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May 4, 2010
Homosexual Shmomosexual
Mad Men's Alison Brie shares an especially experimental moment of college experimentation.
By Alison Brie
I went to art school. Now art school is not like regular college. Tai chi was a required course, we had a circus class taught by a bearded lady, and clothing was optional everywhere but the cafeteria. Similarly, the students there are of a different grain. They're very deep and introspective, really open to experimentation of any kind, and they have weird haircuts. In my case, the first year there was fraught with exploration. I learned a lot about the inner workings of me. I learned how to become "a clean sheet of paper"; I learned how to breathe through my coccyx; I learned that pretty much anyone would have sex with me. This at first I thought was because I was "so talented" or "so creative." Later, of course, I realized I was just easy. So I capitalized on it.
Exploring my newfound sexuality, there was, of course, the girl-on-girl action, the crazy threesome with the afros and whips, and the surreal 'shrooms experience where I thought the tree was fondling me but it turned out to be my creepy male roommate with calluses on his hands... gross. You get the picture. I developed this (possibly misplaced) sexual pride, based solely on the quantity of penetrations of my vagina... and not necessarily the quality of the acts therein.
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Later, of course, I realized I was just easy.
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So one afternoon I'm sitting out on the grass with my overly contemplative, self-hating, gay friend Jon, who's recently come out of the closet and thinks it's the worst thing in the world. He hates being gay. He hates that he has to put it in his butt. He hates the creepy art major with the blond comb-over who wants to lay "his poopy wiener" in his mouth. He just hates everything about it. And I feel really bad for my friend. I want to help him. This was, of course, not the first time I'd had to listen to him complain about the hopelessness of his situation, despite the seemingly endless list of available male suitors I'd brought to his attention. I decide it's time to get to the root of the problem and see exactly what Jon isn't enjoying about his newfound same-sex sex. So I ask him, "Well, Jonathan, how many guys have you had sex with?"
And he's, like, "None, ewww."
I am a bit surprised by that reaction. So I probe deeper. "Oh. Well, how many girls have you had sex with with?"
And he's like, "None, hello?! Ewww."
And I think to myself, well, okay, the solution is blatantly clear. Jonathan needs to have sex! With me! Obviously in order to accurately evaluate his sexual preference and come to an informed conclusion, he must explore all viable options. And what if he were to discover he was actually straight? I would have saved him from a life of dysfunctional penetration. Literally my vagina would have been his road to salvation! One can only listen to the despondent rants of a depressed, confused, and sexually ambiguous virgin for so long before one must take action. Plus, who better to show him the ropes than his very own, self-proclaimed captain of coitus, the queen of copulation herself, and not to mention one of his best friends in the whole world?
So I pitch Jon the idea, and though he's a bit reluctant at first, I really give him the hard sell, and next thing you know we're both frolicking down to my room to grab the last condom from my sock drawer and then hurry down to his room before the impulse can pass us by.
We get to his room, a plain, ground-floor dorm room — bed, desk, wide-open space, and this big picture window that looks out at the school pool with those slat blinds that are always incomplete, always missing those essential two slats, as his appropriately are. So I close what's left of the blinds and hop under the covers, he throws on some music and hops in with me, both of us pumping with adrenaline at our own spontaneity, and we're off! We start making out and... we continue making out... and I tear off my shirt, and I tear off his shirt, and I rip off my shorts, and I pull off his jeans... and I'm starting to notice a pattern forming in regards to one person's possible involvement more than the other's. But I choose to ignore it until... I go to put my hands down his undies and he lets out a shriek so loud and so feminine, it's like nothing I've heard in the bedroom before. I pull back, a bit shocked, and ask, "What?"
He's like, "What're you doing?!"
I smile, "I'm going to touch your penis..."
He's like, "No, no no no no no no — I can't, um... That's not..."
I'm like, "...oh. Um, do we need to have a talk first about the fundamentals of copulation... or?"
