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April 27, 2012
"What?"
"I surprised you come over," he whispered, then took the position of the big spoon and buried his head into my neck.
"Why?"
"I no think you come over if we no have sex."
I'd blamed being single my whole life on the fact that I always ended up with emotionally unavailable men.
"What? That's crazy," I said. As I lay there, though, letting him fiddle with my hair, I started to wonder why I had come over. It wasn't like me to only cuddle with a guy I'm sleeping with. Wait a second, I thought. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I started thinking back to all my past love affairs. They hardly resembled the ones you'd see in movies. In fact, to call any of them a love affair was an exaggeration — in truth, they were nothing more than glorified booty-calls.
To think, all these years I assumed these non-committal terms were dictated by my lifestyle or the guys. I'd blamed being single my whole life on the fact that I always ended up with emotionally unavailable men. But really, I was the one who only texted, who never let guys set foot in or even see the inside of my truck (or, now, apartment), and who never went out in public with them. They were like dirty little secrets that I only saw between the hours of ten p.m. and six a.m. Anonymous guys I referred to by code names like "The Former Mormon" or "Yo Diggidy" or, now, "The Brazilian."
At the age of thirty-three, I thought dating was like a soccer match and guys, especially Brazilian ones, wanted nothing more than to kick the ball through my net. But perhaps it was boring for them to just shoot goal after goal after goal. I was always just so happy that handsome guys wanted to play with me at all that it never occurred to me that maybe grown men are different than teenage boys and could be interested in more than just scoring.
After our cuddling session, the Brazilian and I gabbed for hours about what it was like for me to grow up in Tennessee and for him to grow up in Brazil. It was like traveling to South America, but on a mattress! It turned out that getting to know one another was something people did when they're sleeping together, and it was super-interesting!
The next morning he texted me.
"Our last night together."
This time, I called him back.
"Let's get dressed up and go on a date tonight."
I let him pick me up, take a tour of my apartment, and hold my hand on the subway. (A first!) We ate falafel together at a restaurant, and I even let him pay. And at the nightclub later on, when guys came up from behind and tried ramming their junk in my back, I shooed them away, saying, "Stop! My boyfriend's in the bathroom." Who would have thought clubs could be more fun with a dance partner (and a cock block)? And for once, it was kind of nice being spoken for.
We rode home from the club in a 1980s dented stretch limo. Our driver was missing three teeth, wore sweatpants with holes, smoked a cheap cigar, and blared Beyonce's "Single Ladies" at full blast. Mind you, that's all the Brazilian could afford on a dog-walker's salary. But still! I felt like a princess. I even had the driver take a photo of us together. It's the only photo I have of me with one of my lovers.
The next morning, as I drove away from NYC, I texted the Brazilian a picture of me blowing him a kiss, in which he replied:
"I think straws just drop from my eyes."
Sure, we still had a few language barriers, but at least I was talking to my lover — a lover I now refer to by his real name. It's Luiz.
Want to meet an emotionally available Brazilian? Nerve Dating fala Português.
Commentarium (46 Comments)
You agreed to go on a dinner date with him but packed a sandwich and ate that first? That's so obnoxiously passive-aggressive. You sound awful.
Agreed. This whole story was so obnoxious.
I think that was the point, that she wrote these things to demonstrate how obnoxious she was prior to her epiphany.
The dinner thing also frustrated me while I read it. I've gone to dinner a few times with a guy who barely ate anything, and it made me feel like crap. However, I agree with JCF. She did a great job at portraying how awful she was, and I laughed my ass off.
Also - gear and rations for a sleepover? Too funny.
Except that she demonstrates in this article no awareness or regret for her rude actions.
@kas Then I think you demonstrate no reading comprehension. She goes through a transformation in the article. That's the point of the article, is to describe how she learned a lesson. Although I do NOT think going on a dinner date and not eating anything is that terribly rude. She still kept him company, and saved him a few books.
Really, with that and the handful of almonds, I just kind of assumed she was obsessed with food.
I liked it. I found it to be kind of fascinating actually. She's clearly scared of intimacy or something and hides behind being tough and beating guys to the punch. I know a lot of women who act this way ....just maybe not in as bizare circumstances.
also, please stop saying 'lovers' every seventh word. please.
I kinda wanna see her butt now.
Some people have very serious trust issues for very good reasons. This story is obviously about how this person overcame some of hers, how difficult the realization was for her, and how it changed her. I think it was beautiful.
This.
Agreed.
Ditto.
yes
Indeed.
