"I didn't plan on having sex with a man, much in the way I didn't plan on losing my virginity to a woman. I met her when I was seventeen, the summer before my senior year in high school. We fell in love. Two years later I checked "lesbian" in the box and I did all the things one did when coming out in the nineties: I cut my hair short, I listened to Ani DiFranco, I put gay-pride stickers on my car, and I stayed away from men. In college, I minored in women's studies and took any opportunity to argue about sexism, classism, racism, and any other ism related to the plight of gender inequality.

My first girlfriend and I explored and studied sex like we were getting degrees in it. She penetrated my mouth, pussy, and ass with her tongue, fingers, and dildos that she strapped on. We tried all sorts of positions and developed a love or for role-playing. I discovered I liked pain and sexual submission. She discovered she liked power, control and inflicting pain — so much so that years later she became a he.

I never understood why men would get so flustered when I told them their pick-up lines would not work on me, I was a lesbian. Often, I was told that I needed to experience a "real cock" — theirs. But why would I want to work at getting something hard, just to have it possibly deflate, when a woman could strap on and fuck me whenever she or I wanted?

My first girlfriend and I explored and studied sex like we were getting degrees in it.

Then at twenty-six, after my second three-year relationship with a woman, I started to get curious and restless. I left my girlfriend, our one-bedroom house in City Island and our troubled relationship in search of something new. I was curious about a lot of things, even men, but didn't put "have sex with a man" on my to-do list. I figured if I was open to it, it would happen. And it did. The night I lost my virginity to a man, I told him the same thing I had told so many others: "I'm a lesbian; I'm not going to have sex with you." Except this time I didn't mean it. Many hours and many drinks after we met, I asked if we could go back to his place.

The sex was drunk and sloppy. By the time his cock was inside of me, it was seven a.m. and we were many, many sheets to the wind. He pumped me for about three-and-a-half minutes before he went limp and passed out. If I had still been a sharp-tongued lezzie who took any opportunity to tell a man off about his cock, it would have been the perfect time. But I didn't. There was something about him that I liked. Plus, my mouth was too chalky and my mind too confused to get the words out.

Commentarium (47 Comments)

Aug 18 09 - 12:11pm
j.l.

Is there a reason you don't use the label "bisexual"? Yes, the girls who make out with each other IN ORDER to titillate guys have given the term unpleasant associations, but...?

Aug 18 09 - 12:31pm
s.m.

Interesting insight. Terrible grammar. Does Nerve still employ editors?

Aug 18 09 - 2:06am
WW

Yeah, what's with the grammar?

Aug 18 09 - 6:02am
MJR

The last two comments just make me think about Sloan-Underwhelmed, lol. that said, this definitley feels like a snippet from a bigger storybook

Aug 18 09 - 8:06am
JR

I had a very similar experience in my mid-twenties. Except, I made the decision to start identifying as bisexual, and I went back to dating women exlusively because I did not like the newfound "normal" feeling at all. The way my relationships fit in to society at large was a huge deal. I came out when I was fourteen, and all of the work I did for queer rights really mattered to me. I didn't mind being misinterpreted as a full-fledged dyke when I was with a woman, but I hated being misinterpreted as straight when I was with a man.

Aug 18 09 - 11:00am
arb

Nice piece. s.m. and WW, if you think the grammar was terrible in this story, you should go teach in public education -- secondary or collegiate. Put that snarkiness to some use, for it only makes you look jealous and thoughtless in this venue.

Aug 18 09 - 11:13am
PG

Interesting piece, and I did enjoy it. So thank you. But I do take issue with one line in particular... "She discovered she liked power, control and inflicting pain

Aug 19 09 - 12:11am
MRI

Yes, PG: "She discovered she liked power, control and inflicting pain

Aug 19 09 - 12:27am
JG

Won't it be great when we learn to stop assuming anything about eachother's sexuality just because of who they are with?

Aug 18 09 - 1:09pm
MM

Thanks, PG, for bringing up a good point. I appreciate it. It should be stated that not all FTMs have switched because of BDSM tendencies. I was being casual on a topic that is very complex. However, in my ex's case, she did want to become a man for the power and control. The more we explored feminism together, the more she didn't want to fight against white, male, corporate oppression - she wanted to become it.

