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May 13, 2011
This is not to excuse my behavior, which was undeniably caddish, but I do think that the fact that one of these women was real, drinking wine and eating tapas with me, and the other still virtual, must have played some part in my defection. It was easy for me to stand her up for the same reason otherwise sane people toss off cruel insults and threats at total strangers on message boards: not just because the anonymity of the internet enables cowardice and cruelty, but because it makes other people seem like electronic figments, characters in a game, imaginary.
I suspect that the whole elaborate cultural apparatus of dating is just an excuse to get close enough to someone to smell them.
Not long after standing that woman up, in one of the troughs of my confidence/despair cycle, I canceled my account. I don't blame the internet for my failure; I think the site I joined was a good one, as they go. The most sensible people on the site preemptively stressed that they didn't want to get involved in any extended correspondence, just exchange a few emails and arrange to meet out in real life as soon as possible. But I personally have had better results using the old analog approach of going up and talking to women I'm attracted to in cafes or museums. I suspect that the whole elaborate cultural apparatus of dating — coffee or cocktails, dinner and a movie, theater, opera, stargazing and picnics, all the small talk and jokes and stories and strategic revelations — is just an excuse to get close enough to someone to smell them. Depending on the pheromones, it's either a Yes or No. The whole process is effectively over in a few seconds; the rest is ritual.
Not long ago a friend introduced me to a friend of hers at brunch, a writer. I didn't recognize her when I met her, but when I looked up her work online later on, I found a photo of her that seemed uncannily familiar. Eventually I realized she was someone I'd corresponded with on the dating site a year before. She had been one of my more serious interests; her screen name had been an allusion to Salinger, and she had a lovely lopsided quirk to her smile. I was out of town at the time, and we'd talked about getting together when I got back, but somehow, through inertia, distraction, or forgetfulness, we'd dropped out of contact.
She looked a little older than in her photo (who doesn't?) but her face was also more interesting, with high cheekbones and Celtic almond eyes giving her an elfin aspect. And those online images failed to convey her frenetic intelligent energy — her expressions and gestures were wryly histrionic, a comedienne's. But her smile was the same. The whole warm complex animal gestalt of her was unlike anything I could've gleaned from emails or jpegs. The difficult love in her voice when she talked about her father contained a compressed terabyte of information. The things that happen online have some of the same quality as things that happen in dreams, feeling unreal and disconnected from real life, melding together and paling in memory, evaporating within moments after you wake up or sign off. It was strange to meet someone from the internet out in the world and realize that she'd been real all along.
Commentarium (44 Comments)
great piece: funny, wry, so so true!
This was a really well-written piece, thoughtful and insightful. I've joined - and unjoined - the same site, felt the same unease about looking for romance via what amounts to a dressed-up google search, had the same odd experience of seeing someone IRL whose face I recognized from the world of online dating. I'm glad I'm not the only one that finds the whole thing a bit off-putting.
Being on that site gave me a lot of hope actually. I had it in my head for the longest time that the real "catches" of women were few and far between. The varitable meat market, and it was pretty much that, of a dating site proved me incredibly wrong. There are so many wonderful human beings to approach that it's almost overwhelming. And in realizing that, made me a lot less tentative about approaching one of them in real life.
The patterns are what really got me though. I got bored one day and did a few dedicated searches. "Shy at first" got me 112,000 results. Unbelievable.
REally wonderful. I love it.
Eh, the article was decently written and honest, but I wish it was written by someone who was really planning to give online dating a chance. It seems like the author never got passed his perception of it as a sad way to meet a partner.
I'm with you on this one.
I use online dating, personally I think it's a wonderful resource and can do wonders if you let it and not care, i.e about any sort of stigma you might have over it, but this article is too hilariously spot on on alot of things that I can relate too what or who I have encountered or dealt with on said sites.
An excellent piece. Much higher quality than the usual stuff on this site.
the author has an interesting perspective on internet dating. he conveyed how i think i've felt about it but never knew how to formulate in words.
"The whole warm complex animal gestalt of her..."
Was your dating profile littered with gems like this? See also: "I can be quite the sarcastic, well-read, well-traveled person with a love for flea markets and I clean up real good."
I'm petite yet when I read "The first thing people notice about me is" my thought was "My smile!", never thought for a second about my height. Now I know what to answer if I ever need to use a dating site.
Don't forget to also tell people that you love to laugh, hate writing about yourself/filling these things out, like all music except country music/rap/heavy metal, you don't play games, don't take yourself too seriously, like sushi, like Eternal Sunshine, and that sometimes people can't handle your honesty.
Then you'll pretty much be good to go.
I was also confused by the number of people describing themselves as "sarcastic" on their profiles, as if it were an attractive asset. Eventually I figured that people were conflating sarcasm with wit and humor. Turns out, I was the one in error -- as any viewer of today's higher-rated sitcoms could tell you, contemporary humor and wit doesn't really extend that much beyond reflexive sarcasm.
Love your writing!!!!
