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March 23, 2010
Sealing the Deal
Nerve readers thought my boyfriend was crazy to wait. Were they right?
By Avatar Koo
Last night, when I was half-asleep, John asked if I was too tired for sex. Of course not. I immediately took off my T-shirt. "Do you want me on my stomach or on my back?" He said either was fine, so I went on my stomach, softly whimpering as he fucked me, hard, till my hair resembled a gnarly bird's nest. Fucked me so relentlessly that I walked to the kitchen afterwards like a saddle-sore cowboy. It was the third time that day we fucked. Or maybe the fourth? Who knows. He and I have so much sex that I've given up recording the instances on my Google calendar. (What, am I the only person who does this?) Our current sex life is so awesome that I can't think of a less cliché word than "awesome" to describe it. But it wasn't always this way.
Last October, I told John I was writing a Nerve piece about our sex life.
"But we don't have a sex life," he said.
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"It makes me uncomfortable that you assume that you're my girlfriend," he said.
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"Exactly. It's about how you want to get to know me before you schtupp me." And then I stopped talking and gave him a blowjob.
I emailed him a copy of "He Wants to Wait" just before it was published. The plan was: he reads it, loves it, and then we have passionate sex on the kitchen table. Instead, John called me as I was walking through Union Square. Ambulances were shrieking around me, so I had to stick a finger in my ear to hear him.
"It makes me uncomfortable that you assume that you're my girlfriend," he said.
I was real cool about it. No crying or drunk dials later that night. Because a cool girlfriend doesn't freak out in public. Maybe she writes an emo-tweet or two, but doesn't admit to perusing He's Just Not That Into You on the floor at Barnes & Nobles. Or to obsessing over skeptical comments from Nerve readers, like:
"You've already built this up so much in your head, I hope it somewhat lives up to it."
"You're not earning interest on this savings plan. Also, buy a vibrator."
"This relationship will end disastrously. Run, girl, run!"
My sang-froid worked, to a degree. Two days later, John called me back into his bed, spread my legs and desperately rubbed up against me. "You're like a drug to me," he gasped, "I can't function without this daily fix."
His declaration should have buoyed me. But even small amounts of doubt are deadly to a canary heart like mine. I needed an unequivocal gesture. "Please, please, fuck me."
He didn't.
Commentarium (29 Comments)
DAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
=D
I found it incredibly awkward. Jeez... neither of you are very articulate, are you?
The semen analogy was enough to make me wince.
so... you didn't mention that oral sex was on the table last time, which makes the whole intercourse thing more understandable, assuming that he was reciprocating. You guys sound a little bit young.... talking things through is usually the way to start before automatically breaking up.
Blow jobs are sex. !
WTF. Clinton/Monica did more damage to truth-telling than I thought.
p.s. did he reciprocate with oral sex too or is this just as lame/gendered as it sounds.
@dee. I agree. The semen things a bit literal. Still, good story.
The first time I fucked my lover was on our second date, about a week after we met, and although we were both crazy about each other, we both had a lot of misgivings about the relationship. I get bored easily and I just dumped my high school boyfriend two weeks earlier (because I was 'in college now'), so I was in this "maybe I'm being needy?" mindset. He was concerned about our age difference (25 vs.18) and would we have anything in common. It took us a good couple of months of seeing each other and having lots of sex before we admitted to each other that we were a couple.
It's been over 16 years now. Yay!
I'm in the same situation right now.
I like the semen line. I think it's really poetic.
I think the writer's boyfriend is a gigantic dick who got off on holding her feelings for him over her head. Clearly, the man loves having the upper hand.
I found this piece to be very honest about the emotions surrounding sex. (And yes, blow jobs are sex. To be really specific the writer should explain they were holding out on penetration sex) In any event, I enjoyed the article. Well written, well played.
I disagree that blowjobs are sex. They are blowjobs. Sex is intercourse.
this a sweet follow-up to the earlier story, and i'm glad that it seems things have worked out for the writer. But i stand by what i thought when I read the first installment - i thought, "he's not holding out on the sex purely because he wants to wait, he's holding out to have the upper hand and to maintain a feeling of control and distance." after reading this second installment, I think that proved true. So while i'm glad things eventually worked out, i don't think the lesson here is, "waiting for sex creates a better, deeper relationship". I think the lesson here is, "if you have a strong connection you can sometimes overcome obstacles." His holding out was the obstacle, not the saving grace.
I thought the story was great. I'm glad to know there are still decent men out there who can control themselves and actually have feelings for someone before he sticks his dick into her pussy.
Well-written, interesting story.
I wish both the writer and her boyfriend a long, good life together. Fill with shitloads of sex, of course. :-)
What a complete and utter asswipe. Borderline emotionally abusive and Edward Cullen-esque.
Um. Blow jobs = sex. FYI. I hope he was giving some in return.
I think they both sound like they are emotionally stunted and replacing communication with some kind of power exchange. They've romanticized it and made it seem noble, but really it's just a couple that can't communicate and has huge emotional problems.
Playing games can be fun, but using games to pretend you are doing something deep or intimate is at best silly and at worst dangerous.
I thought most nerve readers were puzzled about what they should find worth thinking about in such a shallow and narcissistic display. If I recall correctly they described Koo as an 'Asian Snooki'.
I thought this was supposed to reveal something about whether the guy was a crazy/infected/asshole or not? No real new info here, yawn.
I've done this. It sucks. You might fuck like titans, but he will never love you like you need to be loved.
The Savage Love Podcast for the week has Dan giving a definitive answer about what constitutes sex. Listen to it, people.
How about spanking each other?
@Sam - you don't need to have intercourse to have sex. Read some Savage Love!
I 100% agree with ja. I could not have stated it better myself.
@duh, I agree completely. And I can count the number of times I've disagreed with Dan Savage on one hand. All I'm saying is that there are different kinds of sex, and that for this author, penetrative intercourse was psychologically a different issue than oral, and all these comments basically saying that she's full of shit are insensitive and reductive.
It doesn't matter how "Hipster-y" Koo is she's just like Snooki because she is a narcissist who can only relate to her public through her over-dramatic and super-icky sexual displays!
BJ aren't sex? Come on...if you stop calling them by such a Popeye terminology and use the clinical term, "Oral sex," sex is in the actual descriptor...you must be a 'millennial baby" for that type of reasoning.
LOL..kids these days.
If it takes him that long to call you his girlfriend, then he's not that into you.
I thought it was a great, well-told story!! Bravo!