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True Stories: The Smoothest Virgin in South Korea
He kept taking home all of my friends, but what was he doing with them?
by Todd Williams
Elliott was an anomaly. He stood just short of six feet, dressed well, and was naturally handsome, with a shining smile. He was kind, he was intelligent, and he was hip by the tightest of standards. At the bars we frequented nightly during our time together living in Seoul, South Korea, he could take home just about anyone he wanted, and frequently did. This was all normal, but what made him so unique a ladies' man was that Elliott was a virgin.
It took me a while to discover this fact; for months, I assumed he had plenty of sex. We were at a music venue called Platoon Kunsthalle, which has locations in Seoul and Berlin, when we met. That night, I assumed he was going to go home with one of my friends, and he wasn't shy about proving me right. "I'm going to take her home tonight," I came to find he often said, sometimes adding, "I'm going to fuck that woman." He'd leave the bar early, which in Seoul means about three or four in the morning, with the woman of his choosing. She was usually a tall, nameless, attractive white woman, but now and then, the occasional local.
It wasn't until later that I discovered his 21st-century dirty secret. A friend and I were sitting in a sports bar called Sam Ryan's. "Now don't tell anyone I told you this," he said. "Elliott is a virgin."
I was floored. "Our Elliott?" (Expats become close incredibly quick.) The only fact shedding any light on this mysterious revelation was that I'd heard Elliott mention religion on numerous occasions. Growing up in the South, in a strong church community — okay, I get it. But what's with all of the "I'm going to fuck her?"
I took out my confusion on Elliott in several ways. First, with aggression: "What are you thinking? When you say you're going to fuck someone, fuck them!"
"Nah, I can't."
"I just can't do it. Not until I'm married. You have to respect that."
"But you put your tongue in their vaginas?"
...and then with the Socratic method:
"So, your god..."
"Why is he okay with cunnilingus?"
"Well, in my eyes that's okay."
"And your god is okay with anal?"
"Yes. I guess."
He was dodging me. "But he doesn't like gay people?"
"My god likes gay people."
I just couldn't get around it. Cheeky old God had a personal vendetta against Elliott having a sex life. I couldn't get him — or maybe it was me — past this, through multiple conversations that were closer to interviews.