True Stories: How My Girlfriend's Mom Learned to Knock

Nobody gets out of this one unscathed.

by Markham Lee

We were at a bar in the Ballard section of Seattle, one of those little neighborhoods caught in a gentrification battle. The bar in question had a name that was more fitting for a hardware store. Natalie and I were on phase two of our first date; after getting sushi down the street, we'd decided to hit this pub for a drink or two. Eventually the conversation led to our families, and I noted that I had two brothers, one who lived in Oakland, and another one who lived with my mother. "Don't get me wrong," I explained, "my mom likes having the company. But living at home just gives him an excuse not to put the work in to live on his own, something he's never done."

"Hey!" she said, "I live with my mother."

It's worth noting at this point that I didn't know much about this girl beyond that she was stoic and sarcastic. She could have been angry with me; she could've been joking. I really didn't know. I wondered if Natalie really did live with her mother. She could be the type that has a good job and lives at home for free food, rent, and laundry. Or maybe she'd been living with a boyfriend and had recently moved out.

The possibilities were endless, but I really didn't think she was the type to just sponge off her parents, so I guessed: "It's not the same. You have a good job, and you're just being a good daughter by taking care of her."

"No, it's not like that. When I was in grad school, she needed help buying the house so I agreed to move in with her. But it's my house too, I pay rent and I helped her do a lot of home improvements." 

"Well, then, that's totally different than my brother."

"I know; I was just fucking with you. You should've seen the look on your face."

"So how does that impact your social life?" I asked.

"It doesn't. I mean, I only bring home guys who are significant, but it's my still my house, and I can bring people home if I want to. My mom just ignores them until it gets to the point where it's something serious."

We wound up having to put her dog outside the room after a most disturbing incident.

I thought I had dodged a bullet, but Natalie was really hard to read. She seemed coolly detached from the situation, an automaton sent to study me and determine if I was worth the time investment to date. (It didn't help that she all but said as much about five minutes later.) After we hugged good night about an hour later, I wondered if I'd screwed myself with the living-at-home comment. 

It turned out that I had, but not in the way I had thought. 

Several months later, Natalie and I were still dating, and her icy façade had completely melted. She was no longer the woman who was looking at me with a bored expression on her face; she was the woman who was making me late to work because she wanted to snuggle for another thirty minutes in the morning. Interactions with her mom were fine, I guess. She and Natalie had rooms on different floors of the house, and aside from a "Hi, Markham, bye, Markham," our interactions were minimal.

One evening, I cut out of the office a little early, picked Natalie up from work, and took her out to an early dinner in the U District. After our snack, we went back to her place and were just hanging out in her bedroom. Getting under the covers to "snuggle" soon turned into sex, and we wound up having to put her dog outside the room after a most disturbing incident in which her dog licked my bare ass.

About five minutes later, we heard her mom and her mom's boyfriend downstairs. They'd taken an early afternoon nap and not heard us come in. We suddenly had to be quiet as we didn't want her mom to hear us. Between a slightly creaky bed and the larger problem of having sex without emitting any happy vocalizations, this was pretty challenging. Outside of the room, we could hear her mom talking to the dog, asking him if he wanted to go for a walk ("Rio! Rio! Where are your leash and the poopy bags?")

I could hear her mom walking through the house, rifling through things, trying to find the leash. To be honest, I wanted to stop, but we were at a point where if I had decided to stop, dismount, whatever you want to call it, I'm pretty sure Natalie would've murdered me. Eventually I stopped caring or even paying attention to what was going on outside, until the door opened, and there was her mom, staring at us in shock.

When you're caught naked in bed with someone, under the right circumstances, you can talk your way out of it. If you're just in bed under the covers, you can make that seem sweet and intimate — you're cuddling, just holding each other. You can even claim that "nothing was going on — we were just sleeping." If you're caught doing it missionary, moving slow, looking into each other's eyes, you're just making love — good, wholesome intercourse, Republican-approved (except for the premarital part). If she's on top and the interloper isn't your mother, well, she's the one exposed. You can at least escape the embarrassment of your girlfriend's mom seeing you naked while you're having sex with her daughter. 