An honest romantic story from a female that isn't a representation of stereotypes and cliches. A human story by a female. Hard to swallow for some, I see. That's what Jennifer Aniston movies are for folks ;)
What a gorgeous story. Letting yourself be loved and appreciated is the best gift you can give yourself. I'm going to go cuddle something now...
"I have special sheet" & the names like Yo Diggity made me lol. I think the article's like really sassy but honest, and I dig that.
"... sometimes grabbing it like a pile of dough and shaking it wildly while murmuring sounds of approval. "
T-the imagery! I can't.
Surprised by the disapproval from some of the comments here. I really loved this one and made me feel better about some of my failures.
Cute!
Insufferable. The sandwich maneuver was tacky as all get-out. And as someone else noted, the constant referrals to "lovers" is vomit-inducing.
I’m in the annoyed camp (mostly because some of this hits a little too close to home). First, the eating before going on a date was just really fucking rude. I don’t care if you have commitment issues, that doesn’t give you a pass on simple manners.
Second, she talks about this relationship like it was some big leap forward. She’s 33 years old, and managed to stay in a “relationship” for 30 days and then ditched him. The majority of the time she really never acted like she was in a relationship. At most, baby steps, but she ain’t getting a sticker and a pat on the ass from me.
Lastly, we tend to romanticize gypsy life styles like hers, but too often these people are inconsiderate assholes (here’s the hitting-home part). This is how my 25 year old sister lives, moving from state to state, country to country; pursuing her adventures and mooching off of people. I love when she criticizes my office job and straight life style, and then eats my food and crashes on my couch. I’m not saying the writer is necessarily like this, and maybe I’m just projecting; but she does annoy me just like my sister
You may be right about her inconsiderate personality type, but I'd like to point out that she did bring her own food and water rations to the sleepover. LOL! I'm still laughing.
dave, who exactly romanticizes gypsy lifestyles? i'd be interested to hear your opinion. and not all gypsy-esque people are like your sister, i know plenty who are forging a life that means something to them on their own and just want you to respect and listen to them.
He danced well and wore a scarf in NYC. My first thought wouldn't have been "foreigner"...just saying.
And YOU would have been wrong.
I don't get why people are so annoyed. she's making fun of herself for being the unemotional asshole in the relationship. I like that this isn't another cliche story about women being the ones who always want commitment. at least she calls herself on her shit then does something to change. isn't that the point of a story?
This.
Also, yes. Yes, that is the point of a story.
Yeah, it was a good story. I started off thinking, man, you're fucked up, then realized she saw it herself later.
Also: Nice dialogue!
Uh, jg and loop ... She uses the term "lovers" exactly once. You guys must have issues of your own if you call that "constant".
Actually, it's 4 times. (And, at her peak, 3 times within 4 sentences).
"at least she calls herself on her shit"
I'm not quite sure that she grasps (or acknowledges) just how much of a passive-aggressive douchetastic move the sandwich thing was, though. That's just spectacularly bad manners, and calculated to make the other person feel like shit -- and if you're the kind of person that does that sort of thing, it doesn't go away after some pithy bedtime revelation.
I guess you could say that her description of his reaction as a "hissy fit" is some sort of unreliable narrator technique, i.e. filtering her description through the perceptions of her formerly-narcissistic self, but I don't really buy it. The impression of the author I get from this story is of yet another highly narcissistic person who glides lightly on the surface of life and thinks she's a free spirit, but is actually a self-involved coward whose happy-go-lucky nature masks the fact that she doesn't really care about anyone but herself. And if she seems to makes some progress by the end, it still seems to me that her experiences are predicated on novelty ("It turned out that getting to know one another was something people did when they're sleeping together, and it was super-interesting!"), and not depth.
Having said that, I enjoyed the article, actually! But if you meet enough people who are like what the author presents herself as being, then you realize that the world doesn't really need more fly-by-night types. There are, after all, people in the world who are inspiring and complex and pleasantly unpredictable, but also compassionate and considerate and well-mannered. Knowing that there are people out there who meet that standard, it's hard to want to support the efforts -- literary or otherwise -- of those who don't.
Bingo - well said, every word
I don't think it's a *date* like the title suggests if they've been having sex regularly already. So I would say she still hasn't been on a date.
Exactly my reaction. Halfway through I was like, is she going to meet someone else, or is this about the guy she dry-humped at a club until 4am? And also... clubbing until 4am at age 33? Hmmm.
I'm saying. All the thoughts, habits, and insights displayed in this article seem more likely from a 22-year-old woman.
