Once upon a time (two months ago), I met John at a conference. When I laid eyes on him, both my brain and cooch simultaneously went "homina homina." If he'd suggested hooking-up, I would have grabbed his hand, pulled him into a restroom stall, and insisted his boy parts make squishy noises with my girl parts. Instead, I had to use every feminine wile in my disposal to lure him into my bedroom. When I finally did, there I was, fondling him through his jeans, ready to kick off my soaked panties, when he said:

"Let's have sex when we know each other better."

Ha, very funny. "We know each other well enough," I responded.

"Really?" he said, "Then what's my middle name? If you can guess it in three tries, we'll have sex."

Eh, Rick? Wrong. Nate? No. Steve? Sayonara.

"So why would you want to have sex with me if you don't even know my basic info?" he asked. (Honest answer: "Horniness moves in mysterious ways.") But now I do know John's middle name, and where he was born, and his favorite childhood movie. I've met his sister, and my toothbrush lies next to his in the bathroom.

And still he refuses to have sex with me.

* * *

Many chicks would call John the model of a true gentleman. These are the exact words he said to me: "When we have sex, it'll really mean something. It'll be worth it to wait, I promise."

"What's my middle name? If you can guess it in three tries, we'll have sex."

Yeah, I get it. There have been times when I've considered wearing a chastity belt. And I've had my fair share of Banana Republic sex: not totally casual, but not exactly couture, either. What John offers me is emotional couture — the sort of dreamy stuff that makes a lot of girls breathe hard. And yet here I am, obsessed with the other kind of breathing hard. He merely smiles and says, "Now you know how it feels to be on the other side."

So, to all the boys whom I've given the "wouldn't it be fun to do the 40-Year-Old Virgin twenty-dates-with-no-sex thing?" — I apologize. I didn't realize the cruelty of the exercise. And to all the boys whom I've used as "dicks in a glass case," I beg forgiveness. Through my suffering, I've developed compassion for the intentionally cock-blocked male. Play on, playas.

Now some of you are probably thinking, What team is he batting for? But I can tell you, John is one-hundred-percent about the ladies. When he watches the video to Benny Benassi's "Satisfaction", he gets those glazed eyes that only straight boys get. Nor is he a promise-ring wearer or some anachronistic prude.

I know because the other night, I was wearing my infamously short "hey, you forgot your pants" dress, sans panties (they disappeared at a party — long story). John appreciated that dress enough to pull me onto his lap and kiss me with his soft, soft tongue. Later he bent me over a railing on a quiet New-York city street, lifting up my dress, and touching me...with his hands.

Commentarium (46 Comments)

Oct 05 09 - 12:43pm
huh

So I hope there'll be a follow up: either this is the most romantic experience ever or he's horrible in bed. I hope it's the former for your sake.

Oct 05 09 - 12:52pm
aj

I agree with 'huh', this needs a follow-up. You've already built this up so much in your head, i hope it somewhat lives up to it.

Oct 05 09 - 2:07am
SD

Good god just shoot me now.

Oct 05 09 - 5:10am
bjc

He could be a straight dude who is not into intercourse. There are lots of dudes who prefer other activities - usually giving and getting oral sex.

Oct 05 09 - 11:19am
dn

you're losing at the mind games!!

Oct 06 09 - 12:50am
ls

He wants to wait to have sex because he "respects you" and yet when is he planning on having sex? HIS birthday. Not your anniversary, or a special day the two of you share. But HE gets to decide when, and it happens to be on HIS special day. Sounds like a selfish control thing to me.

Oct 05 09 - 1:45pm
MJS

Dammit! October 13 is my birthday. I don't think i'm going to get any kind of sex, let alone the mind-blowing kind. Sigh.

Oct 05 09 - 2:00pm
swtp

Um. There's no "canopy of stars" in NYC.

Oct 05 09 - 3:17pm
MM

I absolutely love it!

Oct 05 09 - 3:20pm
rr

If a dude were writing this, everyone would jump up and scream that he didn't respect the girl. "Can't I put it in just a litle? Please please please?" Looks like no means no, but only when it's a girl saying no.

Aug 30 12 - 3:30am
monse

it would be "don't you want me to put it in just for a little?" which isn't that unreasonable to ask a girl youre dating and having sex with (just not intercourse) and she's decided to hold off until HER birthday. males and females are not interchangeable, just the nature of the act for women is more invasive and usually it's easier for a man to hold down a woman and force it between her legs, not the other way around. she's asking if he would like to put it in, not climbing on top and trying to shove it in or lower herself onto it.

Oct 05 09 - 3:31pm
akoo

Thanks, everyone, for the great comments! I'm very surprised - I thought more people would support John's decision to wait. So, to ride on what @rr just wrote: what role does gender and double standards play in this situation?

