September 11 was a watershed moment in history, but it was also a defining moment in many relationships. That fall, the papers were full of stories about people who went rushing back to their ex-partners after the towers fell. Some folks were declaring secret, long-harbored loves; others were asking for divorces. Heightened circumstances can lead to what a recovering addict might call "a moment of clarity." Even though it had been a few weeks, it didn't hit me until 9/11 that my relationship with Ted was definitively over. I knew when neither Ted nor I had the urge to call and make sure the other was okay. (We both worked in Midtown, far from The Events.) More to the point, we didn't feel a desperate need to hear one another's voices, or go rushing back into each other's arms.

The whole thing didn't make much sense, but it wasn't exactly a good day for Team Sense, so we both let it slide.

If my life had been a movie, it would've ended with me running across the Upper West Side in the rain to make a declaration of love. Instead, the moment revealed that there was nothing left to declare. Even in European arthouse films, a character sitting alone in a tiny studio apartment is an unsatisfying third-act finale. And in life, it's not much better. 

Realizing this, I went to see my friend David, a performance artist (don't ask) who lived in a ramshackle penthouse (ditto) on the Upper West Side. We'd met the year before at one of his infamous parties, which were typically populated by Eurotrash with no identifiable occupations and other strange pilgrims from the global "arts scene" (the quotes being key).

September 11 was David's birthday, and the place was full of booze and snacks, bought the day before for the now-cancelled party. We sat in his living room, silently watching the newscasters narrate the progress of the cloud of black smoke that was slowly making its way uptown. Around dusk, we went out onto the wrap-around terrace, which I knew well from his parties. The view faced south. Less than twelve hours before, you could've seen the outline of the World Trade Center buildings in the distance. Now, downtown seemed to have been replaced by a still, impenetrable wall of smoke.

It was a tacit assurance that, in the end, we could do more than just survive.

Out on the terrace, David and I found ourselves having sex. I say "found ourselves" because it wasn't premeditated. There were no words exchanged. The whole thing didn't make much sense, but it wasn't exactly a good day for Team Sense, so we both let it slide. Neither of us came, because that would've just been tacky. Besides, it wasn't about pleasure. It was as if we both wanted to just make sure we weren't ghosts; that we weren't actually dead and just hadn't gotten the message.

David and I remained friends for many years thereafter, but that was the last time we ever had sex.

 

Nearly every breakup song (cue Gloria Gaynor…) talks about "surviving." And in the last three and a half months of 2001, we were all survivors in a literal sense. We were in a terrifying terra incognita, but the body has its own compass, and so-called terror sex helped gave some of us the hope we needed to navigate our way out of the darkness.

"As long as I know how to love," to quote Gloria, "I know I'll be alive." Sometimes, when you're between loves, a good fuck can be a fine proxy for the hope you're not yet ready to believe in. It made a difficult time more bearable. It was a tacit assurance that, in the end, we could do more than just survive.

Tags Hookups

Commentarium (72 Comments)

Sep 08 11 - 12:54am
Charles

This is in weird taste.

Sep 08 11 - 1:06am
ohh me ohh my

i agree.

Sep 08 11 - 1:17am
Taelor

I like it. It's honest.

Sep 08 11 - 7:29pm
QS

@Charles: I agree. It's almost as bad as the post several weeks ago about how Feminism is so great because it means more sex for everybody. Ugh...

Sep 08 11 - 9:06pm
Alo

@QS: Yes, yes. Turn off your natural human urges, IMPORTANT THINGS are happening. Damn uneducated masses, can't logic away their drives.

Sep 08 11 - 9:39pm
QS

@Alo: Um, what? Talk about a non sequitur...

Sep 08 11 - 11:02pm
Alo

@QS: My apologies. 9/11 to feminism was a pretty effortless segue. Carry on.

Sep 08 11 - 11:25pm
QS

@Alo: Wow. You really don't get it, do you? I didn't compare 9/11 to feminism. I compared this Nerve article--about 9/11 and "terror sex"--to be in weird taste--just as the "Feminism is cool because more people have sex" article, also being in poor taste. Jesus Christ, talk about poor reading comprehension.

Sep 10 11 - 2:10pm
David

So, in other words, *sex* is in poor taste. Especially if it involves sexually empowered women. I really don't get how a candid story about human sexuality in the context of tragedy is in poor taste. It's a bit uncomfortable to think about, true. But I had a "I thought it was just me!" moment in reading this, and I have to say it was cathartic. This is why I read Nerve -- if I want solemn, teary-eyed schlock that takes no risks, and that I've read a thousand times before, I'll just go to virtually every other media outlet. This is at least giving voice to a perspective that I could relate to, and I'm glad they had the guts to publish it.