But there is no way to romanticize standing doggy style. Especially when she interrupts seconds before climax. (I can remember having a conversation in college where a couple of the girls in my friend's sorority said they would never do it doggy style because it's "too much like fucking.") So there was my girlfriend's mother with a shocked look on her face that said very simply, "Oh my God, he's pounding my daughter."

I have to admit that I thought back my comment about people living at home and thought, "Karma." Natalie dived away from me as if she was trying to hide on the other side of the bed, and I followed suit. Her mom said "Sorry!" and slammed the door. Seconds later, I could hear her yelling excitedly, half in English and half in Japanese, as she, the dog, and her boyfriend all scurried out the door. 

Commentarium (16 Comments)

Apr 25 12 - 1:30pm

I loved this story!

Apr 25 12 - 1:59pm

Thanks for the reminder to tighten up that loose screw on the side of our bed.

Apr 25 12 - 2:00pm

you know what this story is about? It's about the author finally accepting that he is an adult, and that parents are just people-- There's a point where you stop acting like a kid with your parents, and with other people's parents--and you finally embrace being an adult.

And things like that--understanding your own power as a human--is why being a grown up is so awesome.

Apr 25 12 - 3:40pm

I remember the first time I took a girlfriend home to my parents' house for Thanksgiving a few years ago. I was in my late 20s and hadn't had a girlfriend in some time, so I was a bit awkward about it, and when my mom offered us the queen sized bed in the guest room (which was squeaky and was located directly over the living room), I declined and said we'd take the full sized bed in my own old room. Later I commented to my mother that I would have felt like every time we moved in the bed, I didn't want her to think we were getting it on and she just shrugged and said "Whatever, you're both adults."

It then dawned on me that obviously my mother knew we had sex and honestly didn't care. Hell, she was probably glad I was finally getting some on a regular basis.

Apr 25 12 - 2:14pm

It's much easier when your children bust in on you in those circumstances. Tho depending on their age the shock to them can be much worse.

Apr 25 12 - 6:01pm

Reminds me of a line from British comedian Jimmy Carr - "I always imagined it would be my mother walking in on me masturbating."

Apr 25 12 - 10:33pm

This story seems fake and the guy that wrote it seems like an asshole.

Apr 25 12 - 11:56pm

A story is a story, fake or not, though I don't see why you don't find this one credible. But how is the guy an asshole? He seems okay.

Apr 25 12 - 10:49pm

LOCKS people!!! I think it's hilarious that the guy was so embarrassed after, what a sweetheart.

Apr 27 12 - 6:45am

I think the funniest part was when her dog licked his bare ass.

Apr 28 12 - 2:08am


Apr 28 12 - 7:22pm

Did anyone notice the author's girlfriend is Japanese? Yeah, her mom speaks Japanese and makes him traditional Japanese breakfasts, he's banging a Japanese girl everybody! Congratulations buddy!

Apr 28 12 - 11:16pm

Someone's jelly!

May 04 12 - 7:15pm

Yet another great story by Markham Lee! It reminds me of a story I heard about a guy who was banging his high school girlfriend in the family's backyard pool. She had her back up against the edge of the pool nearest the house, and he was facing her, and thus the back of the house. At one point he looked up to the upstairs level of the house and saw his girlfriend's dad. In the window. Staring him in the eye. Classic. I don't think any traditional Japanese food was exchanged over that one.

Aug 03 12 - 11:52pm

Why bring politics into a perfectly good story? I'm more libertarian than republican, but that doesn't stop me from being a kinky little perv. It isn't offensive, it's just that it is such a tired, old cliche. Now, if you were to say something like "catholic approved" or "southern baptist approved", that'd make more sense. Then again, im sure someone would pipe up, bitiching about offending their religious sensibilities. Trust me, there are plenty on the right who enjoy a good old kinky fucking and aren't afraid to admit it.

Sep 05 12 - 8:35pm

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