He's like, "No, no, I can do this, let's just have a no-hands-below-the-waist rule. For now."
Commentarium (133 Comments)
what's best about this whole thing is her chipper, can-do spirit! She must have been a killer camp counselor. Love her.
yea, by pushing people to have sex with her? i'm easy, so i decided to set my gay friend straight? I don't know, but that hardly sounds friendly to me. like, hey I crusade around and fix people's virginity and their sexual preferences like a boy scout because I make sure that they have sex with me. no matter what. even if they are hesitant, uncomfortable, and genuinely scared. awesome. yea that's camp counselor material.
Hey, you found the creepiest, most negative way to interpret this story. Congratulations.
he wasnt forced into doing it though, like he clearly had a choice so you cant blame her for him going along with it
not "setting him straight." just fooling around and seeing what happened. SCIENCE!
anyway, if they're still friends that implies it wasn't devastating to the dude, and the subtext is precisely that you can't switch someone's sexuality no matter how exuberant the effort. and she's hot. 10 points.
@ "yes" - you must be a queer virgin too....cept no way she'd sleep with a tool like you
she loves tool.
Switch the genders of the people involved and you've got yourself a felony. Double-standards are fun!
"Jesse": where do you get your info on double standards? They were both pumped to do it, she used zero physical force, and SHE was the one who was not sober, per his request. Boo hoo, right? White men have it so tough!
Is that really the author's pic at the top of the story?
She's hot!
If I pretend to be gay, will she do me?
Yes that's her, Allison Brie from the TV show Community and Mad Men.
She's hot.
She's famous, she won't fuck you x]
i fucking love alison brie. soo talented and so funny! great piece :)
She certainly is.
She's fantastic. Smart, talented at both drama and comedy (check out Community if you haven't already), and yes, incredibly sexy.
That was hilarious. I wish I'd known someone like Alison when I was in college. I think I'm in love.
Maybe if we put the mattress in the closet...(I failed to see the irony at the time). Hilarious
Oh to be that guy gay and have Alison Brie desperately willing to have sex with you.
Also, this is exactly what art school is like.
THAT WAS AWESOME! touching (no pun intended) and hilarious all at once. i have a new crush now--thanks alison
I think I went to that school.
God where were the hot women like this when I was in college? The only ones at my school that were this promiscuous were the chubby drunk chicks. Damn I missed out on something!
This was SO FUNNY!! Going out to buy this book now...
What do you think?
She is incredibly cute and my newest obsession.
I think I just fell in love with this girl!
That was fucking (well, only briefly) hilarious. I too must go buy that book.
This lady is hilarious.
This Amerislag is exactly the type of Heterophobe straight male hater that made me avoid college like the plague. The type of slag who screws half the campus and thinks she's empowered, then wonders why she's 30 and alone because no man wants her, DUUUUUUUHHHH!!!!!!
I almost got a Feminist BINGO, I started on her numerous use of the CREEPY word but darn it, why didn't she use the "empowered" word, darn
I think we may be soulmates.
I think you may be misogynists.
Yes, Aaron Swanson, clearly no man would want Alison Brie. Who would want a smart, sexy, funny woman that enjoys sex? Horrible!
Uhm was she on Mad Men? That's her from Community. (Cumminity?)
she's on both, dipshit.
i love women that love sex, but I dont like sluts. Sorry Duder. are you a mangina?
yes. she plays pete campbell's wife.
Poor woman; Pete Campbell is a dick.
I hope I'm not the only one who realizes that her Annie character from Community had a story that's basically a carbon copy of this incident.
OMG finaly haha I thought nobody else noticed. Its in the STD fair episode haha
Ok maybe I'm retarded, but I'm not sure what happened at the end. He was confused because her vagina was wet? Did the condom actually break? I don't get it!
For some reason this article makes me sad for Alison. No wonder she has sadness in her eyes.
Methinks Aaron needs to get laid some more.