Sep 17 11 - 11:30pm
QS

@David: Cute. Alo chose the "I can't read route" and you chose to distort my comments. Oh well. I didn't say sex is in poor taste, I said framing 9/11 as a mere background event to how it affects one's sex life is in poor taste. Seriously if you think using 9/11 to talk about your sex life is courageous then you're fucking hopeless...

Sep 08 11 - 1:46am
Show

If this were some sort of fiction, I might be skeeved by it. But assuming it's real, the candidness of it is admirable. It's a nice perspective too that a west coaster like myself didn't get. The very idea of "terror sex" is something I can't even comprehend. At least not in anywhere near the same capacity.

Sep 08 11 - 1:49am
ss

i wanted to like this, but i think this story needs some editing (do we really need the detail about not coming on the terrace? and why lead with the breakup when the story is really about desperate sex that has nothing to do with the breakup?). i wish there'd been some more anecdotes to ground the philosophizing, which i actually agreed with - "terror sex" makes a lot of sense.

Sep 09 11 - 6:16pm
sigh

I feel the same, I really wanted to like this story more. It doesn't strike me as complete, but it's a good start to an interesting premise. Well written, but maybe unfinished?

Sep 11 11 - 10:57am
Ash

I think the author lead with the break-up to show a point that peoples perspectives changed that day. They claim that after 9/11 people ran to old lovers, left their long term partners and found new love. They realized that life is short and they wanted to live it to the fullest. The authors point of view was that they no longer felt the post-break-up regret, sadness and hurt because after a terrifying tragedy, they didn't feel the need to go running back to their ex.

Sep 23 11 - 5:40pm
mh

i thought the part about not coming on the terrace was one of the most poignant moments, personally.

Sep 08 11 - 1:52am
kas

I lost my virginity on September 16th, 2001. Then again, I was also a 17-year-old college freshman, so that's probably a coincide.

Sep 08 11 - 3:37am
kas

*coincidence. I should stop posting from my phone.

Sep 08 11 - 8:55am
Wren

Very honest, refreshing, and smart...

Sep 08 11 - 9:20am
RD

This was the best written piece I've read in Nerve in possibly a year. I wouldn't change a word. Yes, ss, it does need the detail about not coming, and every other detail.

Sep 08 11 - 12:13pm
nm

agreed!

Sep 09 11 - 8:38pm
MV

I agree too!

Sep 08 11 - 9:47am
devo

I agree. Loved this.

Sep 08 11 - 10:37am
dave1976

As a midwesterner, obviously I can't relate. As a (married) son who's spent way too much time in hospitals since my father was unexpectedly admitted this past memorial day, I can relate all too well. In three of the four wards where my father has been, I'm pretty sure the nurses were, in fact, "cast" for a porno. I've zoned out way too many times during critical updates about my father's condition, wonderings what's going on under those scrubs. I need to get home to my wife.

Sep 08 11 - 11:44am
theGilaMonster

It's September. But it's 2011.

Sep 08 11 - 12:40pm
SK

I lost my virginity not long after September 11th and, while I didn't think of it as terror sex at the time, looking back, I'm sure that was what it was. I was 21, a senior in college, with no real reason other than shyness holding me back. Ironically, I think the attacks got me over my fear of being that close and intimate with another person. Being afraid of dying got me to stop being so afraid of living.

Sep 11 11 - 11:06am
PA

While in practice this comment has nothing to do with this story, in theory it does. Being from Canada, and fairly young when it occurred, I never really understood the fears of 9/11. However, I think the fear that a human could do that to another human (in this case, on a much larger scale) put a strange fear into everyone. I think we all became acutely aware of our surroundings, and more importantly our expiry dates. No one is ever promised tomorrow. I live with a panic disorder. Reading your comment, SK, has put a new perspective in my mind. "Being afraid of dying, got me to stop being so afraid of living" made me stop in my tracks. Spending your life in fear is losing by default. I think with your words, and the terror of that tragic day lingering, I've just loosened up a little bit. I thank you for helping me in a way you probably never even imagined.

Sep 08 11 - 12:42pm
SK

In fact, it was with someone I had met on Nerve. And then I met my now husband a few months later in December.

Sep 08 11 - 12:49pm
SZL

I was there too ten years ago, and while I would love to say that doesn't cloud my judgement of anything written about 9/11, that's ludicrous. But the thing that's great about reading this piece with that in mind, is that it's like a refreshing sigh of relief. I know I wasn't the only one who felt like an asshole for continuing to worry about my own seemingly insignificant b.s. in the weeks and months that followed, but it happens. And I also did things like recklessly drink and have awkward sex in a weird attempt to keep feeling alive, it's what we do in the face of tragedy.
Thanks for giving such a candid voice to this, well done.

