Fifteen Stories: Things Our Parents Told Us About Sex

Nerve readers remember the birds-and-the-bees talk.

 

By Nerve Readers

When I was nine, an older cousin sat me down and introduced me to the contents of "The Yellow Disk," a three-and-a-half inch floppy filled with low-quality porn. Somehow, my mother caught wind of this, and decided we needed to have "the talk." So she sat me down and said, "Sex is something two grownups do when they're in love. It's like very tight hugging, usually in a bed." I'd just seen about a hundred pictures of a woman using a rather large dildo, and was feeling a little baffled; Mom's explanation didn't really help. — Ben

 

I was seven. My ten-year-old sister took great pleasure in terrorizing me, so she told Mom that I was hearing "the wrong things" about sex on the bus to and from school, and that Mom ought to just set the record straight. Mom sat me down and proceeded to explain to me the horrors of bleeding out of my vagina monthly, erect penises squirting god-knows-what into my Special Purpose, and bowling-ball-sized parasites emerging from between my legs. "Don't worry," Mom said, "It's just like taking a really big poop, but from your vagina." — Lisa

 

My dad's pretty conservative and we never had "the talk," but the closest he came was during a fight we had when I was fifteen over a woman's right to have an abortion, spurred by some "pregnancy help center" pamphlets we got in the mail. I'm pro-choice, he's not, and it was clear neither of us was budging. My dad's way of ending the argument? Declaring matter-of-factly — out of nowhere! — in his heavy New York accent, "Boys these days just wanna take off ya clothes and see ya naked," and leaving the room. Um, weird. Weird! — Jill

 

I think my parents were very straightforward with me, and I just didn't get it, since I distinctly recall explaining to a friend that the daddy has a sperm (which is extracted from the penis, medically, of course) and gives it to the mommy (who takes this single sperm and swallows it, like a vitamin pill.) And boom: child in tummy. This, of course, had nothing do with S-E-X, which was when two people love each other so much they want to prove how much they trust each other by being naked together. The end. — Amelia

 

I saw the movie Hocus Pocus three times in theaters (I was about six) and bought the VHS when it came out. I was obsessed with it. There's a whole plot point in the movie about how a candle has to be lit by a virgin in order to bring the witches back to life. I had no idea what that was, but it sounded bad, so one time at school (Catholic French school, so really hardcore) I told a classmate that she was a virgin in a really mean voice. My teacher overheard, freaked out, and sent me home early. In the car on the way home my mom very cautiously asked me, "So... do you know what a virgin is? Do you know what... sex is?" And then she gave me the whole speech, and I just remember thinking it sounded terrible. — Danielle

 

When I was five or six, my parents just left the book Where Did I Come From? in my room (maybe by mistake), and I read it. I then proceeded to replicate the pictures in it, at school, during "drawing time." My best friend copied my drawing, and we were both sent to the principal. To this day I believe "making love" is supposed to feel like "a gentle tingly sort of tickle" that causes "a special kind of wriggling." I like to say I'm self-taught. — Andrea

 

My dad asked me if I knew what a condom was... when I was fifteen. I said I thought I had the basic idea. I wish I could say he'd been reckless to procrastinate, but the sad fact is that while I obviously knew what a condom was, I was in no danger of needing one. — Pete

Commentarium (40 Comments)

Aug 18 11 - 12:05am
bl

my parents never talked to me about sex.

Aug 21 11 - 4:19pm
Jan

same here

Aug 25 11 - 2:26am
Yawn

Same..

Nov 15 11 - 5:44pm
taskin

me and my mom talked only once about it.and that little chat scarred my childhood!

when i was about 4,i asked my mom where babies come from.she told me god plants a seed in your tummy when you are born.At a certain age the seed starts growing and that is when the girl is married off so that the baby has a daddy who'd take care of it.it happens to different people at different ages and you may have more than one seeds.when i asked how the baby comes out...she said it comes out naturally and if you have problems health wise, the doctor operates and takes it out.

obviously i was five and had no idea about the vagina so i presumed that the only
"natural" way out of the tummy is to poop it out.

ever since then, whenever i rushed to the potty at the last moment,i was scared i might accidentally poop out my seeds.spent my entire childhood terrorized that i may have to pull out poop covered baby/baby-seeds if i accidentally pooped it out in a rush.

much later,when i was about 10,i saw the process painted out in an encyclopaedia.i could only then fearlessly poop.