Or he's really a (woman) feminist incognito.
Jon, I remember it too! I just re-watched that episode. It's funny because for Annie it's proof of how prudish she is, that she's only had sex with a gay guy who wouldn't let her see his penis, and for Allison herself, it's proof of what a free-and-wild lady she is.
I went to the wrong college
Jon? You say his name was Jon? Jon Hamm? Holy crap, Jon Hamm is gay?
Aaron Swanson: the Man With the Two-Inch Wang.
Funny piece - love her!
Slut? SLUT? I say she's a Good Sport! Keep it up sweetheart(Ooooh, Puntastic).
In most cases, when the term sexual preference is misused, it is being used to describe one's sexual orientation. Sexual preference implies there is a preference or choice to one's sexuality, as if homosexuals (and heterosexuals alike) have the option to choose their sexual orientation. This perpetuates the myth that one's sexual orientation is a choice.
You don't choose your preferences either, though. If you like chocolate more than vanilla, you can't choose to change that. Preferences can change, but you can't decide to change them consciously.
I'm confused about the ending like Stephanie above. did he cum after 15 seconds and just think that it was the condom breaking?
this is based off her characters incident in "community", not really her...
Opposite actually.
I love Alison Brie, she's my hero!
@nick: Her character in "Community"'s incident is based off this. Alison Brie confirmed that this story is "based on truth, embellished for comedy."
@ Dave Frankel ... I was responding to the commenter named Jon. :p Not as exciting.
that was awesome
well that was entertaining
Yay, Alison, you are awesome.
I'm 100% gay, now please take my gayness away....multiple times!
alison brie is my new favorite person, she wrote this article and stars in mad men and community.
on a side note, if anyone wants to see a gorgeous video of her they can watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzJSbxjVVjk
wow. what a slut.
Why on earth wasn't the art school I went to anything like this?
Sad western jesus dog gays Us hindu will show you lessons
Does she just sound like a stupid whore to anybody else?
Alison Brie rocks!
you idiots, this is all tongue-and-cheek, all of you reading this as a literal and true account are complete dolts. congratulations on being stupid. this is a JOKE!!!!!! holy shite.
I'm as gay as the sun is bright!!!!!!
Ooof...
I want to go to art school and have friendly, casual sexy time. *pouts*
Man, who knew Allison was a slut like that. I wish i went to college with her. LOL
Men's Health - October 2010 - You can thank me later.
Screw it, I'm going to art school.
I'm not going to claim the piece isn't funny-- if you're at the appropriate empathic distance, it obviously is funny.
However, it's still about extreme cluelessness about consent and about making the guy's life worse rather than better.
Hi! Did you know Alison Brie is in a new movie? You’ve seen her as Annie Edison on Community and Trudy Campbell on Mad Men…but now see her as Ella on Montana Amazon! www.facebook.com/MontanaAmazonMovie
Im not saying homo or hetero sexuality is a choice but sexual preference works as a term... The fact of the matter is that engaging in sex is a choice and homosexuals prefer to have homosexual sex and vice versa... just like I cant choose to be allergic to peanuts but its not like its not possible to consume one, I just prefer not to...
That is the dumbest point I've ever read.
"actually your wrong," you're a fucking idiot. What are you talking aboout peanuts for?
I'm confused about the ending a little. I assume she came because she says oh well that was me. But if it didn't break why did he feel it wet or could it have been just the sensation.
Liam, when ladies are aroused they get wet down there. Not necessarily when they orgasm. Just wetness doesn't indicate an orgasm.
But did the wetness get through the condom? If it did, then it sounds like the condom really did fail in some manner. And if it didn't get through the condom, then why did he think it broke?
She implies that he didn't understand that women self-lubricate. But if he didn't understand that, then what did he think was going on? It's baffling.
Man I think I'm kind of like that gay guy in the story.
It seemed to me she meant that she got her period all over him. Maybe not.