Oct 05 09 - 4:31pm
jm

all you have to do is read the about the author. a slutty romance blog for the smart, fierce woman? i'll take my prude card and my edumucation, thanks.

Oct 05 09 - 6:02pm
Khal

@JM--Go take your crocheting needles and five cats home right now. Leave discussion about matters of sex (even ones as fucked up as the way this guy is gaming her) to those of us with a pulse.

Oct 05 09 - 6:58pm
vm

dont know how you do it

Oct 05 09 - 6:59pm
GS

Is it really 'respect' for him to withhold something and make you jump through hoops to get it--and even then, only on his terms?

Oct 05 09 - 8:04pm
BJ

STD.

Oct 05 09 - 8:33pm
YH

OMG, you called it BJ. Dude has an STD. It's either that or the head games--HIS birthday? Really? WTF? I hope we're wrong and the sex is mind-blowing, but, uh, it's not looking that promising from the outside.

Oct 05 09 - 9:46pm
SP

Didn't get no sex last year on my birthday, probably won't this year...

I don't know how you both do it, but if it works, it works.

Oct 06 09 - 4:27am
rs

I dunno--having done the insta-bond thing, I think being with someone who's into waiting would be pretty attractive. And wanting is kinda hot. I really don't see the "his-birthday-equals-control" thing. I get where you're coming from, I think, but I also think she's made it pretty clear it's something she wants, too, and maybe the birthday thing is a little controlling, but maybe it's just an occasion. Maybe it would be less fraught if he'd picked Halloween.

Oct 06 09 - 3:34pm
SD

Dude. That's totally romantic and sweet. It would make we want to break him with my snatch. Seriously, once I finally got him in there I would suck him dry like a succubus and make his cock pay for making me wait so long. Still, it's sweet. And now you've got this relationship with a man who really wants all of you. But there is nothing wrong with indulging in a little hit it and quit it every now and then. It doesn't always have to be about the relationship. It's okay to dae like the majority of men do. Again, it's still nice that he tried to show you that he wants you as a person. Spouse creature and I waited a whole week. We'll have been married for 10 years on the 13th. Still the best sex I ever had. *g* Good luck, dollface. ~Saranna

Oct 06 09 - 3:35pm
SD

Sorry about the typo. We=me.

Oct 06 09 - 3:46pm
lbs

I hope that when it happens, it will be mind-blowing and completely satisfying on every level for you. I hope it won't end up in a "Romance" (1999, dir. Catherine Breillat) situation.

I jumped into my lover's bed a week or so after I met him and we've been having mind-blowing the-best-sex-of-my-life for the past sixteen years. For us, the sex is part of an extremely fulfilling relationship where we stimulate and play with each other on every level. I can't imagine either of us genuinely denying the other sex when we want it as physical intimacy is one way we demonstrate how much we like and love each other.

Oct 06 09 - 4:09pm
C

Huh. I had to reverse the genders on this to see if it sounded reasonable. Contrary to what rr says, I think it would be totally reasonable for a guy to beg in that situation. They may be holding out on intercourse but they're both sexually active adults who intend to go there eventually. Her begging isn't disrespectful of his comfort level. Part of the fun for him is in the tease, and in eliciting that sort of reaction from her.

As for the people saying it's a selfish control thing ... Ehh, I disagree. Would it be selfish if they were in agreement? His choices are valid too, as long as he shows that he is also committed to respecting her needs and desires, not just reframing them as his.

It's weird to me, but strangely charming. :)

You have to let us know how it goes, though!

Oct 06 09 - 4:31pm
milo

He's made you crazy with desire. That must be his intent. Does he find you in some way repulsive?

If not, he needs to be counseled with the advice of my Grandpappy "The Colonel": "Don't ever pass up pussy or a fishing trip". Good luck!

Oct 06 09 - 5:59pm
JA

I just hope he lives up to the expectations he's built up for himself by spinning you into a sexual frenzy. You should take control back the night it's about to happen and say, "not tonight". That's assuming you can control yourself. :)

Oct 07 09 - 1:07am
TA

Ha, ha! I could have written this article. I'm living out the same scenario (right down to the "maybe we'll have sex, maybe we won't"), and it makes me question both my desirability & my sanity. Half the time I'm tempted to get what I need elsewhere, but...this has the potential to be staggeringly romantic, if not downright transcendental. My fear, however, (besides an STD, or flat-out bad sex) is Mr. Hold-Out saying "Sorry, no. Not ever.", making this the world's biggest waste of time, and me an easily manipulated chump. Do post a follow-up once the blessed event finally occurs. Hope it surpasses your expectations!

