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May 13, 2011
Quite a lot of people of both sexes describe themselves as sarcastic, as though this were an appealing quality. To quote Inigo Montoya: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
To be fair, being asked to describe yourself concisely, attractively, and without sounding like an idiot is the kind of psychological personality test that sociologists would ban for ethical reasons, an insoluble series of double-binds. Speaking for myself, what's most tiresome about presenting oneself as potential partner at my age is having to maintain this pose that you are so happy and busy and fulfilled that you're only now, as an afterthought, getting around to finding someone to share your incredibly full busy happy life with.
Whereas if you are on an internet dating service, the self-evident fact is that you are not 100% happy. What you are, more likely, is lonely — sometimes so lonely it makes your throat close up on Saturday nights walking home from a movie by yourself past all the hateful couples, and you're starting to wonder whether there might not be something basically defective or broken about you. But you know from experience that desperation gives off a smell as repellent as gangrene, so it's imperative that you cover up one of the most basic facts about yourself and counterfeit the demeanor of some person you can't imagine being, who's just having so much fun it's taken him forty years to notice he's alone. The question you really want to ask everybody, and the one you know they're secretly wondering about you, is: So what's your problem? There is no blank for this.
Scanning profiles gets to be like channel surfing.
Scanning profiles gets to be like channel surfing, driven by the anxiety that you might be missing out on something just a little bit better. The most depressing effect of this compulsive browsing was that everyone starts to seem interchangeable: they're all graphic designers/freelance writers/non-profit administrators who like ethnic cuisine/exploring the city/taking their dogs to the park. They all do yoga. Since I live in New York City, everyone was above average — smart, pretty, well-read and -traveled — and at some point, above average started to feel blandly average. The whole process reduced the primal challenge of finding a mate, which most of us still like to imagine involves some kind of unquantifiable human connection — romance or passion or at least pheromones — to something more like shopping.
Objectivists and other advocates of enlightened assholism would argue that all relationships are transactions, governed by the same market forces that govern business. And it's true that there is this aspect to the business of mating: there are buyer's and seller's markets, people trade up, etc. But this is the most bloodless and calculating, least human aspect of our sexuality. Isn't the whole reason we've rejected arranged marriages in this society so that we can make romantic decisions on an other than purely pragmatic basis — choosing people out of love rather than as property? And yet most people, given this freedom, make up impossible Christmas lists of frivolous criteria and then end up selecting mates who might just as well have been picked by the village elders or a world-governing computer for optimal socioeconomic compatibility.
I never did meet anyone through the dating site. In fact, I did something unprecedentedly rude: I stood someone up. What happened was that on my way to meet someone I'd met on the site, I stopped off for a drink with a friend, who not only introduced me to a colleague of hers who was attractive, intelligent, and fun, but also offered us two free tickets to see Willie Nelson that very night. So after some writhing vacillation I texted my internet date and canceled on her, on about an hour's notice. (I did write her later to apologize. She didn't reply. I wouldn't have either.)
Commentarium (44 Comments)
great piece: funny, wry, so so true!
This was a really well-written piece, thoughtful and insightful. I've joined - and unjoined - the same site, felt the same unease about looking for romance via what amounts to a dressed-up google search, had the same odd experience of seeing someone IRL whose face I recognized from the world of online dating. I'm glad I'm not the only one that finds the whole thing a bit off-putting.
Being on that site gave me a lot of hope actually. I had it in my head for the longest time that the real "catches" of women were few and far between. The varitable meat market, and it was pretty much that, of a dating site proved me incredibly wrong. There are so many wonderful human beings to approach that it's almost overwhelming. And in realizing that, made me a lot less tentative about approaching one of them in real life.
The patterns are what really got me though. I got bored one day and did a few dedicated searches. "Shy at first" got me 112,000 results. Unbelievable.
REally wonderful. I love it.
Eh, the article was decently written and honest, but I wish it was written by someone who was really planning to give online dating a chance. It seems like the author never got passed his perception of it as a sad way to meet a partner.
I'm with you on this one.
I use online dating, personally I think it's a wonderful resource and can do wonders if you let it and not care, i.e about any sort of stigma you might have over it, but this article is too hilariously spot on on alot of things that I can relate too what or who I have encountered or dealt with on said sites.
An excellent piece. Much higher quality than the usual stuff on this site.
the author has an interesting perspective on internet dating. he conveyed how i think i've felt about it but never knew how to formulate in words.
"The whole warm complex animal gestalt of her..."
Was your dating profile littered with gems like this? See also: "I can be quite the sarcastic, well-read, well-traveled person with a love for flea markets and I clean up real good."
I'm petite yet when I read "The first thing people notice about me is" my thought was "My smile!", never thought for a second about my height. Now I know what to answer if I ever need to use a dating site.
Don't forget to also tell people that you love to laugh, hate writing about yourself/filling these things out, like all music except country music/rap/heavy metal, you don't play games, don't take yourself too seriously, like sushi, like Eternal Sunshine, and that sometimes people can't handle your honesty.
Then you'll pretty much be good to go.
I was also confused by the number of people describing themselves as "sarcastic" on their profiles, as if it were an attractive asset. Eventually I figured that people were conflating sarcasm with wit and humor. Turns out, I was the one in error -- as any viewer of today's higher-rated sitcoms could tell you, contemporary humor and wit doesn't really extend that much beyond reflexive sarcasm.