Sep 09 11 - 8:40pm
MV

Agreed!

Sep 08 11 - 1:44pm
nope

I love how uncomfortable this has made some readers. As someone who Was There, I agree both with the writer and with the readers who find this in 'weird taste.' The central issue to this narrative is that when you're living through it, it feels like having any thoughts and feelings that aren't very profound and important is in 'weird taste.' Ordering Chinese food, buying toilet paper, having sex--it all gets this oppressive coating of Don't you have something more important to be doing with your life?

Anyway. As someone who has gotten very weary of literature, music, television, et fucking cetera about 9/11, I absolutely loved this.

Sep 08 11 - 3:25pm
MMcD

This reminds me of the "grief sex" from Judy Blume's "Forever"...a natural yawp to validate that you are still alive.

Sep 08 11 - 4:13pm
Z

Very honest, very true.

Sep 08 11 - 6:35pm
not the same, but...

I recently read an account from a woman who lost her husband on 9/11. I cried. Then, I had sex with my husband. It brought into relief the terrifying fact that, even if we did everything right, chance could take him away from me in an instant. And then I wouldn't get to touch him anymore. I don't see anything weird about that. If I had already been with my husband on 9/11, I probably wouldn't let him leave the bedroom for a week.

Sep 08 11 - 6:42pm
Greg

Being horny after experiencing a tragedy like someone else's death isn't at all unusual, it is something that most psychologists are aware of. Put simply, it is the instinctive reaction we have to bond and push back that final end that we all face.

Sep 08 11 - 7:11pm
Fletcher

Nice work, Marguerite!

Sep 08 11 - 7:25pm
9/11nycer

I was there at the time and I can tell you this is spot-on - for my group of friends anyway. In fact we used to use that exact phrase "terror sex" and I remember laughing my ass off the first time I heard it. This piece is well-written, courageous, and most important, true. Loved it!

Sep 08 11 - 8:07pm
Finally

Gutsy piece. Doesn't whitewash her experience. I love this.

Sep 09 11 - 8:41pm
MV

Well-said, I agree.

Sep 10 11 - 2:11pm
David

Ditto.

Sep 08 11 - 10:49pm
Sam

I would like to be an asshole for a moment and point out that the second sentence of the first story is a fragment. Basic grammar people!!

Sep 08 11 - 11:13pm
Campbell

Dude. "Basic grammar people!" is also a fragment, however much in the imperative case it may be. I hate to be an asshole, but you should've said, "Basic grammar, [COMMA!] people!". Note that the comma indicates that you're not talking about a compound noun such as "grammar people." In your construction, you're simply invoking grammarians, without any dependent clause. Besides--language, like consciousness and culture, is fragmented. Deal with it.

Sep 09 11 - 2:57am
vv

The phrase also needs a verb. "Use basic grammar, people!" would be more appropriate.

The comma-less version is hilarious, though.

Sep 09 11 - 11:17am
Campbell

A fine point. I love it when Grammar Nazis use incorrect grammar when criticizing someone's grammar. It's freakin' hilarious.

Sep 09 11 - 11:23am
Campbell

Ooops. I probably should've said, "That is a fine point that you have made," to avoid angering the above Captain of the International Sentence Fragment Police.

Sep 09 11 - 12:28pm
vv

The position is appointed by a secret organization founded by William Strunk, Jr. and Elwyn Brooks White. Strunk and White formed the International English Grammar Police underground in 1915 for the purposes of establishing "Proper English" as a global language, controlling the way the market economy operates through expressed ideas. Their publication, "The Elements of Style," has exercised its authority in multitudes of classrooms for almost a century. Their most recent task force covers the internet. Thousands of anonymous agents infiltrate the most popular websites to enforce a culture of "Proper English" in our informal correspondences. Their goal is, of course, world domination.

Sep 10 11 - 1:01pm
Campbell

Wow! Do I hear a summer blockbuster in the making?? Maybe with Jessica Alba as Prepositional Phrase Girl? [Handsome, Interchangeable Young Actor] as "Captain Whom" (that word needs a defender, after all)? Oh, please, Hollywood--make that movie!

Sep 09 11 - 1:35am
rem

"If I don't finish my fifth Sea Breeze and hook up with that acrobat from Cirque de Soleil," they vowed, "then the terrorists have already won!"

LOL! This perfectly describes the absurd mood at the time. To those doubters posting here, I assume you were either too young at the time to relate or not in the New York City area.

