Who Would You Rather?: Lizzy Caplan vs. Alison Brie

Two stunning comediennes, one impossible choice.

By Sean Morrow

Usually, the "would you rather" question involves two options so despicable that the choice is difficult, like a choice between chewing glass or bathing in a tub of worms, or between sleeping with John Mayer or sleeping with Shia LaBeouf.

Today, let's contemplate a happier problem. What if the challenge in a "would you rather" was that both options are so awesome, so incredibly appealing, that being forced to pick one and forgo the other was impossible?

Lizzy Caplan and Alison Brie are cosmically gorgeous women, both extremely talented, and both seemingly personable. Caplan and Brie also have in common the title of "thinking man's celebrity crush" — i.e., they're celebrity crushes for men who think they're too cool and interesting to drool over Scarlett Johansson. And wonder of wonders, they're appearing together for the first time in the upcoming movie Save the Date.

So let's compare the two and see who wins this glorious installment of Who Would You Rather? ...as determined by a nerdy internet writer trying to pick between two beautiful and talented women in an article neither of them will ever read.

1. APPEARANCE
In which a guy who didn't lose his virginity until college debates the relative physical attractiveness of two gorgeous women.

Let me attempt to qualify the shallowness of this section by saying this: my opinion of someone's physical attractiveness is always affected by their personality. For example, Ms. Caplan is more attractive in Party Down, as a witty, surprisingly competitive actress/caterer, than she was in Freaks and Geeks, as a clingy disco enthusiast. That said, Alison Brie looks pretty great in Community, considering I would really hate Annie Edison in real life.

But everything I just said aside (that's a great way to write, huh? Just type out a paragraph and then tell people to forget it?) I'd have to give Caplan the appearance point. I wouldn't begrudge anyone saying Alison Brie is more attractive, but she's a very specific type, with the wide-eyed cartoon innocent thing. She looks like a busty Snow White. Whereas Caplan is more of a crowd-pleaser, or maybe I just imagine all crowds swooning at the sight of a dark-eyed Jewess. The best way to judge them might be to watch them in animated-GIF form, since their status as "thinking man's celebrity crushes" means they might be the most heavily GIFfed performers in history.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uh, where was I? Bottom line, it's very hard to take your eyes off of Brie, and both of them have what we in the imaginary-Hollywood-guy biz call "daaaaammmmmn fine bods," but I'm still gonna have to go with Lizzy.

POINT: CAPLAN

2. PERCEIVED COMPANIONABILITY
In which I use the science of internet stalking to determine who is more fun to hang out with, and who is a better person.

From my obsessive following of Alison Brie's Twitter, I have to register a little hesitation. She's funny, sure, and she has great taste, but she also strikes me as someone who might put too much effort into her own personality. She also wants too much for people to know she's a sexual person; she sometimes comes off as pandering... which is hard for me to complain about since I generally represent the demographic of panderees, but still.

Caplan, on the other hand, did an AMA on Reddit and came out looking super-cool, starting with her awesome proof picture. So I think hanging out with Lizzy Caplan would be a blast, and Alison Brie might be more concerned with what you thought of her. The thing about Alison Brie, though, is that I feel really terrible any time I say anything mean about her, even though she'll never see this. Something about her makes me not want to hurt her feelings. Fuck it, this one's a tie.

NEXT: "Willingness to objectify self"

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