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August 6, 2011
True Stories: How I Fell In Love With My Married Coworker
"Loneliness is so far out of the conversation that it took me a year to even realize I felt it."
By Keith McCormick
It started much earlier, but I became aware of it on a Thursday. Wednesday I was out of the office; when I got home, there was an email waiting for me from Sara.
Subject: Walk
Do you want to walk at 12:30 p.m.?
We had started walking for half an hour at lunch, as an office, as part of a fitness challenge (which are always cropping up when you work for the government). Sara and I were the only two who kept it up after the challenge was over. We liked the air, we liked the sun, we liked each other's company.
We hadn't always gotten along. When I started, I made a few too many jokes, and she gave a few too many disapproving looks. Our timing was always just a little bit off. At one point, I resolved to just keep my mouth shut around her.
Fortunately, that didn't last. Vows of silence never really do with me. I talked. She talked. I opened up a little. She thawed out a little. We ended up bonding over photography, of all things. She was taking a class, and even though I'm not a photographer, I knew enough about film to talk about f-stops, depth of field, and composition. (Thank you, expensive, impractical degree.) We became friends. Work friends. Close work friends.
We became friends. Work friends. Close work friends.
So, an email from Sara at the end of a long day was welcome, and it was nice to feel like I had been missed. I wrote back, "Was on site all day, ugh. Tomorrow, though. Definitely." The next day, the Thursday, she called in sick, and when I saw that on the white board, all of the air went out of my tires. The day dragged on, and I drank more coffee to compensate. I didn't even realize I was in a bad mood until someone else commented on it. Then I thought, "This can't be just because I was looking forward to walking with Sara, can it?"
Then I thought, "Damn, I think it is."
Then I thought, "Well, what's so special about today?"
Then I realized it was every day. I realized that in the last six months I had talked to her more than I'd talked to any other living person. I realized how much time I spent thinking about her when she wasn't around. I thought about how I wanted to know what she thought about every little thing. I thought about how I compared every woman I date to her. I thought, "Oh shit. I've got a big fucking problem."
I had a big fucking problem for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I'd met Sara's husband, Anthony, on several occasions. He was a very intense guy, but basically decent. I don't believe in God, and I am generally skeptical about marriage as an institution, but I am a promise keeper. I fancy myself an old-school, my-word-is-my-bond kind of guy, and it's the first thing I respect in other people. Plus, I feel like if you love someone, you shouldn't try to fuck up their life.
After that, all of the other objections (we work together! I don't want to mess up our friendship! I don't know if she even thinks about me that way!) seemed relatively minor. So, I did what responsible adults have been doing since the Stone Age. I resolved not to tell anyone about this, ever.
Loneliness doesn't get its due in our modern, socially networked age. People talk about screen fatigue or anti-depressants or cyberbullying, but whatever happened to old-fashioned loneliness? Loneliness is so far out of the lexicon of modern ailments that it took me a good year and a half to even figure out I felt it. (My previous diagnosis was that I had an extended case of feeling vaguely shitty.)
This, by the way, is not an easy thing to admit for someone who is a loner both by history and by temperament. I like long car trips by myself. I like coming home to my own apartment and locking the door behind me. I like being able to do what I want when I want, and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. So it's hard to admit to loneliness without somehow feeling like the last decade spent largely in solitude has been a huge mistake.
It's hard not to see loneliness as a failing.
Which brings me to the other difficult thing about loneliness. It's hard not to see it as a failing. After all, any reasonable, kind, moderately well-adjusted person should be able to make friends, should be able to meet a mate. It's not like anyone else has anything better to do. In some ways, admitting to loneliness is admitting that you fail at being a social animal. It's also hard to discuss it with friends without it feeling accusatory. It's easy for, "I'm lonely," to come out as, "Why don't you call me more often, asshole?" And if, through some moment of drunken honesty, you do blurt out how you feel, the next time that friend invites you over to dinner just feels like pity.
Commentarium (70 Comments)
That was lovely.
Right. I feel like crying
Great story, thank you.
wonderful story.
I loved the loneliness passage. Kind of blunt, yet somehow beautiful.
Ditto.
OK, so work with me ..on the subject of loneliness..movie called, "My Life as a House" from mid-90's (i think)...man disconnected from ex-wife and kids, etc...gets news he has cancer, asks a nurse for a hug because he realizes he hasn't had any physical contact with another person in years..so moving and hit home..I need to see that movie again
Actually "Life as a house" (2001) or so says IMDB.
I need to see that movie. The loneliness this author writes about can be emotionally crippling. I'm quite extroverted, yet living alone in a large city really does suck. It's like that Seinfeld episode where Jerry makes a joke about how easy it is to make friends when you're in college, etc, but not once you're an adult in the 'real world'. So true.
