OBJECTIVE: Twenty-something man seeks woman with gentle smile, contagious laugh, and Zen-like understanding of past misdeeds.
Melissa Katz, December 15, 1999 – February 18, 2000 (Age 15)
- French-kissed during spin-the-remote celebration of fifteenth birthday; tongue swished against her braces like a toothbrush.
- Engaged in dry-humping sessions on leopard-print bed under poster of The Exorcist.
- Denied accusation that I was dating her only because two other freshman girls had turned down my invitation to see The World is Not Enough.
- Suffered dumping by Melissa's friend over telephone: "She says you just want a girlfriend, any girlfriend."
- Gave Melissa three carnations and strawberry Ring-Pop on Valentine's Day.
- Resumed dry-humping.
- Became angry at friends who alleged Melissa was stupid because she asked geography teacher what the capital of Africa was.
- Watched Melissa play with aluminum-foil wrapper of Wendy's hamburger, folding foil into little pockets and staring at her ketchup-stained origami with deliriously toothy smile on her face.
- Heard rumor that Melissa, in fits of laughter, had chased her friend around the kitchen with a steak knife.
- Dumped Melissa by telephone.
- Denied rumors she spread about "small penis"; did not spread own rumors of her kisses tasting like chicken fingers.
Masturbation 1999- 2003
Tara Mills, April 20, 2003 – June 2, 2003 (Age 18)
- Slow-danced with Tara at my senior prom after our original dates had collapsed into a Smirnoff-scented embrace.
- Lost myself in the mole on her upper lip like the tip of a Hershey's kiss.
- Touched her belly-button ring with my thumb.
- Fell asleep with her on the couch at friend's poolhouse and woke up with hand on the perfect small of her back.
- Comforted her after learning her first boyfriend had pretended he didn't hear her say "stop" the first time they had sex.
- Learned she wished she was still a virgin, like me.
- Rubbed hard against her until I came in my boxers just as her panties had started to get wet.
- Turned speechless when she told me she talked to her father about blowjobs.
- Answered "Next week," when asked if I'd like to finger her.
- Got dumped by her the next week.
- Took brief sabbatical to vote in 2004 presidential election.
Lindsey Aria, October 5, 2005 – January 15, 2006 (Age 20)
- Met at her older sister's apartment party and fielded questions from Lindsey like I was a celebrity and she was an investigative reporter. ("What does your dad do? Your mom? When's your birthday? What do you want to do when you grow up? You did the M.C. Hammer move at your middle-school dance? Can you show me?")
- Refused to let her read my private journal: "What are you writing in there about me?" she asked. ("I study her figure in the mirror; she does have some fat on her, I think I was denying it earlier. She’s still beautiful obviously, but I do wonder how she’d look if she lost ten to fifteen pounds.")
- Angered her after she gave me a blowjob and asked how it was and I said a little dry, but there were websites with tips: "What do you mean? How could you say something like that?"
- Argued with her over the phone about whether or not she had a right to read my journal.
- Broke up with her the first night back on campus after winter break in front of the gymnasium. "Why do it here, out of all places?" she asked.
- Stopped answering her questions.
Madeline Weiss, April 20, 2006 – April 22, 2007 (Age 21)
- Loved how she bounced as she walked, her glistening blue cello case bobbing like a tortoise shell on her back.
- Stared into her maple-syrup eyes until mine watered.
- Bought her roses not for a holiday, but just because.
- Told her, with my heart beating beating beating, that I loved her.
- "Made love" to her on carpet of basement den of her parents' lakehouse. (Realize "make love" sounds cornball, but hopes exception can be made for soft touches and rug burns on legs.)
- Feared she might be pregnant before her period came; was ready to plunge into $2,000 savings from teaching summer tennis lessons to support whatever decision she'd make.
- Told her that, since I was a college senior, didn't see myself going to Mexican restaurants anymore with her sophomore friends and their spilled margaritas.
- Wondered whether she understood me or was just pretending when she'd laugh at my jokes in a ha-ha-he-he way.
- Made unfunny quips just to see if she'd giggle.
- Apologized when she told me she felt like some kind of analysis project for me, and that she didn't look at me that way, she just took me for who I was.
- Considered telling her I not only "loved" her but that I was "in love" with her; could not say those words.
- Quit buying her just-because flowers.
- Split up before graduation; she ended it, but said she had to, because I'd stopped trying.
I am ready to try again. References are enclosed.
Thank you for your consideration.