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March 23, 2010
I wish I could say that the first time we had sex, the heavens parted and angelic choirs sang in jubilation. Instead, I vaguely remember being on my back, him being between my legs, and some thrusting. I know it happened, because I marked it down on my Google Calendar, but not much else. So, I got my man. He fucked me. More than once. Technically, I won.
I should have been thrilled. But instead, I felt like the ground was shaking underneath me. My need for sex had evolved into something grander. I wanted to take a fistful of his shirt and shake him: Why won't you say I'm your girl? Tell me I'm your girl. Tell me!
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I got my man. Technically, I won.
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Semen is dangerous — it's an acid that burns off all your protective emotional skin. And then even the slightest indifference stings. "Why did you fuck me?" I asked. "You first said you didn't like how I acted like your girlfriend. And then you fuck me."
Tell me I'm your girl. Please. Please...
He answered: "I thought it would make you happy."
I looked at the dark window, staring at the ghost of my reflection, and suddenly felt very tired.
The next day, I ended the relationship... in my head, because I'm too conflict-avoidant to tell guys directly that it's over. But, in my own mind, I was done. At work, I sat at my cubicle, expecting to squeeze out a tear. I didn't. Instead, I thought about my lunch break. Maybe I'd meet my true love by the bread pudding at Whole Foods. Which totally worried me; how could I move on so fast?
Was I experiencing delayed grief? I looked up the Kubler-Ross model on Wikipedia and decided that I had very efficiently arrived at "acceptance." No worries. I patted myself on the back. But deep down, I knew it wasn't acceptance. Instead, I was experiencing relief that I could go back to the celibate life I'd enjoyed a mere year before.
A week later, I was walking home after a night of karaoke. Drizzle covered my coat in tiny liquid diamonds.
John called.
He wanted to know how I was. "I could really tell you weren't here this week. I missed you." It was the closest he had ever come to saying I was his girl. So when he asked to see me, I agreed to go to his apartment the next day.
He met me at the door, holding a glass of apple liqueur. Without a word, he took my hand and sat me down at the edge of the bed. He started, "I was talking to a friend..." Oh, shit. People only use the "friend" opening when they need a front to reveal stuff that smashes your soul into a gazillion pieces that can never be put back together again.
I grabbed the drink from his hand and downed it in one gulp. "That was three shots!" he said, and then looked down at his empty palms, turning them up towards the ceiling. I saw the liquor bottle on the nightstand. Would it be rude if I chugged the rest of it? I poured myself a little more and was about to take another shot.
"You're my girlfriend," he blurted out. Pause. "Would you like to have sex now?"
I downed the shot. "Okay. Can I use the bathroom first?"
We both took off our clothes and crawled under the bedcovers like shy puppies. He got on top of me, back in that good old missionary position, and kissed me as he slipped inside. "Are you my woman?"
"Yes." I kissed him back. n°
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Commentarium (29 Comments)
DAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
=D
I found it incredibly awkward. Jeez... neither of you are very articulate, are you?
The semen analogy was enough to make me wince.
so... you didn't mention that oral sex was on the table last time, which makes the whole intercourse thing more understandable, assuming that he was reciprocating. You guys sound a little bit young.... talking things through is usually the way to start before automatically breaking up.
Blow jobs are sex. !
WTF. Clinton/Monica did more damage to truth-telling than I thought.
p.s. did he reciprocate with oral sex too or is this just as lame/gendered as it sounds.
@dee. I agree. The semen things a bit literal. Still, good story.
The first time I fucked my lover was on our second date, about a week after we met, and although we were both crazy about each other, we both had a lot of misgivings about the relationship. I get bored easily and I just dumped my high school boyfriend two weeks earlier (because I was 'in college now'), so I was in this "maybe I'm being needy?" mindset. He was concerned about our age difference (25 vs.18) and would we have anything in common. It took us a good couple of months of seeing each other and having lots of sex before we admitted to each other that we were a couple.
It's been over 16 years now. Yay!
I'm in the same situation right now.
I like the semen line. I think it's really poetic.
I think the writer's boyfriend is a gigantic dick who got off on holding her feelings for him over her head. Clearly, the man loves having the upper hand.
I found this piece to be very honest about the emotions surrounding sex. (And yes, blow jobs are sex. To be really specific the writer should explain they were holding out on penetration sex) In any event, I enjoyed the article. Well written, well played.
I disagree that blowjobs are sex. They are blowjobs. Sex is intercourse.
this a sweet follow-up to the earlier story, and i'm glad that it seems things have worked out for the writer. But i stand by what i thought when I read the first installment - i thought, "he's not holding out on the sex purely because he wants to wait, he's holding out to have the upper hand and to maintain a feeling of control and distance." after reading this second installment, I think that proved true. So while i'm glad things eventually worked out, i don't think the lesson here is, "waiting for sex creates a better, deeper relationship". I think the lesson here is, "if you have a strong connection you can sometimes overcome obstacles." His holding out was the obstacle, not the saving grace.
I thought the story was great. I'm glad to know there are still decent men out there who can control themselves and actually have feelings for someone before he sticks his dick into her pussy.
Well-written, interesting story.
I wish both the writer and her boyfriend a long, good life together. Fill with shitloads of sex, of course. :-)
What a complete and utter asswipe. Borderline emotionally abusive and Edward Cullen-esque.
Um. Blow jobs = sex. FYI. I hope he was giving some in return.
I think they both sound like they are emotionally stunted and replacing communication with some kind of power exchange. They've romanticized it and made it seem noble, but really it's just a couple that can't communicate and has huge emotional problems.
Playing games can be fun, but using games to pretend you are doing something deep or intimate is at best silly and at worst dangerous.
I thought most nerve readers were puzzled about what they should find worth thinking about in such a shallow and narcissistic display. If I recall correctly they described Koo as an 'Asian Snooki'.
I thought this was supposed to reveal something about whether the guy was a crazy/infected/asshole or not? No real new info here, yawn.
I've done this. It sucks. You might fuck like titans, but he will never love you like you need to be loved.
The Savage Love Podcast for the week has Dan giving a definitive answer about what constitutes sex. Listen to it, people.
How about spanking each other?
@Sam - you don't need to have intercourse to have sex. Read some Savage Love!
I 100% agree with ja. I could not have stated it better myself.
@duh, I agree completely. And I can count the number of times I've disagreed with Dan Savage on one hand. All I'm saying is that there are different kinds of sex, and that for this author, penetrative intercourse was psychologically a different issue than oral, and all these comments basically saying that she's full of shit are insensitive and reductive.
It doesn't matter how "Hipster-y" Koo is she's just like Snooki because she is a narcissist who can only relate to her public through her over-dramatic and super-icky sexual displays!
BJ aren't sex? Come on...if you stop calling them by such a Popeye terminology and use the clinical term, "Oral sex," sex is in the actual descriptor...you must be a 'millennial baby" for that type of reasoning.
LOL..kids these days.
If it takes him that long to call you his girlfriend, then he's not that into you.
I thought it was a great, well-told story!! Bravo!