Aug 18 09 - 1:16pm
MM

Thanks, PG, for bringing up a good point. I appreciate it. It should be stated that not all FTMs have switched because of BDSM tendencies. I was being casual on a topic that is very complex. However, in my ex's case, she did want to become a man for the power and control. The more we explored feminism together, the more she didn't want to fight against white, male, corporate oppression - she wanted to become it.

Aug 18 09 - 1:29pm
mpb

I am a professional editor and writer, and the grammar didn't bother me in this. It's first-person, colloquial, and friendly. I feel that a good editor allows the author's voice to shine rather than imposing strict Chicago Manual style. Was just listening to a delightful, towering rant from Stephen Fry about this point . . .losing the forest for the grammatical tress and all that.

Aug 18 09 - 2:55pm
JL

I appreciated the honesty more than anything. Bravo, MM.

Aug 18 09 - 4:37pm
DS

Cool read. Thank you for sharing!

Aug 18 09 - 8:46pm
LB

Nice, insightful work. I like how she explored the tendency of onlookers to form quick judgements depending on who she was with.

Aug 18 09 - 9:04pm
JW

I agree with mpb. It's a much more interesting read when a bit of the author's personality is revealed through the writing. Excellent piece - I'd love to see more.

Aug 19 09 - 1:33am
DF

That's the funny thing about the label bisexual, we are still so diverse even inside that, some of us lean towards boys and others towards girls. It really is more of a spectrum than categories

Aug 19 09 - 10:59am
bg

More of this girl! Great story.

Aug 19 09 - 11:01am
JR

haha - CC is right. anyone who follows mia's work knows she is far from straight, but its an amusing title. and being a follower of mia's, it's indeed very cool to discover more background behind her sexuality and get her stories in a new format. brava, MM! always looking foward to more of your work!

Aug 19 09 - 1:03pm
LF

I enjoyed reading this. I am openly bisexual and I can totally relate to much of what she's written here. Although, I don't have a hard time switching back and forth - I like men and women equally - but the people in my life sometimes have a tough time with it. It can be frustrating when your friends think you should 'just choose one or the other already.' I like that I don't have to limit myself. I like people.

Feb 11 12 - 7:37pm
stranger

if you could like both. Its better to develop a relationship with the opposite sex.
For example, I used to not want to have kids and family. Now I do.
When you develop a deep relationship with the same sex. This kind of thing becomes a problem.

You would have adopt some kid from orphanage, etc. Or have kid with some outside woman or man. Things become complicated.

If you are 100% gay then you really cant help it. if you are bi its better to try to be "normal".

Aug 19 09 - 1:50pm
FC

I know it's stupid but I still tend to think 'bisexual' refers to somebody who's horny enough to go either way, all the time. And what's wrong with that? By now it should be as much of a snooze as voting 'independent'. And I'm unapologetically straight.

Aug 19 09 - 2:38pm
nw

As a woman who finds herself sexually attracted to men and women, though I do lend towards men for the power plays, I loved this article. I think sexuality, when done right, doesn't neatly conform. I find myself deeply desiring to kiss some women, feel their sex, and make power with them, but I also find my body responding to men. I'm not ashamed of it. I love how once we decide to be unconventional, it becomes a restraint in itself, a new box of which we feel trapped. I refuse to be trapped.

Aug 20 09 - 1:51am
KsZ

As a man who started off dating women and then gradually transitioned into dating men (and eventually committing to a particular man) it was interesting to see you chart the journey from the other side. I still find myself attracted to both sexes, but I wanted a partner, and at some point it became clear that if I had to go one way or the other, it was going to be a man.

Aug 21 09 - 12:19am
bM

very enlightening article. I am a straight woman, so it turned me on the way you spoke of turning on Nate but I was also intrigued by your description of having sex with a woman. Interesting perspective!

Aug 21 09 - 11:21am
jcj

seems like you are high-fiving the christian right who claim that people aren't born gay and can change..maybe you are the exception

Aug 21 09 - 11:27am
oh

Yet another hasbian...snooze.