Love your writing!!!!
I really appreciated the Inigo Montoya quote, made me smile. Thank you
So great! I agree that it's important to 'get close enough to smell' someone, and to see their 'real' self, not just online persona-words.
Great job!
http://naughtyspot.net
This guy is clearly a verbose dick. The person he stood up was not a "virtual" person but a real one as well. The dating site women are better off without him, including the 'Salinger' Celtic.
Seriously. And what's wrong with sarcasm, as long as it's in good-natured fun and isn't intended to hurt?
Nothing wrong with sarcasm as long as it's not a substitute for wit. Also, calling yourself a "sarcastic person" is pretty much meaningless, unless, maybe, you're so obviously a robot or alien that someone calling you a "person" would be doing so sarcastically?
Brilliantly observant and alive with intellect–Loved this piece. Tim, you're a catch!
Admitting to the throat closing loneliness...not something I expected out of this. But it's true all the same.
Well written. I connected personally with the content, which probably added to my enjoyment. Definitely a piece for singles.
of course this is all erudite and gorgeous as usual, but what i find shocking is that someone like TK had any trouble whatsoever scoring chicks
and I say that-and this is directed to some of you harsher critics- because i happen to know the author personally and he is the lovliest, sweetest person you will ever meet (and absolutely adorable to boot).
Nicely written, although I wish he had given it more of a chance. My own experience with online dating was enjoyable because I did it with optimism and a sense of fun--two things notably missing from this account.
loved the piece. while I was reading a nervepersonal popped up in the top right corner of a very attractive woman whose username was "tallgirlnyc" and her blurb alluded to her being well-read ha. With that being said, the majority of young people(22-26) who use online dating use it to get laid.
I'm on that site referenced in the article (which is spot on); I really really loved this piece. (For the record, my profile references none of those commonly noted profile cliches, but I read about 30 of them a day).
Very well written and enjoyable article!
My favorite True Stories so far! Really enjoyed reading it.
To repeat many others before me, this was truly enjoyable to read. Well written with astute observations.
As one of the "young people," I was (1) surprised you didn't just name the site and also were so intrigued by it (it's OkCupid, for anyone who doesn't know), (2) gave up before actually going on any dates. I would have thought that would be a prerequisite for any judgements.
What's up with this statement? "[W]omen still in their twenties...haven't actually done enough yet for their selves to coalesce."
Interesting to hear a different take on internet dating - not pro - not against - just real --- Four women in four cities take on 365 dates between them. Visit www.3six5dates.com to find out more!
"it's either a Yes or No"..........love it...so true. (great story)
Well written, but as others have said, it would have been nice to read an article by someone who was serious about trying internet dating. I am mid-fifties, was divorced ten years ago, and had a wonderful time dating women close to my own age I met on dating sites. Six months ago I married one of them. Once you learn the etiquette, it is much easier and less awkward than getting set up by friends or meeting people by chance.
Beautiful ending.
Good work. Nerve needs to ditch some of its low-brow blog content and get back to the essays and photography it used to run back in the day.
Nice essay. They really do need a "So what's your problem" question if only to make reading profiles even more addicting.
I thought that this was a very thoughtful article, and it did highlight a lot of the difficulties of online dating. However, I do think that you gave up a little too quickly. From personal experience, I've been very pleased with the end result of going to that same dating site. Sure, I had a lot of awkward conversations via email and spent a long time stressing over the contents of my profile (and had a handful of terrible dates), but it lead me to a wonderful man who is sweet, has a wicked sense of humor, and thinks I'm awesome. I don't think that online dating is right for everyone, but I don't think that it is inherently inferior to meeting people offline. Anyway, great writing and the Princess Bride reference made me smile.
P.S. Also, not every young adult uses it for casual sex. I'm 20, and a lot of the guys around my age group seemed to be interested in having a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Of course, that is my subjective view of it, so take that as you will.
It was a true, not true and sometimes condescending. Try being a person living in a strange city knowing only one or two people then tell me dating sites are are just for people who want to get in relationship or casual sex. There is always that but I've met some great people and friends off that same site. It doesn't make me a sad, lonely person, it just makes me human. I've met a lot of ppl on and off the site but honestly some of the best friends I've made have been the truly honest ones, they're there if you care to look.
Interestingly enough, the only person I've had more than maybe four dates with from a dating site (same one, OKC), I met exactly in this way. He was moving cross-country to my town, and looked for women in his new area to give him the low-down. This quickly went from compelling virtual friendship (as he prepared to make his way here, and I did some forward scouting on his behalf) to... well, things deeper. I believe removing the Sword of Romantocles was the best way for this to have happened.
Well written, but over-thought.
Start over with the last paragraphs about the girl you met in person who you liked. That's how you should lead.
You need more love in your heart, man, not your mind.
I found this hysterically funny. A mini ethnography of the experience of looking for *love* online on nerve but especially a parody So biting and gentle at once. The last time I was Nerve, every man I met had read Things Fall Apart. Agreed. But to advertise it?
Wow this was extremely well written and very insightful and descriptive. I whole-heartedly enjoyed reading this.