Sep 10 11 - 6:28pm
S.S.

Agreed! Bloomberg just raised that huge terror threat this weekend and I keep thinking to myself "I wish I had a boyfriend that I could just hole up with in my apt for a few days, act like bunnies, and forget the outside world until this whole terror thing blows over."

Sep 09 11 - 3:36am
LOL

There is a long anecdotal tradition in the mental health field that people surrounded by death engage in a lot of sex. Since sex is how you create life, it is an affirmation of life in the face of death. Or so the Conentional Wisdom attempts to explain it.

Sep 09 11 - 1:27pm
greg

My wife and I were "stranded" in Maui on 9/11 (her bday) for 11 days, was originally a 3day 4 night trip, couldn't leave as there were no flights, so we stayed in and fucked for days, so even not being in/near NY the pheromones (pheraMOANS) were in the air there as well

Sep 09 11 - 3:39pm
The_captain

like a few others here, I also lost my virginity right after 9/11. Those two events are forever linked in my mind. Odd maybe, but true. I liked this story.

Sep 09 11 - 8:43pm
MV

Really wonderful. I hope the author keeps writing and getting published for years to come.

Sep 09 11 - 9:10pm
Gravel

After the attacks my wife and I were like teenagers in bed. We needed it so bad and kept it up for weeks. Wow! Story was also spot on for those of us in DC who drove past the smoking Pentagon on the way home from work. Stayed at work late that day long after the traffic jams were over and the scene driving across the Potomac was surreal. Nearly empty roads. Cars abandoned on the side of the road. Smoke. Sex was the only thing that could calm us down.

Sep 11 11 - 2:42pm
cpl

Fantastically written, brutally honest and personal account of trying to cope with the uncomprehensible. The best 9/11 anniversary piece I've read yet.

Sep 12 11 - 4:19pm
rachel

I really enjoyed your piece Marguerite. I had just turned 21 at the time and had a plane ticket to NYC for the 12th. I had recently broken up with someone I thought I really loved and he called me that morning to tell me that I wouldn't be going. The fact that I ran to my friends instead of him for comfort was interesting. "Terror sex" is embarrassing language but it's not your term ;) It makes sense.

Sep 12 11 - 7:28pm
MEB

Having lived in NYC during the months after the attack, I can attest that it was definitely a time to reassess relationships. Sometimes a recommitment, Sometimes a moving on. And there was definitely the desire to feel like a physical being again.

Sep 12 11 - 11:54pm
unsexy ferret

nicely done.

Sep 14 11 - 6:14pm
Jay

While not living in New York or being nearly as affected as those who did, I theoretically
understood "Terror Sex", but until this piece, I didn't understand the rest of the mindset.

Fantastically engaging and well written!

Oct 21 11 - 2:27pm
imtiaz

from Pakistan 0923224380083

Nov 12 11 - 3:08pm
jhondo you not like

tell me darling what you like,I like you very much

Nov 12 11 - 3:09pm
jhondo you not like

please answer me

Nov 12 11 - 3:17pm
jhondo you not like

If you are on life to night only yo can tell me

Nov 12 11 - 3:21pm
jhondo you not like

I will be sure on life to night I am so sure that you are vonderfull darling only tell me what you like

Nov 12 11 - 3:24pm
jhondo you not like

are you perhaps on life to night,but tell me from where you are my derest darling

Nov 12 11 - 3:31pm
jhondo you not like

tell me now you are lovly darling

Nov 12 11 - 3:44pm
jhondo you not like

tell me where are you now an I like to see you but about you do you speak iclandick

Nov 12 11 - 3:47pm
jhondo you not like

You have avsver if you like only tell me whatt is in your mind

Nov 12 11 - 3:51pm
jhondo you not like

I am whTING FOR YOU DARLING

Nov 12 11 - 3:54pm
jhondo you not like

WHERE ARE YOU WATING FOR ME DARLING

Dec 01 11 - 8:34am
hehehehe

Ahahaha! 69 comments!! Isn't that weird??? Ah crap..

Jan 25 12 - 5:41am
L

Sex and death are so intertwined. I had casual sex following the separate deaths of my grandfather and a friend. I think death forces something very carnal in us to surface. For me, it was a need to forget what was going on for a while; to be engaged in a very primal act that, in some ways, can make you feel most alive. It's not disrespectful; it's how some of us react to death.

Jul 04 12 - 1:43am
SS

Honest and well written (ignore the naysayers). "terror sex" is an apt phrase - this phenomenon isn't new, folks. Ask anyone who has lived in a war zone.