Very cool story. I liked that even though he didn't believe in God or marriage as a whole, he respected her boundaries.
its called being a decent person.
you win for the most awesome comment kman. I wish Icould shake your hand!
What kman said.
ditto.
LIKE
Jeez, change a few details and this could've been a story about the last month of my life. Very nicely done. Hits very close to home. Good stuff.
Beautiful story. Enjoyed it all. And enjoyed his sense of goodness to genuinely feel happy for her.
More proof that babies ruin everything.
+1
Rule number 47 -- no matter how tender and sweet a story, someone will find a way to make a cynical joke. In this case, cynical and hilarious...
Yak Yak
This was amazing.
So if he confessed his love to her on the last day of work, how does the last part fit into the story? Shouldn't they already have gone their separate ways?
That was a fantasy sequence.
Was it really a fantasy sequence? I found that part confusing as well.
I think the big confession on the last day of work could be read as the fantasy sequence, while the pregnancy announcement was the wake-up call that put their relationship into perspective.
The grammatical colon he uses confirms that it was his fantasy to eloquently spill his guts.
Isn't the climax of this thing from last week's episode of the show "Louis"? C'mon, man.
fantastic... plainly told, no nauseating 'writerly' flourishes...just a small little tale, honestly expressed. good stuff.
Excellent writing. You also articulated clearly what so many people have experienced.
I love it. Made me smile.
That story, especially with the reflection on loneliness, shook me to the core. I loved it. I'm going home to cry now.
Beautiful story -- surprisingly tender and very well told.
thank you for writing this. very, very well written story.
also, i needed to read it.
Wow, I know this feeling for sure. I have been fighting this inner battle for the last three years. I work with the most amazing woman I have even met. She is the kind of girl that is just perfect. She is married to my best friend, because of my introduction of him to her. I see her happiness and his love and I know that my silence is needed. This story is so refreshing because in the end I know my loneliness is someone's happy ending. Thanks for making this guys day a little bite brighter.
Good for you. And I know it sounds really trite, but it does happen that you can look back on these things from a different place years later and be glad that you didn't do anything. These pivotal spots in our lives end up becoming part of the journey later on, and enrich our lives especially when we can learn something from them or just appreciate opening our emotions to a new experience without selfishly harming anyone else.
:(
Gah. Loneliness sucks.
Say hi to a stranger today.
great story, love how honest and real it was. bravo
Great story. I really identified with the description of loneliness, especially as someone who can enjoy being alone. Feeling lonely really does feel like it's your fault. Also, I've had the weird realization of being in love with someone who will not or cannot feel the same way.
EmoGirl065.gliteruje.pl - shock!
What else have you written? I'd like to read it.
crfarm@gmail.com
This was so honest and true. Really touching. Great work.
That was great. I cried a little.
That help put a lot of things into perspective... thank you!
Yeah babies ruin everything according to the mermaid theory..
Got a little misty reading that one. Like many others, I can identify with much of what is being said. Feeling alone in your own little world really sucks but is often mocked on some level by the rest of society. People are put down for feeling lonely. But it is very real and deep for far more than would ever admit it.
Yep, a really good piece. Often wonder whether all this "socially enabling" tech we increasingly live with is really just a great big band-aid over societies rampant with isolation, dislocation... loneliness.
I've thought the same thing about the so-called "social media revolution." How come if we're all so much more connected, it seems like more people than ever feel lonely?
Great story. I feel like the hardest part is never getting to verbalize your feelings towards them and never getting to hear their honest response in return. I so wish that the unavailable people I was half in-love with, whom I suspected of being half in-love with me back, would tell me how they felt. Even if nothing came of it, the validation of my feelings and curiosity would be good.
I am not so sure if the validation is of much help. I am unavailable and in love with another unavailable coworker. Expressed feelings and found them to be mutual one fine evening. Been over a year and half and it has been extremely frustrating to say the least.
This made my day, as sad a story as it is. Writer man, I hope you find what you're looking for. Thank you.
amazing! love
Thank you for writing this "Keith." It means a lot to me and I'm sorry, for what it's worth.
Wow. I was stunned by the story. Sounded like my life. I too was very involved with friends. I actually had them in 'groups' as it were: my work friends, military buds (I was a reservist), my outdoorsy friends, etc. So I was busy.
I enjoyed time to myself. After working in sales & marketing, seeing corporate customers every day, it was good to come to my OWN place...and do what I wanted to do...no compromises.
I've always been told that I saw my glass as always half-full, so no worries as years flew by. I could only recount once or twice in my life...perhaps for half an hour...where I felt "lonely." I recall saying to myself, "Hmm...so that's what loneliness feels like." But no worries, I had plenty of time.
I began a Big Brother (aka Surrogate Father) to the young son of a woman I dated. After we split, I kept that up at his request (and her acceptance.) I got involved 'being a dad'...and saw him through grade school...middle school...high school...then he went to the Naval Academy, so I saw him even then. I was best man at his wedding.
