins out of his pocket, waved his hands around, and somehow made them disappear before asking me to dance again. I appreciated the perseverance but magic tricks are a dealbreaker. — Caroline
A guy once said to my (female) friend, “My friend is hung like an elephant — I know because I've jerked him off. Just saying, in case you're interested." — Rachel
When I lived in Argentina, a woman bumped into me — causing me to spill my drink all over my shirt — and then admitted she’d done it on purpose to start a conversation. Her rationale was that it was an open-bar party, so I could get another one if I wanted. I was, however, still covered in whiskey. — Dan
I once drove from Philadelphia to Yale, snuck into the dorms, went to an outside balcony, and put a box of mac and cheese on a fishing pole and dangled it through the window of a girl I liked. She was pretty weirded out, I think. We actually ended up dating, but not ‘til years later. — Charlie
In college, an upperclassman tricked me into attending his fraternity formal as his date. He pretended he was inviting me to a fancy party on the Circle Line Cruise around Chicago and that all my friends could come. My friends could not come. He was a liar and it was a trap-date. I vomited on his shoes that night though, so in the end, the joke was on him. — Megan
I had an older woman patient in the emergency room, and was in the middle of explaining her treatment plan to her adult son — when he handed me a piece of paper with his phone number on it. I left it stapled to the front of her chart. Don’t try to pick someone up when your mother is sick in the ER. — Teri
A few weeks ago, this guy approached me and said, "Damn girl, you make my dick swell up like a pregnant lady's ankles." It didn't work out so well for him. — Jamay
I was on a photo shoot for work at a local restaurant. While I was talking to the manager, he told me he knew me from somewhere. After asking me where I went to school, what bars I frequent, etc., he then said, "I know! I'm pretty sure I had a dream about you the other night." — Katrina
"Oh, you're so tiny and cute! I just wanna take you home and lock you up in a cupboard!" — Shannon
Commentarium (69 Comments)
The magic trick was lame but I'd give him a chance and dance with him.
Magic tricks are horrible! I had a male roommate in college that used to read books on how to pick up on women. There was an entire section dedicated to magic tricks. Let's just say Jake was lame and so is anyone who tries to use magic tricks. Makes you wonder why can't they just be themselves, oh yeah! It's cause their true self sucks!
This is the truth. Any guy who uses a magic trick as an ice breaker has probably been reading about pick up artistry. Expect it to be followed shortly after by negative compliments (negging) and a social reject's interpretation on what it means to be "cocky-funny." Know that he's already assigned you a "hot babe" number from HB0-10 and will likely be a clueless lover.
I might not be a girl and I am also a heterosexual, but I would dance with any man who would show me a magic trick. I fucking love magic tricks.
Well, I am a heterosexual girl and I really do love magic tricks. Of course, the person doing said magic trick also has to genuinely love magic tricks otherwise big fail.
OH THANK GOD someone else has read that idiot "Doc Love" on askmen.com and thinks he's a fucking nutbag.
I had a friend once who reported on the success of magic tricks to get a girl's attention, but he was seriously into magic as a hobby, so he had a lot of things he could do, not just a couple of cheesy pick-up tricks.
You gotta wonder -- how many times does that guy say the "ankles" line before it works?
I wondered the same thing the other day when I noticed a guy walking around a train station at rush hour asking every single woman, "Hey, how about a blowjob?"
Hey, I'd say, "Well, you got a condom? I'll meet you in the bathroom."
when i was in college, i actually got the "nice shoes, wanna fuck?" -- not intended as a joke. A serious interrogative. Weird
that ankle line is kinda hilarious. Sounds akin to a Tracy Jordan-ism
It really does sound like something he would say. In an interview with him a few years ago, I remember him speaking emphatically about how sexy a woman's knee caps are.
I have a strong suspicion that 75% of these moves would have worked had the writer found the deliverer attractive.
Haha - I think that's true too. It's amazing how a whether a line is "cute" or "creepy" correlates directly with the hotness of the picker-upper
"It's not sexual harassment if you're good-looking!"