Ha. Having ridden the snowboard and mountain bike dirtbag lifestyle too, I relate all too well to her insecurities about relationships. Seasonal men (and women) in ski towns are vagabonds, chasing the next pow storm and living for their adrenaline fix. Committing to anything more than sticking their landing after hucking off a cliff isn't exactly a shining trait among these types. And when you're surrounded by a seasonal lifestyle that's as fickle as the mountain weather ("No friends on a powder day!"), it gives you a warped sense of what constitutes a "normal" relationship...
i had a similar ambivalent reaction towards this piece as many of the commenters--at first, i couldn't understand why she was so difficult on her date even though she had agreed to go on it. and did it really take her 33 years to figure out that people sleeping together/in any sort of relationship (physical or emotional) often take time to get to know each other? that scares me, especially since she spent 4.5 years in one place and could have taken advantage of no longer being a nomad. but, at the same time, it's a fascinating exploration of self in relation to others. this is clearly a woman who prides herself on being adventurous and discovering who she is, and i applaud her for that.
The woman who wrote this has serious lack of self-esteem.
Wow. I am amazed at the conclusions you can all come to after reading one short story. Is this a panel for mind readers? Truly no one can fully understand the authors motivations or personality or make statements about how this author feels about herself after a two page article that captures ONE instance from one month of her life. How do we know she is an asshole? How do you know she is selfish? How do you know what she has really learned about herself other than what she acknowledges in her piece? Can anyone really say they know what the author is all about except the author? Sure, maybe if you read her autobiography you could start to draw some conclusions, but after a tiny window into someone's life can you really determine her worth? What would it look like if we critiqued your whole life after 2 pages of one story?
Girl, I know there is way more to you than what is here in this story. And the people who matter do as well. Keeping putting yourself out there and get yourself a massive shield from all this judgement.
By the way, I LOVE that the thing people who have written seem most upset about is the SANDWICH!!!! Not the graphic sex, not sleeping around. The height of rudeness apparently is eating a Sandwich before you go out!!!!!
I think some of the people responding to this have some serious issues themselves. Jesus! The author is clearly working through her issues but based on some of the person attacks to her character (instead of the piece she wrote), I'd be willing to bet some of the readers havent worked through a lot of their own shit themselves. Personally, I liked this piece. It's funny and thought-provoking. For a 2 page essay, I think this woman did a great job of hitting on some deep shit while making us laugh. Those of you who took the time to count how many times she uses the word "lovers" need to try taking up another hobby that incolves something more productive than tearing people down.
Both this response and the one above fall victim to the "Who are YOU to say?" fallacy. That's the one where you question Person A's authority to have a negative opinion about Person B's behavior, character, or work. People will often do it to protect someone with whom they identify from criticism (and somehow, I'm guessing the last two posters wouldn't have leapt to a male author's defense).
But the thing is, when you write something about yourself, then you subject both yourself and your work to criticism. People react to the person you present yourself as being, and if you behave badly and don't seem fully aware of it (in the voice of an author writing after the fact), they're often going to react negatively. As I repeatedly stated in my own comment above, I'm put off by *the person whom the author presents herself as being* -- a person who still doesn't seem fully aware of why her behavior was unkind and inconsiderate. If she's not really that person -- if she realizes what a douche move it was to eat before a fancy dinner, thereby deliberately ruining the occasion -- then it's her job as a writer to make that clear.
If someone wants to write about behaving badly and not be criticized for it, then there are these wonderful things called "diaries" and "private blogs". Otherwise, criticism is part of being a published writer. No one who can't handle that should attempt to publish anything anywhere.
Whatevs AAC. I'll defend any author I like, male or female. I still don't understand why you picked the sandwhich thing to get hung up on. One detail. But you raise a good point .....only now we're talking about the writing and her lack of explaining her motive behind eating the sandwhich. This is much different than some of the comments above that say things like "an awful person." I think we should definitely criticize the writing, but personal jabs are pointless. I bet the author has an explanation for the sandwhich and maybe If she actually reads all these comments she'll see that this was a detail she shouldn't have left out. As for publishing, who says she can't handle it? We're the ones bitching about the comments. I hope for her sake she's not reading them.. It just makes me angry reading how stupid some of these comments are b/c I too would like to publish stories one day but I hate to think that readers can be so cruel and the comments on nerve always make me reconsider. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there, especially when people can leave anonymous comments about your character based on the opinions we've formed from reading a 2 page essay.
If the author is reading this, please don't stop writing personal stuff just because of this crap.