Pretty much anything that comes with a straw.
Now that it’s officially break-up season (and it’s also getting warm enough to leave the house) chances are you’ll be heading out to bars with more frequency and verve than you did all winter. You’ll put on a crisp shirt, slather on some deodorant, maybe even take a shower (probably before the shirt and deodorant), and head out into the night looking for someone to occupy that empty space in your bed, for the night or maybe for eternity.
But with the other perils of bar drinking (failing to get the bartender’s attention, running into people you’d rather avoid, drunkenly hitting on a coat rack) comes one more: ordering the wrong drink. Let’s be clear: this isn’t a matter of taste. Everyone will judge you based on what drink you order, regardless of gender. Even if they say they don’t care, something in their subconscious will be judging you. And so, to avoid any totally embarrassing drink orders in your future, comb through this list of popular drinks and find out what your go-to happy juice says about you.
What Not to Order
Heck yeah frozen margaritas taste good! I wish I could wash down every meal with an icy marg, but this isn’t about satisfying your need for limey, boozy pleasure. It’s about looking cool, and you can’t do this while gulping down (probably with a straw) something that looks like it came out of a strip mall Slurpee machine. This goes double for Budweiser’s new Lime-a-Rita marg in a tall boy can.
Anything Containing Lychee, Egg Whites, or Whipped Cream
Before you order, ask yourself if you might also put these ingredients in a cake. Or if you feel funny saying them. If you feel funny saying words, never drink them.
On its own, a vodka martini is fine, but don’t assume that when you order a martini, vodka is the default. People do this, my bartender friend told me. A martini, without any qualifiers, is made with gin.
I could make a joke about how when I see people taking shots it reminds me of LMFAO and how I hate myself for even thinking about it (though I hate you more), but instead I’m just going to advise that if you say you’re “taking” something instead of “drinking” it, you should stop doing that.
I used to think this was an old man beer, and now I think what I really thought was “boring.” If you’re going to drink Stella, just stop yourself and order a Budweiser. If you do, an American flag will grow in your stomach and your chest will get hairier, at which point I will fuck you.
What to Order
As long as whatever you’re mixing it with is still clear.
Lagavulin and Laphroaig
Any sort of smoky, brown alcohol with a fancy-sounding name that goes down smoothly will make me think you’ll go down the same way. *Wink*
Something about Prosecco is sexy. I think it’s because the bubbles remind me of Pop Rocks, and I’ve always wanted to make out with someone with Pop Rocks in my mouth.