Aug 21 09 - 11:44am
JRP

Maybe you want to read my article from 5 years ago...or, maybe you already did...
http://www.jessicaraepatton.com/shame.html

Aug 21 09 - 4:34pm
AL

Coming out "straight"? Why, when you are interested in men and women?

A bisexual person isn't straight when she's dating a man and lesbian when she's dating a woman. Or "normal" when she's dating a man and "abnormal" when she's dating a woman.

Stuff like this article plays exactly to negative stereotypes about bisexuals: that they can be "turned straight", basically. Articles like this make it harder for other bisexuals to live their lives normally and have our identities accepted by both straight and queer people.

Aug 21 09 - 6:11pm
GTA

I liked it! Go Martina....
Ignore the snarky grammar comments. Just wannabes...

Aug 21 09 - 6:19pm
MM

For the record, I did not come at as straight. The title of my story was changed from "Coming Out" to "Coming Out Straight." I like to leave things open ended, I guess Nerve likes to keep things in tidy boxes.

Aug 21 09 - 7:05pm
MM

For the record, I did not come at as straight. The title of my story was changed from "Coming Out" to "Coming Out Straight." I like to leave things open ended, I guess Nerve likes to keep things in tidy boxes.

Aug 21 09 - 8:41pm
dwp

bestiality is still open

Aug 21 09 - 8:53pm
MM

For the record, I did not come at as straight. The title of my story was changed from "Coming Out" to "Coming Out Straight." I like to leave things open ended, I guess Nerve likes to keep things in tidy boxes.

Aug 21 09 - 9:16pm
MM

For the record, I did not come at as straight. The title of my story was changed from "Coming Out" to "Coming Out Straight." I like to leave things open ended, I guess Nerve likes to keep things in tidy boxes.

Aug 21 09 - 9:51pm
CA

"I had lost my lesbian card. It was time to come out again". You said it yourself MM, so the title.. not very relevant

Aug 22 09 - 7:25pm
AO

CA - She said, as you quoted "I had lost my lesbian card. It was time to come out again" - that is open to many interpretations: coming out as a bisexual, coming out as a lesbian who now sleeps with a man, etc. The story ends, as with many people's sexuality, in an open-ended, not-so-easily defined way. But the title, or the re-edited title, isn't so open to interpretation.

Aug 22 09 - 11:01pm
BC

Interesting article. I was with a woman who discovered around the time I was dating that she was bi. I had no problem with her being attracted to women (I actually could relate to her liking women, since I like women too), but I did expect her to be monogamous - or at least that if she wasn't going to be monogamous, then I should be free not to be either.

At the same time, I always wondered what it must be like for her, to enjoy two different body types, and this article communicated some of that to me. To me, wanting to be with my own sex feels like being hungry for a vegetable that I don't like. I don't have problems if other people want it, but to me it just doesn't appeal or taste good.

Aug 23 09 - 11:09am
MJM

Great article. Very amusing.

Aug 23 09 - 1:11pm
TK

I started out as lesbian - went on to do the man thing but it seemed to be the 'norm' - I felt I was cheating me - back to being lesbian (and I don't do the male hate thing or rally on gay pride marches - I just want to feel loved and to offer love and this is where I'm most comfortable. Your was an interesting story of -- finding yourself! Bravo

Aug 24 09 - 4:59pm
eboo

what a life. http://4poster.150m.com

Nov 06 09 - 6:29pm
SS

Excellent writing. This bit - "I got off on lesbian sex existing as a dichotomy between subversive and sexy. And I enjoyed having sex with men and feeling our opposing parts in primal positions that made me want to say things like "as God intended," which also felt subversive to me because I don't believe in God" - is beautifully phrased. And about the most honest thing I've read regarding sexuality in a long time. Thank you for this article.

May 30 10 - 11:21pm
XYZ

I am a man struggling with homosexuality. I also someday hope to write a story like yours, of 'coming out straight'!

Oct 01 10 - 9:18pm
crackserial

Yes, sure, I like it, Interesting and educational. Please continue to write more interesting post in your website.

Feb 18 11 - 5:42am
alissa

It's really provoking point of view.

Feb 18 11 - 8:11am
bethzy

How much visitors agreed with you?

Feb 18 11 - 9:47am
virginia

Bless them. And bless you, for initiation the thread.