Oct 08 09 - 3:51pm
YRR

I'd run. What about your needs? Too controlling. I'm ok with not having sex the moment you meet but sexuality is a big part of the relationship.

Oct 08 09 - 4:46pm
Bri

First my confession of bias: I have walked down this road in her man's shoes. I'm actually probably more of a cynic then the next guy, and beyond the comments offered, I can imagine a dozen more pessimistic explanations of this man's choice. Yet, I still find it sad that so many are immediately suspicious of this choice, and apparently find it impossible to take at face-value. I hear scant affirmation of the writer's full experience, which includes positive, perhaps surprising elements of insight, and exploration of a new and different way of being in relationship. I am rooting for them. FWIW, I put it in her 10 months into the relationship and she said it was "... ;)

Oct 08 09 - 5:29pm
L

In my experience, in many relationship early on one person wants sex more than the other. This dynamic then builds on itself because the person who is denied sex wants it even more, while the other person doesn't want it so urgently because s/he feels like it's always available. I've been in both roles in different relationships, so it's not just a matter of gender. Once the roles are established they can carry on throughout the relationship, even if both participants otherwise have equally strong sex drives.
You could try to hold back a bit yourself instead of offering sex and see if that equalizes the situation a bit. People want things more when they're scarce.

Oct 08 09 - 5:54pm
Bri

First my confession of bias: I have walked down this road in her man's shoes. I'm actually probably more of a cynic then the next guy, and beyond the comments offered, I can imagine a dozen more pessimistic explanations of this man's choice. Yet, I still find it sad that so many are immediately suspicious of this choice, and apparently find it impossible to take at face-value. I hear scant affirmation of the writer's full experience, which includes positive, perhaps surprising elements of insight, and exploration of a new and different way of being in relationship. I am rooting for them. FWIW, I put it in her 10 months into the relationship and she said it was "... ;)

Oct 08 09 - 7:01pm
Bri

First my confession of bias: I have walked down this road in her man's shoes. I'm actually probably more of a cynic then the next guy, and beyond the comments offered, I can imagine a dozen more pessimistic explanations of this man's choice. Yet, I still find it sad that so many are immediately suspicious of this choice, and apparently find it impossible to take at face-value. I hear scant affirmation of the writer's full experience, which includes positive, perhaps surprising elements of insight, and exploration of a new and different way of being in relationship. I am rooting for them. FWIW, I put it in her 10 months into the relationship and she said it was "... ;)

Oct 08 09 - 7:52pm
Bri

First my confession of bias: I have walked down this road in her man's shoes. I'm actually probably more of a cynic then the next guy, and beyond the comments offered, I can imagine a dozen more pessimistic explanations of this man's choice. Yet, I still find it sad that so many are immediately suspicious of this choice, and apparently find it impossible to take at face-value. I hear scant affirmation of the writer's full experience, which includes positive, perhaps surprising elements of insight, and exploration of a new and different way of being in relationship. I am rooting for them. FWIW, I put it in her 10 months into the relationship and she said it was "... ;)

Oct 08 09 - 11:56pm
mr

Akoo: I really hope this has a happy ending (or coming/ cumming) for you. A few months back I found myself in the rare situation of being in your shoes (or panties). I met this guy in a magically romantic way, fell in love with him and was really attracted to him. For some reason he wanted to do everything else except have sex. i was mad for him so begged him on many occasions, which was always countered with a "we should wait". It was sweet at the time and the first time was very very good. Unfortunately, that was the only good time and pretty much sex after that was a rarity. He either couldn't um "rise to the occasion" or had difficulty sustaining himself. When his erections failed him and me, he seemed disinterested in pleasing me in any other way and only wanted to "cuddle" himself to sleep. When i eventually began to question him about his lack of sexual energy or interest, he turned it back on me, telling me that he couldn't get it up because he didn't feel close to me. Ouch! I now realize that this guy was never sexually attracted to me at all--maybe all he wanted a mother, maybe he is gay, maybe he just has a very very very low sexual drive and expected that I would put up with it because i am after all a girl and shouldn't have any needs in that department. I don't know. All i know, is that withholding sex from a partner is akin to withholding any other kind of love/ affection/ kindness/ romantic feelings from them. And I think we all know how relationships that are based on withholding rather than generosity end up. That being said I do wish you a happy cumming on the 13th. Carpe Diem!