Aug 18 11 - 9:39am
cs

"When Mom tired of Baby, you velcroed the placenta and cord back on, and shoved the baby back from whence it came — just like in real life. — Jennifer"

This is epic.. LOL

Aug 18 11 - 11:50am
dud

I remember being at a friend's house when I was about 8, and I saw his mom walk across the hallway naked from the waist down, wearing nothing but a t-shirt, talking on the phone. She had a perfectly shaped, big and round mullatta ass. And that's the story of my first real boner. I did not talk to my parents about it.

Aug 18 11 - 12:55pm
Annie

I'm going to start calling my vagina my 'Special Purpose.'

Sep 15 11 - 3:12pm
slaidnus

Right!

What I consider to be my birds and the bees conversation was with my dad, since my mom wasn't around. I was starting to get serious with this guy, and probably about 17 years old, and my dad just made me an appointment for birth control without asking me about it. I wasn't having sex, and when I tried telling him this, he responded "I DON'T LIKE THIS CONVERSATION EITHER BUT IT'S HAPPENING." And that was that.

Aug 18 11 - 2:13pm
Rachel

I asked my Mom what sex was when I was maybe 6 or 7, and she gave me a very matter-of-fact description of the act. I responded "But. . .why do people do it?". She said "Because it's fun". I asked "Fun. . .like a roller coaster?" She thought about it a second and said "Yeah, pretty much".

Aug 18 11 - 2:55pm
MSM

My parents didn't talk to me about sex at all. When I was 13, my dad asked me if I knew what a nocturnal emission was. I mumbled something and walked out. End of discussion. Thank god for Dr. Ruth's "Sexually Speaking" on the radio.

Aug 18 11 - 3:48pm
Katja

"When I asked my mom if the missionary position was the only position, she shook her head and muttered, "Sometimes it's the easiest." — Meghan"
I LOL'ed!

My mum did sort of have the talk with me. It started with the school attempting to teach us where babies come from when we were about 7. The lesson was basically this: A sperm cell from the man merges with an egg cell inside the woman's belly and grown into a belly. No further explanation. I didn't get how the sperm cell got in there, so I asked my mum when I got home and got more or less the same speech, without the explanation. So I told her we already learned that in school. Now, mum spent many years relating this story as how she was beaten to the talk by the school, until I in the end had to explain why I asked in the first place when I was about 14 or 15. After asking me if I knew how the sperm cell entered the woman now and me saying yes, we both collapsed into hysterical laughter...

Aug 18 11 - 10:25pm
Lindsey

My mother told me not to start having sex simply because it's addictive. Boy was she right!

Aug 19 11 - 1:27am
HB

I had those books.

Aug 19 11 - 4:35am
Stace

My parents were hardcore Catholics. Mom and Dad were both virgins on their wedding night at ages 26 and 29, respectively. On the requisite late 60's honeymoon flight to Bermuda, my mother told my father that they had "made a mistake."

Fast forward a decade and a half. I'm rooting around the sink cabinet in my parents' bathroom searching for a pair of tweezers. instead I find a half-spent can of spermicidal foam. Curious, I ask my Mother about it. She denies all knowledge, and makes a point of telling me that she and my father had sex exactly twice---once for me and once for my sister. Unbelievable.

Aug 19 11 - 9:39pm
bud

"She denies all knowledge, and makes a point of telling me that she and my father had sex exactly twice---once for me and once for my sister. Unbelievable."

My mother was so uptight about talking to me about sex that she'd make up absurd things. She told me that my dad and her "may or may not" have had sex. Needless to say, I was a very confused child.