Last week's episode of House?
A fair few of them might well have worked had the recipient been a little more drunk.
"It's amazing how a whether a line is "cute" or "creepy" correlates directly with the hotness of the picker-upper"
If by "amazing" you mean "incredibly depressing evidence of the depths of human hypocrisy", then I agree. It'd be nice if people could distinguish between genuinely creepy behavior and "it offends me that this person thinks he/she could have a chance with me", but that'll be a long wait, I think.
I'm not sure it's hypocritical to be attracted to people you're attracted to, but I do agree that "creepy" gets thrown around too much.
Not hypocritical to be attracted to whomever you're attracted to, but hypocritical to judge the morality/appropriateness of people's behavior based on their attractiveness. Or, at least, hypocritical to do so and not admit to it.
I remember a girl I knew who used to constantly complain about how "creepy guys" were always hitting on her and how that was damning evidence of sexism, objectification, the male gaze, blah blah blah. A mutual friend finally lost patience with her one day and let her have it, in the course of which she admitted that 75% of her definition of "creepy" basically boiled down to "not hot, therefore unwanted, therefore creepy". I think a lot of women do that (and yeah, I do mean women specifically, because male hypocrisies about attractiveness are usually of a different sort).
@. LAC. Well, doesn't it make a bit of make a little sense that 'unwanted' connects to 'creepy?'. I mean, when a stranger approaches you and tries to make you accept something you're not interested in, whether it's a flyer, a raw fish, or a date, iand they don't take your hint of 'no' as their cue to leave you alone... isn't that creepy, no matter what gender the parties involved might be? Give women a break, eh?
Well, of course -- who ISN'T creeped out by someone who won't take no for an answer? But there's a difference between that, and branding all attention from the opposite sex "creepy" unless it's coming from someone whom you find attractive. That sort of thing is borderline tolerable in teenage girls, but in a grown woman it's just kinda pathetic.
I also think the idea of "reading cues" gets conflated with...I don't know the right word for it, but basically the unvoiced feeling that unattractive people are supposed to realize that they shouldn't even be asking in the first place. One might argue that unattractive people are unattractive in part because they often can't read those cues, but that's definitely not the whole truth: some women just get flat-out OFFENDED when an ugly guy asks them out, and it doesn't really matter how he does it.
Ted Kennedy vs Bob Packwood
Andrija's story is so cute! What is the deal with Charlie mac and cheese, though? I would be a tad weirded out as well, but if things worked out for them, then no harm there. They can think back to the story and laugh.
I would never say anything like any of these lines to anyone, period.
I like how the Hungarian guy with the single rose realizes in retrospect how truly bad his attempt was.
Oh man, I would have been all over that Mac and Cheese guy. Cheesy gets you nowhere, but dear God cheese gets you everywhere.
OK, I think I just coughed up a lung laughing at this reply. Why? Because as I read the Mac and Cheese story, I thought to myself "Marisa would TOTALLY have gone for the mac and cheese on a fishing line! Why didn't *I* think of that?" My partner's name is Marisa. And then I scrolled down and looked at the name on this comment. I don't think it's her writing the comment - maybe there is a tendency of Marisas to be easy Mac and Cheese targets.
Ha! Tell your Marisa not to wander into any empty boxes leaning on sticks with a bowl of Mac and Cheese inside. It is NOT a Mac and Cheese shrine, it. is. a. TRAP.
i liked the mac & cheese approach.
Was walking through a bar in Philly when a girl emphatically screamed "I do!" at me. Only slightly more curious than alarmed, I asked what she was talking about. She yelled "I thought you asked me to marry you!" I clarified, "no, I actually didn't say anything." She laughed triumphantly and asked my name, then responded "OMG that's perfect! My last boyfriend was also named Garrett and he was an asshole!" then presumably waited for me to ask her to dance.