Oct 09 09 - 8:12am
EAW

If you respect someone, you don't figure you know more about her sexuality and body than she does. Let's see: this woman is naturally disinclined towards cooking and inclined towards sex and lots of it. This man is telling her she is wrong to follow these inclinations, insinuating that she does not respect herself or know how to, and that she should be doing things like cooking for him? Yeah, that sounds so romantic. Getting to know a person is not mutually exclusive with physical exploration. In fact, I would say it is pretty crucial. Everyone who mentioned the control factor seems right on to me. He gets to pick when she is ready to have sex. It would be TOTALLY different if he was saying he is not ready to have sex. That would be something for her to respect. Instead, he is deciding when, where, how, and with whom she will have sex, which is just about the most awful, and antiquated sort of relationship a "smart, fierce woman" or anyone, for that matter, could participate in. It sounds more like he is interested in a bdsm/master-slave relationship, and had he approached the subject that way, this could be a mutually conscentual erotic adventure. Instead, it's just really sad.

Oct 09 09 - 8:26am
TASH

This guy reeks of condescension. He says the sex will really mean something like she doesn't know when sex means something, like he has to teach her. Fuck him. Not literally. Dump his ass and go get to know someone who isn't going to teach you what good sex should be. Sex should be whatever the fuck you want it to be and you and your partner should respect one another's views, desires, and intuitions. Even his first night middle-name game is just asshole-ish. So, so, so condescending and gross. On the other hand, she seems to be into it. I just wish, for my own comfort as a reader, and for her mental and emotional safety (although I can't say this article inspires me to wish a ton of mirth her way) that the two of them would recognize this for the control game it is so that each of them has an out from said power play. Sheesh. And don't get me started on the whole judge-y having a drink in a bar versus the apparently incredible merits of late night walks. Come on, Ms. Koo, really?

Oct 09 09 - 3:06pm
FRS

This relationship will end disastrously. His controlling behavior will escalate into 24-hour surveillance of her, jealous rages, suffocating possessiveness, possibly physical abuse. Run,girl,run!

Oct 09 09 - 8:27pm
mpb

Orgasm denial is a pretty standard BDSM game. It can be a fun way to fuck with someone's mind, and as long as the powerplay is consensual (which it sounds like it is here--she complains and begs, but she's also obviously enjoying it), there's no harm done. My boyfriend and I have made "no orgasm for a week" bets, and I've enjoyed tying him up and making him wait hours to come. That might be something fun for her to do when he finally says it's time . . . turn the tables on him, tie him up, and torture him with her tongue and fingers for a few hours before finally letting him get off. Or, maybe more fun in the psyche-out division, get herself off while he's forced to watch. Then untie him, kiss him goodnight, and go home. He sounds like someone who would enjoy that sort of thing.

Oct 10 09 - 2:13pm
dwp

well, at least you have a date in mind to dump this guy. start early. if it's good at the start, it stands a chance to get even better. you are not earning interest on this savings plan. also, buy a vibrator.

Oct 11 09 - 8:26pm
er

John seems to have an Edward Cullen complex.

Oct 20 09 - 12:12am
AJ

Maybe she's the other woman and he hasn't decided whether to cheat or not

Oct 27 09 - 4:02am
hdjj

And here i thought i was the only guy holding out. Though, i've got it alot easier than your John does. My fiance wants to wait as well. Not to say we don't have our sexual tension, cause we do.... i swear that she has a stronger labido that i do, and i'm a sex crazed maniac. And i for one would say we are stronger for it as a couple. We've developed bonds that surpass physical atraction, because we forced our selves to look beyond that. And what joy we have found.

Nov 09 09 - 5:32pm
mtm

maybe there is something to what he suggested then...

Jan 20 10 - 6:41am
PO

STD. Gay. Serious performance and/or emotional issues. Take your pick. Somethin' wrong with that dude. You'll find out soon enough. Or you won't. Either way, the only silver lining by the time this is over (which will not be long) is that fact that right now? Is as good as it's ever going to get. Girls are dum.

Jan 22 10 - 10:10pm
BGS

I agree with SD and C. He doesn't want to have sex, he wants to wait. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. Tons of women want this, why shouldn't a man? Koo obviously doesn't have too much of a problem with it, because she's holding on. I think it's really sweet. People saying 'He's controlling' are being ridiculous. He's trying to get to know her on a more personal level, and seeing her as a person and not just something to fuck. I don't see it as power-play.
Also, it's not like he's not doing anything at all. He's touching her, he's getting her off. He's respecting her need for sexual release. He's building up to the big night.
I do think it's a little weird for him to ask for it on his birthday, I'll admit that much.

Aug 13 10 - 7:58pm
Dani

Its crazy becuase almost everything he hast old you through the hole time you have been together is exactly what the guy i'm with has been telling me. Its driving me fucking crazy yet it still makes me not want to give up on him quit yet .. becuase if it is "respect" then me leaving could be me missing out on an awesome guy.. and hell if he just isn't into sex.. there is plenty around who are!