Aug 19 11 - 10:05am
Lady

A friend of mine with a "Mommy Blog" just this week posted about telling her daughter where babies come from: http://sandiegomamaduck.blogspot.com/2011/08/lets-talk-about-sex.html
I suspect the little girl now eyes the couch with much suspicion.

Aug 21 11 - 2:12pm
pot-er head

the only sex talk i got from my parents consisted of my mom telling my sister to keep her legs closed and me to keep it in my pants, at age 17.

Aug 21 11 - 10:54pm
J

I didn't ask a lot of questions as a kid; I just came up with my own explanations for things. Babies, I figured, just sort of grew spontaneously inside women once they got married. Some grew two, some grew three. It wasn't really something anyone had a say in. And when the babies were ready, the doctor cut them out and sewed you up (I'd seen my mom's appendectomy scar, but had no idea that vaginas existed--and I'm female). Then when I was in grade one, I went with my older sister (grade three) to visit a friend of hers, and the friend had a sex-ed book. I pretended to be uninterested while all the older girls were giggling over it, and then I snuck off with it while they were doing something else and read through it as fast as I could. The information struck me as so bizarre and unlikely that I just assimilated it to my theory: that must be an optional method, if one so chose, but most people just grew babies the "usual" way.

Sep 08 11 - 11:20pm
e.

I also just assumed that woman were somehow capable of growing babies... but only if they were married. I was always confused as it could be that I looked like my dad if I had come out of my mom's tummy. I remember deciding it was probably because my parents kissed so much. So, yes, as a young child I thought DNA was transmitted orally.

Aug 22 11 - 2:09pm
Jacey

Did no one get any of it in school?

Aug 22 11 - 4:54pm
bk

I got the "period & pregnancy" talk at age 9, without the details. I can still remember how horrified I felt 3 years later when I found out the guy had to put it INSIDE the woman...

Aug 22 11 - 9:44pm
Jen

We had sex ed for the first time in the 3rd grade in my school. I remember learning about puberty and periods, and they must have taught us about sex as well, because I remember having a basic grasp on the concept/mechanics of the act. Of course, the teacher assured us that we could feel comfortable going home and asking our parents about ANYTHING we were curious about - something I distinctly remember. My one question to my mom, as she was tucking me into bed that night? "So... how long does sex take?" She got really embarrassed and managed to mumble "Um... well, it depends..." End of conversation. Before I asked, I had no concept of the fact that sex could be an uncomfortable topic. Thanks to my mom's reaction, sex was suddenly something shameful and embarrassing. I never asked my mom anything about sex again, and twenty years later, the subject has still never come up between us. I've since come to realize that my mom has some serious issues with both sex and relationships. My parents are now (after 20-some years of marriage) divorced. My friends tell me it's a wonder that I turned out so (relatively) normal.

Aug 23 11 - 6:52pm
EJ

I started experimenting with a friend at the age of about nine so I don't ever really remember not knowing what sex was. My parents did however start cornering me at the age of about seventeen and talking to me about contraception, always when I couldn't escape, like in the car.

Aug 24 11 - 5:20am
N

At age 12, having just got my first period, I told my mother that I was scared of using tampons, to which she replied impatiently, "Well, something a LOT bigger is gonna go up there someday."

I was afraid of penises for around 3 years.

Aug 24 11 - 6:26am
Arthur Dent

I was always very interested in sex. My parents always gave me clear, clinical descriptions about anything I wanted to know about sex. I also read anything I could find about sex in the library (this was in the 1980s, before the Internet). So, when we had sex education in grade 4, I was astonished at the ignorance of my peers. We could submit questions anonymously to have answered by the teacher. Some of the questions were unbelievable, like "Can you get pregnant from kissing?" I remember thinking, "How can you be alive for 10 years as a human being, and not have learned the basics about how your own body works?"