One time, this guy and I were trying to get together for drinks, but our schedules were crazy and we couldn't make it happen. Finally, I texted him saying, "okay, I just got out of work early, let's get a drink tonight?" to which he replied "Sorry, can't hang tonight. I'm chasing down some tail in my neighborhood". Then he texted me again, saying "Sorry, that text wasn't for you. Yes, let's get drinks tonight".
I still went out with him.
that's kind of hilarious. if he was cool, what the hell, at least he's honest.
I would have totally fallen for that.
I disagree with #7...about using MAGIC tricks...
Magic works awesome to spark attraction with women...but you have to put a little "game in your magic"...not just magic in your game.
Check out this video about using magic with women...done right...it's highly effective...done wrong..and yeah, you're right, dealbreaker.
http://www.pumaskills.com/bootcamp/1-intro-2
"ILLUSION, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money..."
HA! Nice reference.
THANK GOD AGAIN someone who loves arrested development!
arrested development FTW!
God it amazes me how many people dont know about this show!
This isn't a pickup attempt, but a male friend invited me to sit on the empty barstool next to him by saying "Don't fart on my jacket." (His jacket was on top of the stool.) Really? Everyone knows girls don't fart. He was then kind enough to buy me a drink, which I appreciated, until I spotted him taking big swigs out of it.
@LinaCanney
Your story is the best story by far!!
Fresh year of college, a hallmate was infatuated with some dude I knew. She was told by a friend of his, "The way to get to his heart is through beer." So decided to have a 6-pack of Rolling Rock delivered to him one at a time, and she would bring the last one, wearing some sexy clothing. Because I knew him, I had to deliver the first. I warned him what was coming. He said, "Thanks for the beer, but I'm creeped out." He might have even left and gone to the library after that.
I was depressed and recently dumped, so I decided to do something impulsive and walked up to a stranger at a bar and kissed him on the mouth. It was awesome for a moment, then he followed me back to where my friends were standing and immediately asked me if I was into scarification. I told him I didn't know what that meant; he showed me what it meant by pulling his shirt up and showing a patchwork of self-inflicted scars on his chest. He then creepily followed us down an alley with his shirt off begging us to look at his scars. This is the cautionary tale I will tell my little girls to keep them away from strange men. Totally brought that on myself.
Here's another ineffective way to pickup women: Be a nice guy
Truer words have never been spoken.
Sadly, doesn't work.
I gave my number to a nice guy at a bar this weekend. We have a date tonight. You just have to be genuinely nice and have confidence.
"You just have to be genuinely hot and have money."
Fixed it for you. Sorry, but I'm very cynical in this regard. All my female friends tell me I'm the sweetest and nicest guy they've ever met and I'm like a brother etc. and so forth. When the fact of my life-long singleness comes up, they all point out there is no way in hell they would date me. Oh, but they would all totally love a chance with my pothead, burn-out of a brother, because he's hot.
Maybe you're boring in addition to being broke and unattractive? Personality will definitely get you somewhere. I know plenty of not rich ugly dudes with more attractive women.
Swing and a miss. Most of my friends consider me their funniest and most interesting friend. Should've probably mentioned that in the previous post. As for the reason my female friends would never date me, the three I felt close enough to to ask told me: one said she couldn't live with somebody who's not interested in money and doesn't want lots of stuff, and the other two flat-out told me I'm too unattractive.
"Most of my friends consider me their funniest and most interesting friend. "
Maybe your ego is just too big for them to be in a relationship with you.
Clearly you don't understand what ego means. I don't 'think' that's their opinion of me. They've told me that's their opinion of me uncoerced (meaning I didn't ask and wasn't fishing for compliments). If anything, I have low self-esteem from a lifetime of getting turned down with an "eww".
And still miss the pothead. Eventually the bad boy thing wears offf. But just hit the gym. If you have a hot bod you will get women even if your face is "eh". Unless youre not a nice guy and genuinely creepy then youre SOL.