That's very thought-provoking point of view. I intend to return to this site very soon.
Whay are you don't write about politic?
Hmmm... I wonder if Jon in the story is actually asexual. Apparently he thought he was gay when he's never had sex with anyone, hated touching, and worried about gay sex too...
I mean, nowadays most people have accepted homosexuality, but asexuality is still frequently misunderstood.
I like Alison Brie. Didn't expect her to be this wild though.
This ruined Alison Brie for me... Wish I hadn't read it. That was gross
It shows how characters and the actress who portrays it can be entirely different people, that's why they call it acting
:( What a slut! Total turn off. Someone wake me from this nightmare.
bummer read
nonda, I discovered her via Attack of the Show on G4 - so glad i decided to look her up XD
all u guys callin her a slut and sayin she is ruined for u first of all u had no chance anyway second of all u would've had a bunch of sex in college too if only someone wanted to sleep with u
lol I wish I could of met ya then I would of swung from the trees with ya omg what am I saying I would't have been able to keep up with ya Well maybe just a pit stop ; ) Ok time to maybe think of art school Hummmm Hey Alison may I have a recommendation plz. : )
I really went to the Wrong College. This was so hot and funny at the same time. Alison Brie i think I love you
That is the perfect photo to accompany this essay. Absolutely hilarious. I totally have a crush on Alison haha
I don't understand the hate/disappointment in some of these comments. Get over your boner for little Annie Adderall and realize that Alison isn't the character she plays. This piece was obviously, as Alison has mentioned, embellished for comedy and meant to be taken lightly. Everyone did crazy stupid funny things in their teens, and it's refreshing to read about an "experience" of someone who apparently has no hang-ups about sex. If only I'd known her in art school...
This is actually kind of disturbing and really uncomfortable. I think Alison Brie has her head so far up her own ass that she's not been able to see what a hugely arrogant bitch she was and apparently still is if she can twist giving her friend nightmares into a compliment. If the gender roles were reversed, I doubt most readers would find this account, real or fictious, so funny.
The "arrogance" that she displays in the article, like referring to herself as "the queen of copulation," is self-deprecation. She used to think of herself as a sexual prodigy, and now she's looking back, and making fun of herself for being so clueless.
There's nothing in the article that would suggest that she violated him in any way. She pursued the sex somewhat aggressively, sure....but she also was perfectly willing to adhere to any boundaries that he laid out, even the rather extreme ones (like, "no touching below the waist.")
I suspect that when he says that he has nightmares about the incident, he's either A) joking, or B) talking about how repulsed he was by her lady parts, or C) a little of A and a little of B. It's not that unusual for me to witness other gay men going completely over the top when talking about being grossed out by women's bodies, or how awful their sexual experiences with women were. And whenever I've seen that, it was clear that they were exaggerating their reactions for humor value. There are lesbians who do the same thing when discussing men's bodies, and their past sexual experiences with men. It doesn't mean that they were victimized.
Ms. Directed... Id deplore your lack of humor and common sense, but I think Eric has already explained it all.
I do like her a lot too both as a MM and Community fan and thing she's a pretty likeable personn. However, I think that revealing all these facts, true or made up, about her past life in such an explicit way won't do anything to boost her career, she just tries to play the liberated, inhibition-free starlet which I think is as contrived as the librarian spinster stereotype.
I guess she thought that being uberhonest would make people like her more but, tell me really, who likes easy chicks as she admittedly claims to have been one? Sure, you are more likely to make a pass at one but afterwards you would lose respect for her 'coz all she cares about is sex and not to get to know you better and Alison definitely is a much stronger and better personality than the average insecure bimbo who would probably act as one. Nonetheless, her past actions certainly don't define her. She might have done some foolish things when younger and been a female lothario just to get to know herself better but that doesn't mean she still acts the same way, so to dispatch her as a 'whore' is pretty medieval. I am just annoyed by the hint of arrogance this article clearly shows and a bit perplexed by the meaning of all of this...
in this age of "reality"... Im happy she either...
