Love & Sex

Everything Science Taught Us About Sex in 2013

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Because science is much less speculative than the "End of Courtship".

Nobody can remember their sex lives that accurately, which may be good, because 2013 was a doozy. 

If you're heading out for a first date, you might want to think twice before you have a pint.  Beer goggles work in reverse. When you drink beer, you find yourself more sexually attractive. Which explains almost all drunk selfies. After the date, you're probably headed for some action, because we wait the same average amount of dates for a first kiss as we do for the first time we sleep with someone. But if sex is really what you're after, skip the first date and go to a party. Nobody puts out for a well-rounded meal these days. 

The end of courtship be damned. Today’s youngsters are not having sex more frequently than their predecessors, nor are they bedding more partners. But they really should stay in school, because having a higher IQ leads to kinkier sex. That isn't to say all of your classmates are getting busy: adolescents don't lose their virginity as young as we think they do

For adults who have already mastered the deed, scientists tried to define sexual satisfaction as “pleasure” and “mutuality”.  If you're the competitive kind who keeps tabs on your friends' sexual satisfaction, please stop. Chasing other people’s sex lives is making us miserable. Besides, even if you do ask a lady about her sex life, she's probably going to lie about her number of sex partners. And dudes, stop getting hung up on your ween. Penis sizes studies are sort of worthless. Though, penis size does still matter to women. Maybe.

If you find yourself in the sexually dissatisfied camp, you could try a penis vibrator that will make you last longer or the newly manufactured female desire pill, Lybrido. Maybe it's just time to cut your sperm-killing bacon habit. Or maybe you just aren't in the mood because your girlfriend's paycheck is much larger than yours. If you're reaching for blue pills, remember that your old stand-by Viagra is most likely going to the cramp-sufferers, who are declaring it the new Midol

Still consumed with an all-encompassing sexual desire? Chances are, you won't be able to claim sex addiction. The DSM-5 might have to throw out the classification of sex addiction because so-called addicts' brain scans are the same as people sporting a high libido.

If we're not sex addicts anymore, we can still be sexist pricks. It turns out liking big boobs might make you sexist. And believe me, men notice the size of your tits because nobody looks at your face, just your boobs. If you catch your honey with the wandering eye, it might just be that they get a chemical high from cheating. The good news is that even after we're dumped, we don't need to go searching for a new partner because we’re all having sex with our ex. After all, ladies are more likely to orgasm with a familiar partner. So grab an ex, a new partner, or a friend. If you are looking to get laid in early 2014, winter really is the best time for sex.

Image via Veer.