Still, things were far from lonely...as the years sped by (I'm not a bar fly, even though I worked in them for a time.) Then, while traveling and eating by myself about 18 mths ago, I finally realized that I missed 'sharing my life' with someone else. Unfortunately, I'm now 64. Where does one find someone now...even though looks, health and job are all doing well, thank you.
Don't wait. The years fly by.
So beautiful. Like a whole novel in two pages. I loved this. And I love that Nerve has some of the best writing on the web. Whenever I see the Nerve email in my inbox I can't resist clicking.... and I'm never disappointed.
It made my eyes all blurry at a given point. Story of so many of us lives. Well written. I want to see more.
such a great write! have tears in my eyes after reading this!
Reminds me of my current situation.. Cannot b selfish. Can only Love her from a distance but wouldn't want to interfere her married life.. I feel happy just for making her laugh often.. Just try to light up her face and bring joy to her life.. I wish I never met her because it's hard sometimes to sit at night and feel pity for not having a chance to meet her earlier..
But i'll b strong & will never reveal the secret
I absolultey cannot believe how much this story is my own. I have never read anything that mirrors my life as perfectly as this. I still don't know which path to take, but I have to stick with the old saying "if you love something, let it go"
We actually do control who we fall in love with, though I think women recognize this more than men do.
After about 30 years of marriage, and especially because my wife is very sick, schizophrenia, and not well managed by drugs, I realized I was thinking about cheating...
Sigh...
I hated myself, I decided that no matter what I couldn't. do it (I made this choice before I met someone.)
I had a technical career, no life sciences, no psych courses. So what do I do now, I counsel lesbians who want to change. And so far two lesbians have stopped having sex with other women. Anyway, I love my wife, I can't cheat, she used to, well, if you're married you know...
So I talk with lesbian's and no, I don't sleep with the women I counsel...
That was great... here's to hoping everything works out for you.
"It's a fine line between keeping a secret and telling a lie" So true
Excellent story! This is a carbon copy the last 6 months of my life! Hits my heart in a big way! Cried when he explained what he was experiencing to her. Also made me smile!
wow...
Amazin story, very well written!
What a life I have; married to a woman who is everything I never wanted, while madly in love with a married co-worker. I keep waiting to find something out about her I don't like, but it hasn't happened yet. The initial attraction was not physical, we just got to communicating on a level I just don't reach with anyone else, including my wife. We seem to understand and appreciate each other on a deep, intuitive level- the soul mate I never had. She knows I enjoy our talks and IMs. I don't know if she knows how deeply I crave it. I don't know what to do; there is a reason they call it "falling" in love, not "climbing" in love. It's like tripping over a tree branch and landing face down in the dirt. I love her! I really do!
o my God ...
I did not read all the story but I have also the problem...
My friend was in love with me , ... I was not in love with him ....
After 16 years I kissed him. He also touched me ...
He is married .,. I know he won't let go her ... He doesn't have children ..
I love him, I want to be with him ... We know each other long time ago ...
Pleas can anyone help me, what should I do ...I need him ... I need him ...
Yup, I've been going through something similar. We are both married. We both love our spouses. We've worked very closely together for thirteen years. We still share coffee breaks, lunches, text messages, and phone calls. We even get together during vacation time, just to talk and catch up. I realize she is my best friend and I crave her company. I get depressed over the weekends when we aren't together. I look forward to going back to work every Sunday evening. We hug, and I've kissed her forehead but we've never been physically intimate. We've said, "Love ya" and "miss ya." and the sexual tension is palpable. Recently I texted her and asked her " in another place or time in our life would we have had a chance?" She replied, "that we probably shouldn't go there". I replied that if she said, "Stop!", I would never mention it again. She replied that, "she didn't want things to get complicated so we should stop." I replied that by now she must know that I loved her; so much that I would never want to do anything to mess up her life. This is eating me up. But........I will never hurt my wife or ruin my co worker's marriage or life.
So happy to have found this article as its comforting to know that I'm not the only out there who is in love with someone who they shouldn't be in love with. From this article, I feel like I can be strong on dealing with this situation, although it hurts to hide your feelings, at the end of the day loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, but to let them be happy.
I'm in love with a married woman. Each time she messages me, I get excited. Each time we meet, I get nervous. I really want to tell her how much of an amazing woman I think she is, but I shouldn't. I feel lucky and happy, that even though I cannot be with her, at least I could provide some laughter and happiness to her. I do remind myself that she is better where she is now, with someone who could provide a happy and financially stable life for her, because I won't be able to provide that lifestyle for her. She's a special woman to me.
Thanks for the article.
Oh, am really feeling the same.... Loving someone who is with a happy relationship... And being close and fantasize everything with that person... kills me to have seen that he was already happy.. But the problem I see him and I can`t let little connection to be cut.... OMG!