A) Allison and Glover cooked up a great story....
B) Allison told a true story, Ya college is pretty messed up. I was a bit older.. "Community" style.
C) Allison on her own.... WOW! You just made me laugh ALOT! You and Danny are surounded by greats! You are being taught by geniuses! Can't wait for C3
I love Alison Brie, she's beautiful, smart, talented, and funny. She also clearly has some writing talent. I actually appreciate the honestly that she shows, and I'm sure that she isn't still easy. I think you guys are being pretty harsh...
Afros with whips?
Yeah. I almost burst a lung trying not to laugh at the top of my lungs in the wee hours of the night. Kudos to Alison for coming up with such a hilarious article. And guys, do you know her? Then you don't know her. Lol, something obvious that peeps need to recognize. People are so insecure that the very possibility of an actress with an apparently conservative personality having a past where she was a free spirit makes them lose all foothold of sanity. No matter how many times you google her name, she has no connection to you. I really hope I don't hurt anyone with this comment... there would be more fundamental problems to address if that happened....... Peace out! Alison Brie is entertaining and awesome!
I have a huge boner.
I guess it's cool that she's comfortable with her sexuality, but I wouldn't want to date a chick who sucked off every random dude in college. I mean, her gay friend mentioned that he's still coming to terms with his orientation and her first response is to pressure him into fucking her?
Take everything with a grain of salt. This was written for entertainment value and she is an actress. I would prefer to hang out with someone who can tell a good story than someone will edit themselves so that their fans will like them (and now I've sunk to the "someone I can have a bear with argument). Hate the actor love the character, hate the character love the actor but you can't be disappointed because she was doing her job. She is acting not being herself on TV. Although there are elements of this story shared on one of the episodes in the first season of Community so either she is a very imaginative writer, or very good at taking elements from her life and fitting them into a totally different scenario to fit her character. either way pretty talentet
I realize this is a typo and from a long time ago; however, the "someonoe I can have a bear with" argument sounds pretty intriguing, much more so than the banal "have a beer" version.
I agree with you, by the way, Greg, about how Ms. Brie is still in performance mode here. But I do question the persona she chooses to present to her public generally. It's supposed to be a funny kind of edgy, I think, and she's good at it, but sometimes it seems a little crass.
Hahaha someone I too am intrigued by the "someonoe I can have a bear with" argument
this really happened
Annie is kinda of a mess... Plz forgive her... Allison that was funny as hell! If that was all you... Congrats! Though, I did see a bit of Glovers hand in there.
i have the weirdest boner
second that
a great thing ,done boldly but resulted in naught . nice thing for experiment
The commentary is almost as funny as the article.
Not that funny, kinda whoreiffic to tell you the truth.
The original article I meant,sorry for not making it queer
I went to art school...and yes...it's pretty much like that!
Although, I didn't attempt to turn a gay man straight....
Alison Brie is interesting. She has a rare blend of comedic skill and sex appeal, and she's not afraid to mix them, as she does here,--almost to a fault, though, I think. This kind of "hot and (faux) wholesome," schtick is tricky.
It's nice that she can joke (with seeming candor) about sex, and do tongue-in-cheek lesbian photoshoots and satirical webseries sending up sexploitation cliches. And, sure, all actors, especially young beautiful ones, are about sex appeal on some level.
But her cleavage is a not-so-subtle part of her character on Community (the monkey's named "Annie's boobs", for crying out loud). For anyone, but especially for a young actress still establishing herself, there is a fine-line between being open and joking in a kind of meta-, over-the-top way, courageously pushing the envelope, about how much your sex appeal sells, and actually just selling it.
It would be a shame, given how talented and funny she is, if Alison Brie let her own attention-grabbing chest get in the way, so to speak.
