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October 26, 2009
After the surgery my mom had bigger boobs than she'd ever had, and I took her bra shopping at a nice department store. Without any nipples her new breasts looked strange, but the lady who was helping us wasn't fazed. "I see this every day," she told us. "Did you know your insurance will reimburse you for the cost of your new undergarments?" While my mom was busy in her dressing room I tried on a black lace bra that I knew my boyfriend would love. My mom ended up paying for my selection, too. "Thanks for bringing me here," she said as the lady behind the register handed over our bag of bras. "My pleasure," I told her, imagining the mileage I'd get out the black lace.
Originally the doctors told us that my mom had only a three-percent chance of the cancer ever coming back once she finished chemo, but within a few months the cancer had spread to her brain, her bones, and one lung. It turned out breast cancer wasn't so treatable after all. The doctors gave her six months.
I moved home and took on the role of fulltime caretaker. In the morning I helped my mother shower, put on one of her new bras, and drove her to the hospital for a treatment that might buy her some time. Afternoons were spent regulating the number of visitors who dropped by with good wishes and the inevitable pink-ribbon-themed gifts. I broke up with my boyfriend and the black lace bra sat unused in my underwear drawer. Most days I wore sweatshirts and pullovers. Showing cleavage seemed insensitive.
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I love my tits. I can't imagine life without them.
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Six months and one week later my mother died in a hospital bed we'd gotten installed in the living room. The week of shiva was a bizarre nightmare of bagels and unwanted hugs. Several times a day one of my mom's friends would lean in and whisper, Have you gotten tested? or Are you checking yourself? These comments were always accompanied by a nod towards my chest, which was suddenly the star of the show. I loved my boobs, but couldn't believe that they were suddenly such an acceptable topic of conversation.
In fact, I did get tested for BRCA 1 and 2, the genes common among Ashkenazi Jewish women that indicate a high likelihood of breast cancer. I don't have either of them, but the geneticist didn't think that was particularly good news. My great-grandmother died of breast cancer, too, which means that my mother was the fourth woman in three generations to be diagnosed. We don't have the genetic marker they know is bad news; we've just got one they don't know about yet. The chances that my sisters and I will have our own breast-cancer nightmares are high enough that it might as well be a certainty.
In the wake of my mother's quick and untimely demise, most of her friends assumed I'd run out and get my breasts removed prophylactically. Others are constantly asking me if I'm being diligent about self-exams. I don't know how to tell them I love my tits. I can't imagine life without them. I certainly can't imagine sex without them, and even though it's a little like walking around with two time bombs strapped to my chest, I'm keeping them as long as I can.
Since my mother died I wear low-cut tops practically every day. My friends refer to my cleavage as the Magnificent Mile, and it's on display as often as possible. At parties and in bars I make out with strange men, allowing them just as far as second base, thrilling in the blissed-out feeling I get from coming standing, pressed up against them in some dark loud room. If anything my breasts have become more sensitive in the last year.
My whole life has this urgency now, like that moment between when you know you will come, and the sweet smooth release. I love my boobs. I'm going to use them every day until they start to kill me. n°
| ABOUT THE AUTHOR: | |
| Elisheva Wolfe is a writer and editor who lives in New York. Her work has appeared at Jewcy.com, and The South Wing, among others. | |
Commentarium (39 Comments)
wow. this was amazing
Daaaaaaaaaark....
This was really heavy. But amazing
My mother spent my whole life talking about her breasts and how she lucked out... she was diagnosed with breast cancer since past summer... it is so difficult to watch.
thank you for sharing. i'm glad you are living with reckless abandon while you can!
I can also orgasm with nipple stimulation. My hubby doesn't do it much though, because, due to surgerys I'm lopsided. I hope to have surgery to fix this soon. I just hope I don't lose sensation in my nipples.
incredible story. thanks for sharing it.
I refuse to believe that any woman can reach orgasm strictly from stimulation of her nipples.
I can't believe it. I wont believe it.
It's a fact. I'm a man, and I've done the stimulating. Some women say that nipple stimulation goes directly to their clits. I believe it; and I like it.
"PLEASE" let me see for myself!
Whoa, do a lot of breasts come this sensitive?
I assume the "I can't believe it" is a joke. I mean, really? My husband come come from nipple stimulation alone. I'm not so lucky, but it's sure a neat trick for him! I have another friend who can come from having the right spot on her lower back massaged in the right way. I didn't believe that until I saw it happen by accident at a BDSM club. That was crazy. Lesson? The human body and human sexual response are really diverse. I mean, I can come with no stimulation at all. Most of us can./ They're called wet dreams. So why is it so weird that this also happens when you're awake and a body part that feels really good is being stimulated?
"can come." Although "come come" would be interesting to see . . .
this was amazing and heartbreaking and wonderful.
It's an amazing feat to get me reading something because I think it's going to be porn and then switch it up and make me all weepy and STILL leave me satisfied. Wowsers.
Great story! Just wishing there will be an article someday on small breasts *feels really left out after this article plus the 'I Did It For Science' one on large breasts*.Maybe i'm just in a bad mood after reading yet another article on breast implants where a woman is talking about how her small breasts made her feel 'less like a real woman'.