It's the chip on your shoulder. Knock off the "oh so sorry me" crap and you'll make up for your bitterly failed youth. Otherwise, you're as interesting and attractive as a styrofoam cup and there are thousands of others with the same nasty attitude. It's not the nice guys who fail, it's the brittle so-called nice guys who do. Bitter, cynical, and woman-hating is not nice.
"You know, sometimes I just want to cum on your brain" has rubbed me the right way in the past...
"Fixed it for you. Sorry, but I'm very cynical in this regard. All my female friends tell me I'm the sweetest and nicest guy they've ever met and I'm like a brother etc. and so forth. When the fact of my life-long singleness comes up, they all point out there is no way in hell they would date me. Oh, but they would all totally love a chance with my pothead, burn-out of a brother, because he's hot." They're shallow cunts and bitches, who when there eggs start to go dry and they run out of options, that's when they get what's coming to them. My advice? Don't do anything for them, tell em to fuck off, and start anew.
"Swing and a miss. Most of my friends consider me their funniest and most interesting friend. Should've probably mentioned that in the previous post. As for the reason my female friends would never date me, the three I felt close enough to to ask told me: one said she couldn't live with somebody who's not interested in money and doesn't want lots of stuff, and the other two flat-out told me I'm too unattractive." Couple of useless bitches. Again, stop doing things for them and stand up for yourself.
"Maybe you're boring in addition to being broke and unattractive? Personality will definitely get you somewhere. I know plenty of not rich ugly dudes with more attractive women." What's personality have to do with anything? I thought we were all about "diversity" And "tolerance"
eww those chicks sound yuck. i agree - ditch the bitches.
I saw a how-to-pick up chick video where a guy was explaining why Javier Bardem's directness in "Vicky Christina Barcelona" worked. (To refresh your memory, Javier said, basically, "Life is short and dull, thus you should come away with me for the weekend and have sex.")
This illustrates what thinky writey was saying. This line worked 'cause it was flippin' Javier Bardem. If it was some non-Javier Bardem dude, yuck. Pick up lines are just space fillers while each party gages each other's attractiveness. As long as it's not gross like the ankle-swelling thing, it kind of doesn't matter.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
"I want to put a baby inside you."
No way! I would run for the hills...screaming...
"eww those chicks sound yuck. i agree - ditch the bitches." Your sarcasm aside, yes exactly. Why do anything for them if they aren't going to do anything for you?
"This illustrates what thinky writey was saying. This line worked 'cause it was flippin' Javier Bardem. If it was some non-Javier Bardem dude, yuck. " Grow up or get out.
"I saw a how-to-pick up chick video where a guy was explaining why Javier Bardem's directness in "Vicky Christina Barcelona" worked." and where/what was this video of espoused wisdom?
I actually don't believe in pick up lines, too stupid and immature. I belive in just talking. Oh what? You people aren't capable of that?
So many, but this one comes to mind first:
A buddy of mine and I were at Amoeba after I had met this young lady at the Arclight. We ran into her after the movie and struck up a conversation, with him as the wing-man. I found her really attractive, earthy and easy-going. We invited her to come hang out with us at my friend's place, watch a DVD, pick up some dinner.
We went to this Indian restaurant on Sunset and then grabbed a copy of The Fantastic Mr. Fox at Lackluster. Then headed to my friend's new apartment in Los Feliz. We watched the movie on the floor with her in between us. My friend wasn't interested in her. She didn't seem to mind me brushing against her.
After the movie we chatted for a bit and then I took her to her place. I went in for a kiss and she pulled back and told me that she thought that my friend and I were dating. We traded numbers. I called her but she never called back.
Oh, the humanity.
That's not just the best answer. It's the bteesst answer!
At a mostly vanilla bar, I was having a 3 way kiss with 2 of my girlfriends with my friend's husband standing behind me with his arms around me. I had all that I wanted in that moment. A strange man had the gumption to ask me to dance.
Heh...not mine, but I overheard a girl say this to her friend- "The first thing he said to me was 'Soon that belly will be plump with my ripe seed.'"
Please excuse me while I go vomit and take a 5 hour shower.