Love & Sex

10 Ways to Get Rid of That Pesky Boner

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Those average-to-large 'no ones ever complained before' scamps. 

A sparkling maypole. St. Winston's flag. Mama McCready's broomstick. A shim-sham. A winged wang. Petrificus totalus-es. Erections. Boners. We (meaning those of us with penises) have had to deal with them since time immemorial, or at least the first time we looked at a Land's End catalog. And to be honest, they're pretty great.

They help us make babies, have sex, have the best 'me time' there ever is, was, or will be; but what about the not great times? Your cousin's bat mitzvah. Your uncle's graduation from the police academy. That time you had to present on A Separate Peace. All great boners, all terrible times. 

To help, Life Hacker, delivered a simple trick to get rid of your unwanted peen pole: Tighten your thighs/butt. Apparently, this redirects blood flow or something. Although we haven't had the opportunity to try this method yet, it sure beats the old fashioned cold shower and it never hurts to have options. For that, we supply the following:

  1. Go to the gym at noon on a Tuesday – The Silver Sneakers crowd should put that puppy right down – Anderson Cooper not withstanding.  

  2. Think about your taxes – Unless you're a Gordon Gecko type. Then think about owls or something. 

  3. Re-read A Separate Peace – Flashback warning.

  4. Watch The Fault in Our Stars trailer. Nothing kills a boner like actual death. A Walk To Remember is also acceptable. 

  5. Think about how your life isn't as cute as Tom Daley's 

  6. Kill your innocence by writing erotic fan fiction about your favorite childhood show – Legends of the Hidden Temple, anyone? 

  7. Shave against the grain – Your face, idiot. It'll hurt enough. Promise. 

  8. If you're into pain, then read about how the Fifty Shades of Grey film won't be nearly as saucy. 

  9. Gorge on all the carbs – No one feels sexy with burrito belly. 

  10. Jerk off in the (bath, bed, living, dining, guest, parlor, billiards) room and just be done with it. 

Image via NBC