Be grateful. I wouldn't trade my itty bittys for all the milk in Wisconsin! I can't imagine having to live my life with elastic strapped around my chest and shoulders. Needing "support" sucks. Be grateful you don't sag and have to deal with sweaty under-the-tit pits. If you want a cleavage, you can always get a bra that gives you one. But you can also go braless and flash some bouncing, perky nips through thin fabric, a sexy look which your more bovine sisters can't do. In college, I used to hang out with a big breasted friend who referred to hers as "jerk magnets." Really, having small, sensitive breasts is a wonderful gift.
aj, smaller ones are more sensitive.
Well written, thank you for sharing. As a guy with sensitive nipples I can relate to the electricity that runs from nipple to crotch. It's turned into a positive as my girlfriend knows that she can get me hard instantly just by sucking on my nipples. I consider it a blessing :) I'm glad you're not afraid to embrace the assets god gave you in light of what has happened.
Life is a celebration and something special, Elisheva. Here's to your embracing your "heritage" and the sexuality and sensuality surrounding your breasts. I'm one male who openly supports breast cancer research, as should every heterosexual man should. I also support people who refuse to give in to fear. Keep your head high and your chest out!
Good for you for living your life, and for finding a positive outlet to deal with those yentas who suggested you have a prophylactic mastectomy in your twenties.
whats your number?
you made me cry. thanks for sharing your story.
this was a powerful article somehow... you go elisheva. it's so awesome to see someone who truly embraces their whole self no matter what.
Powerful writing indeed. That such heavenly parts of the female anatomy can be harbingers of such trauma, and yet still have the power to turn my head from across the street, its amazing. You sound like a strong woman Elisheva, I'm glad to hear those breasts of yours are still giving you the plesure you deserve.
Beautiful!!! What a refreshing read - powerful, well-written and makes such a statement in so many ways. Thanks for the thought-provoking read, and of course sticking up for boobs.
wonderfully written...this is a thousand times better then porn...and it makes sense and has a wonderful message!!! simply awesome!
now THIS is some good writing. bravo.... It's been a long time, Nerve.
Thank-you, Elisheva, for sharing this with us. Know that current research suggests that diet plays a significant role in helping keep cancer at bay. Do your research, get some exercise (even just walking more) and up your intake of anti-oxidents. May you live a very long time and have many, many happy orgasms.
Your boobs are not "Wonder Boobs" just because they're DD -- women with small breasts can reach orgasm through breast stimulation, too. I'm tempted to tell you to get over yourself.
You completely missed the point, hm?
Correction to previous post, "...through nipple stimulation."
Powerful. Very powerful. I can relate 100% to loving my big tits and not being able to imagine enjoying sex to it's fullest without them. I too can come from breast and/or nipple stimulation (and so can my boyfriend - his are even more sensitive!). I honestly don't know what I'd decide to do if breast cancer ran in my family. And even though considering all of the options is prudent, I'm appalled that so many women in your life so casually suggest having them removed, just like that. And in your 20's! I applaud you for enjoying them while you're young, and for sharing a very personal story.
Just read this on AlterNet... Right now, I am 2 weeks away from having an excisional biopsy/lumpectomy to determine if my cancer has come back after 7 years in the clear. Like you, Elisheva, I love my breasts...The Twins, The Girls. I was fortunate enough to have caught the first cancer extremely early 7 years ago at age 33; though my mother was diagnosed 4 months later and was not so fortunate (double mastectomy, etc; and she is still alive). The 6 weeks of radiation therapy and 5 years on Tamoxifen weren't so bad, all things considered. I have spent the past 7 years thoroughly enjoying my 38Ds and flaunting them when I can, but the past few weeks have been something of a nightmare. Enjoy them - let others enjoy them too, if only to admire them. Ultimately, do whatever you need to do to stay healthy. Now, if I could only convince myself........
aWWww!!! dats realy touching story.... :-(
a touching story
Hey girl you say you use them every day come to my house me and my friends will show ya how it's done and damn are your boobs that big oh and sorry for your loss. Text me I wanna fuck you sexy!
This story hits close to home for me. Breast cancer is genetic in my family too. However, we don't have either of the known genes. So far it has gotten my grandFATHER (yes, men can have breast cancer too), my mother, and my aunt. Luckily they have all survived. Only my grandfather needed chemo; my mother's and aunt's were taken care of with mastectomies. My mother, aunt, and I all have (or had) large breasts. We aren't able to trace this any further back into our family because my grandfather is adopted. Since the advent of the internet, we were able to track down his mother's family and they have no instances of breast cancer, so we've concluded it must be his unknown father who passed this on. What you say about being Jewish and and having an unknown gene causing it, leads me to believe my grandfather's father may have been Jewish.
My sister has one of the gene mutations that causes cancer. After so many women had breast cancer in my family we saw a genetic counselor and my dad tested positive for the gene, subsequently my sister and I got tested. I am thankfully negative, but my sister has to live with this fear of cancer and will probably get her breasts removed at some point for preventative purposes. Eventually my brother will have to get tested to see if he could give it to his children that he will have some day. Weird how this gene works its way down the family tree and won't go away.