Ummm...she doesn't actually write the show, you know. So it was really Dan Harmon and writers who chose the name Annie's boobs for the monkey, and directed her to show more cleavage and get her boobs more out there (as evidenced in some outtakes on the dvd).
The fact that her gay friend is still friends with her shows that she isn't a whore monster. Why the fuck is everyone making him out to be the beaten victim when he could've said no at any point in the proceedings? Also, as someone pointed out above, she went along with every single silly restriction he placed on her (even one that might be potentially dangerous for her ie; getting stoned so that she could be "more out of it", which, with the wrong guy, could've led to a much sadder story.)
Lol, man i would take it in the ass if it mean allison brie is going to teach me in the way of sexual experience. I'm mean i'm no homo but damn that girl is fine.
Annie should have been told that Jon's pretty young, and that we try not to sexualize him.
I really liked this article, and I want to point out that I don't believe she was trying to "fix him", just to see if he was actually gay or not. Since he hated the thought of being gay so much, then finding that he actually enjoyed sex with women would be a good thing. But really, the poor guy was at that primary school level point where you start to learn about sex and think it sounds really gross cause girls have cooties.
love u deeeeeeee
Dear God.............. Seriously.............. I spent forever at an humanities school and met like 95% boring up themselves stiffs.... Alison sweet, you're killing me here darling!
LOL this was strange
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Darn.... I went to the WRONG college! Nothing this excited ever happened at my university. bah humbug!
er... "excit-ING" -not 'excit-ED'... (I hate correcting my mistakes on comment sections. Can't even blame autocorrect for this one.)
Wow, nice slutshaming, y'all. She's funny, intelligent, self-deprecating, hot, meta- and sweet at the same time, so no wonder all your collective heads (pun fully intended) are exploding. Long live Alison and Annie and any other avatars she wants to dream up.
+1
If the story was about a man pushing himself on a woman who was questioning her sexuality, it would be a called a rape confession. He clearly was uncomfortable with the whole situation and rejected her sexual advances. He told her that he didn't want to go below the waist. Her ego wouldn't let her back down (and let this "little fairy"get the best of her). Then she decided to plying him with drugs. Only once he was high and not legally able to consent does she have sex with him. I found her story very creepy. You will note that at the end HIS point of view was that he still has nightmares about this encounter. It is very hard to make a case against a woman for rape but I think the evidence is clear in this case...it is only our social perspectives on the roles of men and women that keeps her out of jail. If no means no, she was wrong and this was rape.
Andrew, that's crap. Alison was doing all this to get Jonathan off. She wasn't using him to get herself off.
The reason rape is such a big deal is that men have always had the power to force themselves on women in a way that women rarely have (and Alison did not have that power in this story).
Alison's story is so far from the rape story that your analogy is meaningless; flip the genders, and it's not funny because it's not the same story. Instead it becomes the story of a guy getting his rocks off using a woman who has barely consented.
Alison's story is funny in part because it's free of that creepiness.
If you make both characters the same gender, maybe your self-righteous analogy works, but me'thinks Andrew doth protest too much (to make a collegiate reference).
Also, Andrew, it was Alison who was high in that story and NOT Jon. While she 'talked him into it' for sure, she also kept asking along the way what he wanted, what was ok for him, and if he wanted her to do anything else/different. That is actually actively asking for consent. He actually says in between that he wants to continue, and he still wants to continue AFTER they take the break to move the mattress into the closet. At any point he could have said no/left or otherwise, this has NOTHING to do with rape stories (in which the catch mostly is that the rapist is pressing for sex, not asking for consent, and implying consent when none is giving). Vocalizing questions in between is asking for consent, pretty clearly.
It looks at first a bit creepy maybe, I agree, but it's also supposed to be funny, and the oddness of the situation makes the comedy work.
She is also clearly using self-deprecating humor to make fun of her own clueless self.
I think Alison is awesome. Having a huge girl crush on her now!
annie's pretty young we try not to sexualize her...
We try not to sexualize her.