Five Stories: Out of My League

Nerve readers boast shamelessly about their romantic conquests.

By Nerve Readers



The Greatest Sentence I've Ever Heard

I had just moved to Munich from a conservative "date before doing it" Canadian city, where I usually ended up with average-looking girls, and in relationships that seemed to be sexually average at best. Like everyone else that comes to Europe from North America, I had these great delusions that this was a place where people fucked in lieu of shaking hands. I quickly learned the locals don't give a shit about your accent — and that not speaking German is a huge obstacle, when you’re trying to seduce confident German women. After coming to these conclusions I started going to meet-ups for English speaking expats where I would get completely drunk to help take the edge off the awkwardness of a bar full of strangers trying to befriend one another.

And that’s where I met Lea. She was bordering on the edge of short, with long blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, an amazing body, sexy Aussie accent, and an attitude of completely not giving a fuck. In other words, she was the definition of "out of my league."

A mutual friend introduced us and we became a tripod: her, myself, and the mutual friend. The three of us took trips all throughout Bavaria and Austria, and always found ourselves as the last people at the bar. I quickly discarded thoughts of ever even trying to get into Lea's pants — she could have whoever she wanted and it probably wasn't me, so I just played the role of a friend as best I could.

I heard the most remarkable words ever said to me: "You're fucking kidding, right mate?"

One night, as our team of three was out drinking itself stupid again, she mentioned she had missed her last train out of town. She lived in a little village north of Munich, and you needed to take regional trains to get there. Being a good friend, I offered the extra futon in my place not too far away. We got back home and I started finding linens and such for her futon.

As I was tossing down pillows I said, "All right, here you go. Your bed’s ready."

From behind me, I heard the most remarkable words ever said to me: "You're fucking kidding, right mate?" I turned around to see her leaning on the door framed with no clothes to hide her perfectly sculpted body.

I've never had sex like that. It was like a marathon of pleasure. In the morning she thanked me for more consecutive orgasms than any other man had given her and left. After she had moved back to Australia a few weeks later, our mutual friend mentioned that she hadn't missed that train but was hoping I would take her home — she had wanted me for a while and thought she might push her luck. She had always thought I was "out of her league." — Dane Samson

Commentarium (37 Comments)

Jul 15 11 - 12:49am
HipHop Hippo

Brandon has been watching "500 Days of Summer" far too much; the tropes in his piece are ridiculous.

That said, I really hope Wendy the rapping dwarf lesbian is real.
~hippie

Jul 15 11 - 2:18pm
some bitchcunt

every one of these was charming and authentic as fuck compared to brandon

Jul 16 11 - 12:06am
......

I'm usually the first to defend hipster-hating on this site, but the sentence from alex's piece "So, on the first day, during the orientation activities, I was busy looking for the interesting kids: the smokers and the hipsters" made me heave a little...crazy pretentious

Jul 16 11 - 3:17am
Delia

Pretentious yes, but at least Alex was honest about his definition of "interesting" ! I'm probably just biased because my definition includes his. Back to Brandon though - bleghhh. Nerve was doing spectacularly (4 for 4!) until this one. I don't and probably won't ever live in New York, but even I know that no actual local would utter the words "out New Yorked". Ick from start to finish.

Jul 17 11 - 1:12am
ixvnyc

I love it how Harlem is both "home of the models" and dangerous for a white guy to walk around at night - at the same time.

Jul 18 11 - 4:04pm
completely

I think the best part of the Brandon one was how he tried to paint his totally intellectual and nerdy conversation with "the model": they've seen Doctor Who and don't like Twilight! I know /I'm/ impressed.

Jul 15 11 - 1:34am
Jfs$2)

All this is pretty meaningless when it comes from a heterosexual female or even a gay male. The only type of person for whom the fraction [(ability to get sex when desired)/(amount of time sex is desired)] is a seriously small number is a single, average-to-below-average looking heterosexual male. On average, women in general just do not aspire to having random meaningless sex with even a potentially ugly partner anywhere near as frequently as the average male. No question about it. Straight women and gay men (in big cities) just don't know what having no options for sex is really like.

Jul 15 11 - 1:53am
nerkums

:(

Jul 15 11 - 11:18am
KML

:( :(

Jul 15 11 - 11:31am
LB

That's true. A woman saying, "I can't believe I got [this attractive/successful/famous guy] to have sex with me," deserves eyerolls. But it levels out a little bit once you start talking relationships. I know lots of great catch guys in marriages or long-term relationships with women who are less so, judged objectively (well, by societal criteria). I can cite the opposite as well. Cause for hope, I guess, if you're a comely, uninteresting loser, but of course in the best of cases each party ends up feeling like the lucky one.

Jul 15 11 - 2:46pm
gatsby

it's so hard to be a straight white male you guys!

Jul 15 11 - 5:08pm
LB

@gatsby it's pretty easy being a straight white guy, yes (although who said anything about being white?). But JPs$2)'s point is valid if scoring them on difficulty. But it doesn't really take away from reading about other people who are psyched to hook up with someone they think is hotter than they are.

Jul 15 11 - 8:32pm
Lobo

", average-to-below-average looking heterosexual male" Yup that is the loser of the world. I was that until I hit my mid 30s and had a lot of money. Suddenly the world is my oyster. Sucks.

Jul 16 11 - 1:12am
Tom B.

@gatsby You're telling me!

Jul 16 11 - 1:27pm
nn

And how much of your life have you spent as a gay man or a heterosexual female? Being psyched to hook up with someone who you thought was out of your league is a universal emotion. If women didn't get rejected too you'd see them doing more asking out. Quit being so self-centered.