I really appreciated the Inigo Montoya quote, made me smile. Thank you
So great! I agree that it's important to 'get close enough to smell' someone, and to see their 'real' self, not just online persona-words.
Great job!
http://naughtyspot.net
This guy is clearly a verbose dick. The person he stood up was not a "virtual" person but a real one as well. The dating site women are better off without him, including the 'Salinger' Celtic.
Seriously. And what's wrong with sarcasm, as long as it's in good-natured fun and isn't intended to hurt?
Nothing wrong with sarcasm as long as it's not a substitute for wit. Also, calling yourself a "sarcastic person" is pretty much meaningless, unless, maybe, you're so obviously a robot or alien that someone calling you a "person" would be doing so sarcastically?
Brilliantly observant and alive with intellect–Loved this piece. Tim, you're a catch!
Admitting to the throat closing loneliness...not something I expected out of this. But it's true all the same.
Well written. I connected personally with the content, which probably added to my enjoyment. Definitely a piece for singles.
of course this is all erudite and gorgeous as usual, but what i find shocking is that someone like TK had any trouble whatsoever scoring chicks
and I say that-and this is directed to some of you harsher critics- because i happen to know the author personally and he is the lovliest, sweetest person you will ever meet (and absolutely adorable to boot).
Nicely written, although I wish he had given it more of a chance. My own experience with online dating was enjoyable because I did it with optimism and a sense of fun--two things notably missing from this account.
loved the piece. while I was reading a nervepersonal popped up in the top right corner of a very attractive woman whose username was "tallgirlnyc" and her blurb alluded to her being well-read ha. With that being said, the majority of young people(22-26) who use online dating use it to get laid.
I'm on that site referenced in the article (which is spot on); I really really loved this piece. (For the record, my profile references none of those commonly noted profile cliches, but I read about 30 of them a day).
Very well written and enjoyable article!
My favorite True Stories so far! Really enjoyed reading it.
To repeat many others before me, this was truly enjoyable to read. Well written with astute observations.
As one of the "young people," I was (1) surprised you didn't just name the site and also were so intrigued by it (it's OkCupid, for anyone who doesn't know), (2) gave up before actually going on any dates. I would have thought that would be a prerequisite for any judgements.
What's up with this statement? "[W]omen still in their twenties...haven't actually done enough yet for their selves to coalesce."
Interesting to hear a different take on internet dating - not pro - not against - just real --- Four women in four cities take on 365 dates between them. Visit www.3six5dates.com to find out more!
"it's either a Yes or No"..........love it...so true. (great story)
Well written, but as others have said, it would have been nice to read an article by someone who was serious about trying internet dating. I am mid-fifties, was divorced ten years ago, and had a wonderful time dating women close to my own age I met on dating sites. Six months ago I married one of them. Once you learn the etiquette, it is much easier and less awkward than getting set up by friends or meeting people by chance.
Beautiful ending.
Good work. Nerve needs to ditch some of its low-brow blog content and get back to the essays and photography it used to run back in the day.
Nice essay. They really do need a "So what's your problem" question if only to make reading profiles even more addicting.
I thought that this was a very thoughtful article, and it did highlight a lot of the difficulties of online dating. However, I do think that you gave up a little too quickly. From personal experience, I've been very pleased with the end result of going to that same dating site. Sure, I had a lot of awkward conversations via email and spent a long time stressing over the contents of my profile (and had a handful of terrible dates), but it lead me to a wonderful man who is sweet, has a wicked sense of humor, and thinks I'm awesome. I don't think that online dating is right for everyone, but I don't think that it is inherently inferior to meeting people offline. Anyway, great writing and the Princess Bride reference made me smile.
P.S. Also, not every young adult uses it for casual sex. I'm 20, and a lot of the guys around my age group seemed to be interested in having a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Of course, that is my subjective view of it, so take that as you will.
It was a true, not true and sometimes condescending. Try being a person living in a strange city knowing only one or two people then tell me dating sites are are just for people who want to get in relationship or casual sex. There is always that but I've met some great people and friends off that same site. It doesn't make me a sad, lonely person, it just makes me human. I've met a lot of ppl on and off the site but honestly some of the best friends I've made have been the truly honest ones, they're there if you care to look.
Interestingly enough, the only person I've had more than maybe four dates with from a dating site (same one, OKC), I met exactly in this way. He was moving cross-country to my town, and looked for women in his new area to give him the low-down. This quickly went from compelling virtual friendship (as he prepared to make his way here, and I did some forward scouting on his behalf) to... well, things deeper. I believe removing the Sword of Romantocles was the best way for this to have happened.
Well written, but over-thought.
Start over with the last paragraphs about the girl you met in person who you liked. That's how you should lead.
You need more love in your heart, man, not your mind.
I found this hysterically funny. A mini ethnography of the experience of looking for *love* online on nerve but especially a parody So biting and gentle at once. The last time I was Nerve, every man I met had read Things Fall Apart. Agreed. But to advertise it?
Wow this was extremely well written and very insightful and descriptive. I whole-heartedly enjoyed reading this.