Aug 24 11 - 7:25am
Blake

My experience was the same.
My mother was a nurse and had no problem talking biology.
To be honest I can't remember a time I didn't know how it all worked.

Aug 24 11 - 11:44am
Bob

My "talk" occurred when my Dad and I were riding in the truck and "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" came on. We listened to it (he had turned up the volume on the song), and at the end he asked, "Do you understand what this song is talking about?" Then told me to, "keep your rocket in your pocket."

Aug 24 11 - 10:55pm
NJMike

It wasn't so much the talk, but my Dad told me that a hard d*ic has no conscience (sorry I'm terrible at spelling).

Aug 25 11 - 2:38am
Haha!

My 8 year old niece told me her 13 year old sister needs to be vaccinated to avoid pregnancy! I wonder what my sister explained to her...

Aug 29 11 - 3:52pm
Kim

I think my mom explained the medical facts of sex (penis in vagina= sperm= baby) to me when I was six and had no way to apply that knowledge to anything I might feel a few years later. But in fifth grade when we had "the talk" about periods in school I read the pamphlet they gave us, which contained all sorts of new words. I asked my mom what an orgasm was and she said "It's when you're youknow goes" and then she made this clicking sound.

Really not that helpful.

Aug 30 11 - 11:18am
pjc

In 7th grade perochial school, the schoolyard gave us all some interesting tidbits. But it all came down to Maryann Cavalatoni dragging me in the the classroom closet where she pulled up her skirt, pushed my hand down her underpants and said, "poke me with your finger". Then she grabbed my erection and said "thats where you put this,".
She left me there, but I have since recovered, and done fairly well I might add.

Nov 15 11 - 5:38pm
taskin

my!that'd be one hell of a way to find out!

Sep 03 11 - 11:43pm
Jazzmine

I learned when I was about 7, in a tent in the back yard, with a much older neighbour friend. She showed me with barbies. I didn't learn that guy junk was different than girl junk until sex ed three years later.

Sep 04 11 - 4:14am
Echolee

I wasn't told. I just grew up hearing about it. Then when I was like maybe 8 she came up to me and said do u k o how babies are made? And for some reason I said no. Then she went talking on for like and hour explaining how it happens and not to have sex until I find some right and is worth havin a family with. I felt very akward. She gave me the picture real good now. It haunted me for a while.

Sep 04 11 - 1:24pm
duhhh

Experience is the best teacher lol

Sep 08 11 - 3:35pm
SwLou

After reading these comments I hope we can all agree that maybe sex ed in the schools is a pretty good idea.

Nov 01 11 - 12:31am
Creole Kitty is...

My mom and dad produced four children and we never discussed anything about sex. All we got was a lecture on the sin of fornication and lust.

Nov 15 11 - 5:34pm
taskin

when i was about 4,i asked my mom where babies come from.she told me god plants a seed in your tummy when you are born.At a certain age the seed starts growing and that is when the girl is married off so that the baby has a daddy who'd take care of it.it happens to different people at different ages and you may have more than one seeds.when i asked how the baby comes out...she said it comes out naturally and if you have problems health wise, the doctor operates and takes it out.

obviously i was five and had no idea about the vagina so i presumed that the only
"natural" way out of the tummy is to poop it out.

ever since then, whenever i rushed to the potty at the last moment,i was scared i might accidentally poop out my seeds.spent my entire childhood terrorized that i may have to pull out poop covered baby/baby-seeds if i accidentally pooped it out in a rush.

much later,when i was about 10,i saw the process painted out in an encyclopaedia.i could only then fearlessly poop.

Nov 17 11 - 5:57pm
emily

i never got the sex talk from my parents. my dad never really talked to me, period, and my mom is super conservative. she never even taught me 'vagina.' haha. i just learned what it was called on my own.

Dec 12 11 - 5:19am
J

I never got much of a "talk" except for what my dad said. "teenage boys ONLY want in your pants, and will do anything to get there, and that they don't connect sex with emotion like girls do." (by this point I had already figured that much out)