Jul 18 11 - 4:00pm
completely

Except this isn't just about getting laid, it's about getting someone who's significantly hotter than you. How many really hot guys do you see with average-looking girls? It's rare as fuck. But hot girls with average-looking guys? Happens a lot more. Dunno if it's because girls aren't as superficial, it's more socially acceptable, or just the simple fact that there are more hot girls than hot guys, but I'm way more impressed by a 7 that nailed a 10 when the 7 is a chick.

Jul 21 11 - 12:01am
Kevin

>"If women didn't get rejected too you'd see them doing more asking out."

Oh boo hoo. Women don't ask out more because they're lazy cowards, but can get away with waiting for guys. Guys might like to be lazy cowards too, but they learn that with that comes guaranteed celibacy. So they walk the balance between celibacy, and dealing with rejection. Women should grow up.

Jul 15 11 - 4:21am
Dude...

The first story hurts just a little. Makes me think of more than a couple of times when I found out too late that a very hot woman was interested in me and I had no idea. Of course I wasn't making any moves because I didn't think I had any chance. More than couple of times..... *sigh*

Jul 15 11 - 2:18pm
P

I second that

Jul 15 11 - 12:55pm
slh

forgot to send this one in--when phish played new years in miami, i had sex with a harvard chemist. not the best sex, but the coolest story.

Jul 15 11 - 2:36pm
mikee

Sorry, Andrea, 16 is too young to have legal sex, even in So Cal

Jul 15 11 - 8:46pm
Ben

Point being...?

Jul 15 11 - 9:08pm
@Ben

Point being, everyone in America waits until the legal age to have sex. For Christ's sake, hormones are one thing, but the law is the law!

Jul 25 11 - 12:44pm
Mirror

Everyone in America waits for the legal age? Do you know a TV program called "Sixteen and Pregnant"?

Aug 04 11 - 1:21am
@Mirror

That was sarcasm man.

Jul 15 11 - 3:48pm
Rafael

Stories where both sex partners felt "lucky" when it was over? Much to be wished for! Where's the downside?

Jul 15 11 - 9:46pm
FelixJones

An older guy at work once said, "I didn't realize how shallow women could be until I bought a sports car". GT-R here I come.

Jul 16 11 - 11:55am
Linda

The world would be a better place if nobody worried about having a chance or not! To add to that the world would also be a better place if talking to strangers isn't regarded as making a move.

Jul 17 11 - 4:03pm
FFDOM

I call bullshit on Brandon. It's not the model thing, but the fact that who in the hell is going to get it on for two hours under a tree in the middle of the night IN THE DEAD OF WINTER. I'd be afraid of sex fluids freezing us together. He may have scored a smoking hottie, but i bet the story is a lot more boring than what he says.

Jul 17 11 - 11:10pm
duh

Andrea didn't bag someone out of her league, she "bagged" a pedo.

Jul 21 11 - 10:33pm
?

Sorry, a "pedo" is someone who goes after children, not anyone under the legal age of consent. While your definition might hold up in court, it is insulting to Andrea and others like her who at 16 have perfectly healthy sexual desires and yet have to function in a legal and social environment that prefers to pretend that "(my goodness!) she's just a baby!"

Pretty much all girls have full sexual development, function, and desire by the time they are 16, and are mostly just as capable of making responsible sexual choices as an 18 year old would be. Not only that, but she said nothing of the guy's age.

Let's see:
American Idol contestant
+ capable of holding mutually interesting conversation with a 16-year old girl
+ physically appealing to a 16-year old girl
= probably somewhere close to her age.

Even if he wasn't, Andrea seemed at the time to know what she wanted and what she was getting into, and she in her adulthood obviously remembers the experience fondly, so what is your problem?

That you and your kind are comfortable making this kind of comment, and (likely smugly) believe that everyone else must naturally, readily, and rabidly agree with you, is itself a sad comment on how the exploitation of women's bodies has evolved from a simply degrading colonization to a fully dehumanizing politicization, often led by so-called "feminists".

Jul 18 11 - 9:16am
sophie

americans abroad. always a treasure. "I pointed him out to my new friends" you met those people days ago, they are not your friends.

Jul 21 11 - 10:59pm
sigh...

He said "NEW friends," not "good friends" or "old friends".

Given the tone of the story, the fact that he was 20 years old at the time, struggling to communicate in a second language, and doing his best to make use of the "friend-making" window of opportunity provided by his circumstances, I think his use of the phrase "new friend" is appropriate. What would you have suggested he used?

"Fellow students of recent acquaintance"?

Or was it that you were really just grabbing at a weak opportunity to trash on Americans abroad? Are you that bitter about us?

I've been traveling abroad for 4 years now, and I am now and from the day I left the USA have always been perfectly capable of assessing the relative quality of my relationships, which I can consider friendships, and which I would take no serious stock in. If I call someone a new friend, it means that we have a mutual interest in becoming better friends, and have so far encountered no obstacle to that object.

We're not all idiots, as you seem to want to think, or at least to paint us as.

Jul 22 11 - 10:14am
Lois

Wowza, pobrelm solved like it never happened.

Jul 23 11 - 11:45am
Dweezil

Kudos! What a neat way of tihnknig about it.

Aug 02 11 - 8:47am
3six5dates

Romantic conquests that give me hope!

Aug 23 11 - 1:58pm
Teej

I have a few stories like that, but being a straight woman, I acknowledge that it's not hard to get laid.

Still, I'm chubby and average-looking, and scoring "out of your league" is awesome anyway. I love it and look back on these experiences very fondly. Thanks for the fucks, hotties.